And Knowing is Half the Battle! Lets Play G.I.Joe!

That's all right, I'm the same way about Transformers, and my G.I.Joe knowledge is weak.

I'm basing my assessment on the fact that Blizzard has what appears to be a red beard and a parka.

Blizzard's in-game sprite looks like a...zombie...or something. It resembles the figure even less than the others!

Oh man, use football guy in every level please. Forever. Even in your next LP.

I'll admit I was never all that into G.I. Joe, even as a kid, but I always thought that pretty much every Joe had a direct counterpart on the Cobra side. I vaguely recall this carbon-copying was one reason I didn't really like the cartoon.

Range Viper: Hey Raptor! Raptor? Where are ya buddy?
Cobra Technician: I think he went off to fight the Joes, sir. He took his falcon with him and everything.
Range Viper: Did he beat them?
Cobra Technician: It’s unlikely. It was three against one and, with due respect, Raptor isn’t exactly one of the top Cobra troops.
Range Viper: Well… that’s unfortunate. But as long as nobody put bombs on the bases weak points.
Cobra Technician: Well… about that sir.



Range Viper: So… three minutes until the base goes up, is it?
Cobra Technician: Looks that way, sir.
Range Viper: Well, even if I do end up losing the base, I can still get some praise from Cobra Command if I can take out the Joes! Deploy all troops! Stop them now!
Cobra Technician: They’re all dead, sir. Most suffered fatal football injuries, the rest mentioned something about a parka. It’s just you and me. And a few more stingrays, I think.
Range Viper: Well, grab a weapon and get out there! March!
Cobra Technician: I can’t do too much marching sir. I’ve got a bad leg. I can sit pretty good though.
Range Viper: Well… go sit in the gun chair and wait for one of them to come by. Before you do, though, put me on the big screen again.



Cobra Technician: You’re not especially good at demoralizing, are you sir?
Range Viper: I don’t know about that, everyone I work with has low morale.

*RIMSHOT*



As implied, this is the final stage of the Jungle Mission, 180 seconds to get out of the compound before it goes up in flame. It’s pretty much straight platforming, so Duke is the Joe of choice again.



There aren’t many enemies, mostly just Stingrays and those wrecking ball things, and the occasional destructible enviroment. There IS a hidden helicopter that Duke can fly around here somewhere, but I neglected to look for it.


“Lucky thing I have such strong calve muscles” says Duke to nobody in particular, “because these jumps would be quite trying on a wussier man then I”



This is I believe the first screen shot I was able to take of a Joe firing his weapon. Regrettably, it was not Grid-Iron’s Football Gun, but still. Now you know for certain that I wasn’t just using melee attacks all this time. There’s photographic proof.



“Blizzard, I took too many wrecking balls in the head, and stingrays in the foot, you’ll have to take over” say’s Duke, only slightly limping. “It’s the only way”.
“But… you still have about 6 Health Bars left. You can still pull through without having to put me in any danger! Or Grid-Iron. He’s fine”
“It’s true, Duke. I’m fit as a fiddle” pipes up Grid-Iron
“No, no it has to be Blizzard”.
Blizzard chokes back hot tears as he turns to Duke.
“I hate you! I wish that you were put into a longer coma when you got that snake shoved through your chest!”

I seemed to fail to get a shot of it, but the stages lone Viper was here originally. Sitting in that chair mentioned earlier.

The stage ends which means its time for the Climactic Showdown!


Cobra Wilderness Trooper: Range Viper!

“Up here, G. I. Fools!” bellows a voice from atop the trees, “You came this way seeking the exit to the abse, but instead you found only a man! A man dedicated to your destruction! For I am he who is known as Range Viper! And those are the last words you will ever hear!”

Blizzard looks around at the vaguely dramatic declaration, before seeing Range Viper in the canopy.

“Oh, you’re the guy in charge of this base?” he asks.
“Well, yes! I am the one who Cobra Commander entrusted with the noble mission of launching the Amazon Jungle into space!” Range Viper stood tall, proud of his assignment.
“And who are you, exactly?”
“I am Range Viper! The Cobra Wilderness Trooper! I could live out the rest of my life in the harshest of environments with no supplies whatsoever! I am the perfect weapon!”
Upon hearing their foes name, Grid-Iron pipes up.
“I thought the guys we were already fighting were Vipers, what makes you so special?”
“They were just Infantry Vipers! I’m RANGE Viper! Whole new paradigm!”
“Are there any other Range Vipers, or is it just you?” asks Blizzard.
“I… we… that’s classified! I’m special! I command a whole base! The other ones just get the crap assignments far away form anything important Cobra Command is doing! I’m completely different”.

The Joes did their best not to laugh at this statement.

“All right, lets just get the fight started, can we?”

Fun Fact about Range Viper: I didn’t know this guy was supposed to be a Range Viper until I looked it up online. I also didn’t know that Range Viper was even a character until I looked it up online.

Another Fun Fact about Range Viper: According to his file card, everything I just wrote about him is, in fact, accurate.

Range Viper leaps all over the place with the reckless zeal, and long-jump distance of a Mega Man boss and occasionally stops to launch a few rounds from his grenade launcher, as shown here. The grenades have a pretty huge explosion radius, but they travel slow, so dodging is no problem. The shells are also, apparently bullet proof, since your shots can be intercepted by them.



As you can tell from the dwindling bullet count and Blizzards health bar, Range Viper takes a huge amount of punishment before dying. He’s beating Blizzard pretty badly, so Grid-Iron gets called back to active duty.



Which was kind of pointless since Range Viper was very nearly dead at this point anyway.

Duke runs up as Range Viper collapses, “I have a message for you from Raptor”
The burning soldier looks up,
“He said you suck. You suck bad.”
Range Viper gave a thumbs-up as he vanished into the blue ether. It’s possible he didn’t hear the message properly.



Duke is the only one that is shown leaping back into the indeterminate land vehicle, but presumably Grid-Iron and Blizzard are there too. And not a moment too soon.







Meanwhile: Back at G.I. Joe Command:

Mainframe: General Hawk, Sir, we’ve just received a communication from Duke’s squad. They destroyed the first Cobra Base.
Hawk: Took ‘em long enough. Back when I was in the field I’d have that base taken out, rebuilt and then demolished a second time. In fact that exact scenario happened more then once.
Mainframe: That seems… pretty unlikely sir.
Hawk: It’s quite true.
Mainframe: …so who are we deploying this time?
Hawk: I was thinking the exact same people we chose from before. Put me on the screen though, I want to moralize them!



GREAT JOB MEN, THE AMAZON BASE IS GONE, AND WE ARE ON THE MOVE! THIS MISSION WILL BE AN ATTACK ON THE MISSILE BASE IN ANTARCTICA. BLIZZARD, YOU'LL BE THE LEADER OF THIS MISSION, PLEASE SELECT YOUR TEAM YO JOE!!!

So there we have it, Talking Time. The Amazon Jungle Base has been destroyed, Raptor and Range Viper are dead, and the Joe Team is headed to the secret Missile Base in Antarctica. Blizzard is Team Leader this time, but as before, the other two spots are up… to YOU!

Next Time:
Cats in the Cradle with the Man of the Doom!

Blizz, Grid Iron, Snake Eyes.

Yo Joe!

I love how the view screen has two red lights near the top that say "ALART" and "ARART".

So uh, how about Grid Iron and... Rock and Roll. That should prove fun.

:O

I see it now. Good call on that Rai.

I've got no idea how many times I've played this game in the past, and that is first time I've ever noticed it.

ALART is on the left, ARART is on the right. L and R. Makes perfect sense. I don't see the pr...oh. Oh.

I never realized that was supposed to be a Range Viper. I thought it was a retarded version of Darklon or something. Well, even more retarded.

I would like to keep playing, but we need someone to break a tie here. We've got two votes for Grid-Iron and one each for Rock & Roll and Snake-Eyes.

Bring in the big guns, yo! I want to the badest gun level-up in the game.

When it's Snake Eye's turn to be the leader, he just let him go alone, like a true Ninja warrior.

Regretably, Snake-Eyes has to bring two other Joe's with him. They cramp his style, but nothing can be done about that.

Also, can I assume your request to "Bring in the big guns" is a vote for Rock 'n Roll? Since he has the cannons that kill everything.

Oh, bring whoever, but leave them on the bench (or in the Jeep?). Snake-Eyes should be the only one you play for that level.

And yeah, it's time to Rock n' Roll!

Well, that's enough to break the tie.

If no one else votes between now and the time I get off work tomorrow, Blizzard, Rock & Roll and Grid-Iron will be headed to sunny Antarctica.

I vote to use Snake-Eyes.



Kidding, I'd like to see Rock & Roll in action, personally.

Mission 2: Cats in the Cradle with the Man of the Doom!

En Route to the Antarctic:
Blizzard: But sir, why do I have to be the Team Leader? I mean… surely Duke is more of a leader then I could ever hope to be!
Duke: I’m inclined to agree sir. I mean, I’m practically G.I. Joe’s poster-boy!
Hawk:: Yes, but my decision is final. Blizzard, you’ll be taking Grid-Iron and Rock & Roll to the Antarctic in order to demolish the Cobra Missile Base.
Blizzard: But why ME?
Hawk:: Why ask why?
Duke: Well, at the very least I don’t have to take orders from Blizzard. That’s worth something.
Blizzard: You guys all suck.

Meanwhile: At the Cobra Antarctic Base
Cobra Technician: We have an incoming transport, sir. Visual ID confirms it to be a Joe craft.
Metal Head: Ahh, they must have discovered out insidious plan to develop a weapon capable of unleashing the deadly micro-organism ICE 4.5 into the upper stratosphere, thereby freezing half of the water on the face of the Earth!
Cobra Technician: Sir, that statement seemed a little heavy on exposition and stilted.
Metal Head: Private, delivering stilted, exposition-heavy statements is how you get promoted in this organization. Why do you think Cobra Commander has one-sided conversations all the time?
Cobra Technician: I thought it was because he was pretty insufferable.
Metal Head: That helps too.

MISSION START!



Rather then getting a semi-epic scene of Blizzard leaping out of some sort of vehicle, Mission 2 begins with Blizzard just standing on a Cliffside near the Missile Base. There is some nice parallax scrolling introducing the base, but you can’t really appreciate it too much in a still picture.


Defying the expectations laid down by countless side scrollers before and since, the Ice Level in this game does NOT cause you to skid wildly out of control every time you move. And good thing too, since this level is LOUSY with bottomless pits.


Periodically, the silos in the background will launch ballistic missiles at you, as seen here. As with Range Vipers grenades, the explosion radius of the missiles is ENORMOUS and takes a healthy bite out of your life. Also, we’ve got Vipers on some kind of… flying sleds? They’re not dissimilar to the Gear Clowns form Mega Man 2, except much more durable and constantly moving forward.

I hate those sky sled guys.




Here are those numerous bottomless pits I mentioned earliar. Blizzard, being a wuss, and not especially adept at leaping across perilous grounds with skies attached to his feet puts Rock & Roll in charge. Rock & Roll, for those keeping score, is the guy with the smallest jump stat in the game.

There is a good reason why Blizzard doesn’t lead many missions.



Amazingly, Rock doesn’t starve to death as he plummets down a bottomless pit. In fact, he passes the obstacle harmlessly, only to be greeted by… this guy. He kind of looks like a Crimson Guardsman at an easel. An easel which shoots bullets. I’m honestly hesitant to make any sort of solid guesses with regard to this games sprite-work. Nevertheless, Rcok & Roll doesn’t truck with the artsy types. He blows a large hole in the fellows chest with his cannons.

“Another one bites the dust” says Rock and Roll.



Rock passes another series of pits and blows apart several more Vipers, sleds and artistically inclined Crimson Guardsmen, but he is running low on health! Can our musically inclined hero find a pack of rations before his life is forever vanquished?



Apparently not.

“Rock! Hold on buddy! I’ve got some food on me! It’s blinking and everything! That’ll fix you right up” says Grid-Iron, straddling his fallen comrade. But Rock and Roll shakes his head, he is prepared for what lies beyond.
“Who wants to live forever?” he asks.
Blizzard was about to say “Well, I do”, but thought better of it. Specfically he thought better of it when he saw Grid-Iron pick up his football gun.

“I swear… by the God-Given Right bestowed in my Rifle, converted to launch Footballs instead of bullets, that you will be avenged, and all the Vipers Cobra has shall not detain me!”


I FINALLY got a shot of Grid-Irons Football Gun in action! Unfortunately, the bullets blink a lot, so I snapped a shot of them as they are green and not-at-all football like. Rest assured, they sometimes are colored properly for footballs.

Grid-Iron also makes good on his promise to avenge his fallen comrades. I don’t quite recall how Blizzard died, but his life bar is empty so it must have happened at some point.



Grid-Iron is unstoppable at this point, having personally destroyed the entire outer perimeter of the Antarctic Base. The Bob-Ross-Crimson-Guard is the final defense. There are no more vipers. Grid-Iron has succeeded in avenging the death of his friend. And the death of Blizzard as well.

“Rest now, sweet Prince… and Blizzard, and scores of angels sing thee to thy rest… and Blizzard too”.

Oh but what kind of way is that to end a level?


Cobra Amphibious Weapon: Sea Ray

Bursting forth from the icy depths of the ocean (presumably) comes a Cobra Sea-Ray! A formidable flying nemesis for Cobra! It’s a highly-armed attack craft that quickly disengages to become a submarine and a glider-wing!

Unlike previous bosses, the Sea-Ray has weak points that need to be demolished in order to win the day. Specifically, it’s all those Real-Firing Missiles� that need to go. And Grid-Iron is the best Joe for the job there. The fact that he’s also the only surviving Joe just makes him even more qualified.

Fun Fact about the Sea Ray: Despite the name, it isn’t just for the sea. So it being in Antarctica isn’t completely preposterous. It’s just pretty silly.


Luckily, even though the Sea-Ray fires all of its missiles at once, they still fire in sequence from left to right, so dodging them is easy. Rather then using the Football Gun, Grid-Iron is taking on the Ray with his hand grenades.

Unlike guns, you have infinite grenades and they get lobbed in an arc, which puts you safely out of the Rays firing range. Plus they can get thrown pretty quickly. I’m not sure if the Grenades strength is based on the Melee strength (since they can only be used when you’re going bare-knuckled), or if they’re based on Gun strength (since they’re, you know, weapons), but Grid-Iron excels at both, so it’s a moot point.



The Rays missiles have been half demolished, meaning the Ray is nearly destroyed. Keep lobbing for freedom you football launching goon!



Finally, after blasting many, many holes into the fuselage of the flying submarine, Grid-Iron successfully blows apart each of the inexhaustible Real-Firing Missile� Batteries. Just then, the back flies open and its pilot, Sea Slug, escapes in the crafts Glider-Wing Mode*

“You will never stop our plan to freeze half the world G.I Joe!” he screams triumphantly. Well, somewhat triumphantly.

The triumph was cut short by Sea Slug quickly realizing why people generally do not go hang-gliding in the middle of the South Pole, as the wings freeze solid and he crashes back to the indescribably cold waters below.

Grid-Iron walks forward, into the Cobra Missile Base

*this part didn't actually happen in the game, but I felt like giving Sea Slug at least some notoriety.

I hate the next stage so, so much. Hope it doesn't drive you crazy like it did me.

Stagte 2-2 is pretty bad (mostly thanks to its boss), but 5-2 is MUCH worse.

I apologize if this update isn't up to snuff, I have a bad cold.



Inside the Arctic Base:
Cobra Technician: Good news sir! The bases outer defenses were able to reduce the Joe threat by 66%! Sea Slug is dead, however.
Metal Head He died as he lived, flying a submarine through the air.
Cobra Technician: What shall we do about the remaining Joe, sir?
Metal Head I seriously doubt a single Joe can plant all three necessary demolition charges throughout the base while avoiding being blown to pieces by the heaps of mini-helicopters and teleporting Vipers we have stashed around.
Cobra Technician: Nevertheless, sir, we do have those few Buzz Boars sitting around, maybe we could use them too.
Metal Head: No, I have a better idea! Let’s stash them, fully manned, just outside the emergency exit!
Cobra Technician: But why?
Metal Head: Because three of them will make for an extremely annoying boss fight! Now, quick, put me on the monitors!



Metal Head: You see? I also worked in a sly nod to our plans to freeze half the world with ICE 4.5
Cobra Technician: Why, sir?
Metal Head: Kurt, it’s one of those things you just don’t need to understand.



As previously mentioned, this time there are three Check Points to locate and place charges on. Grid Iron is still on his own, since Joe’s only come back with a game over. This is foreshadowing.



The Antarctic Base is much larger then the Jungle Base and its Checks are much better hidden. Also, there are heaps of conveyor belts all over the place. If you guess that there’s a level coming up when there’s nothing but conveyor belt platforming then, congratulations, that’s right.



Here are some of those Teleporting Vipers mentioned earlier; they pop in, shoot, and pop out. They also take a heap of shots to kill. Luckily, Grid-Iron doesn’t need a gun to kill things. A single punch to the jaw drops them and makes them go all explodey.



Finally, the tables are turning, Grid-Iron blows open a hole in the floor and finds a tiny helicopter. A Tiny Helicopter that has a mini-gun attached. It makes short work of every single enemy in the base, but it can only take a few shots before blowing up.



“Up, up and awaaaay in my beautiful… my beautiful… helicop-ter”



And here’s Check Point One! Actually, it’s pretty clever of Cobra to have put the bases weak point in a place that’s so hard to reach, let alone place a explosive charge on. Kudos to you, Cobra Engineer.

Kudos.



Of course, NES games rarely follow logic, so placing the bomb isn’t impossible, or even difficult.
Boo on you, Cobra Engineer.



Besides the teleporting Vipers, the base is full of tiny helicopters. The helicopters aren’t any strong and Grid-Iron can punch them out of the sky as well.

To restate: Grid-Iron can PUNCH a helicopter and make it EXPLODE!

I am so glad he’s a good guy.

Just under the heap of conveyors and wreckage of many helicopters, Grid-Iron finds the second Check Point. Things are coming up roses!



The last Check Point is well hidden in the only part of the base Grid-Iron hasn’t been into yet. It’s hard to tell from the screenshot, but Grid-Iron is behind the wall, just under the check.



Oh Yeah! All three bombs placed. Just to hop through the door and escape!


Cobra Armed Drill: Buzzboar x 3

And here’s the boss. Three Buzz Boars. With their large rotating wheels, the boars can dig underground to cache top-secret implements of destruction! This toy does not fire missiles.

Well, actually, they DO fire missiles. Big spinny ones that are hard to dodge. Plus they are crazy-ass fast and take a lot of bullets to destroy. A few punches could probably do the job faster, but, honestly, I don’t want to have to get that close to these things.



Not that it matters since the Buzz Boars rip Grid-Iron to shreds. The entire Joe team is dead. The world is doomed!


Oh but what is this? It seems that a continue screen has appeared, along with Metal Heads somewhat non-intimidating gloat. Continuing means you have to restart the level and you lose any Weapon Upgrades, but it gives you back all your Joes.



My second trip through the Base fairs considerably better. Not only did the entire Team survive, I managed to upgrade Grid-Irons Football rifle to launch three pigskins instead of two.



Round two goes significantly better for all persons involved, with the exception of the Buzz Boar pilots. We’ll assume they flew out with parachutes, even though it wasn’t shown in the game. We’ll chock it up to the technical limitations of the NES.



Despite the fact that the previous screen showed I have only 157 second left, the timer is somehow reset to show 180 seconds. That was nice of those explosives.

But why lies in wait for our hereoes? Stay Tuned for our next exciting episode!

Which probably won't be until I feel less miserable.

Wow, it’s amazing how much better cold medicine works when you don’t take the Night-Relief pills in the day and the Day Relief at night. Who’d a thunk it?



Cobra Technician: Sir, it would seem that the entire battalion of Buzzboars we had has been demolished.
Metal Head: That’s… sub-optimal.
Cobra Technician: More bad news, according to field reports, the Joes that Sea Slug’s forces killed previously are still alive somehow.
Metal Head: Well, that’s not out of the ordinary.
Cobra Technician: Sir?
Metal Head: The Matrix of Leadership is said to be able to bring Sparks back online.
Cobra Technician: …That’s the wrong Hasbro franchise, sir.
Metal Head: Oh, well… that’s pretty weird then.
Cobra Technician: Also, it seems that the football helmet guy was able to place three demolition charges throughout the base. We have… 180 seconds until we all die.
Metal Head: Until YOU all die, maybe. I’m the guy with a jetpack, and the only way out is a series of tiny, tiny conveyor belts over a deep abyss. Everyone else can try to stop the Joes.
Cobra Technician: It’s been a pleasure working with you sir. I’ll put you on the monitor now.



Cobra Technician: Sir, none of them are actually named Joe. It’s just the code name for the entire team.


MISSION START!



As previously mentioned, all of mission 2-3 is a series of teeny, tiny conveyor belts spread along a massive gaping chasm of doom. And many of those platforms contain Vipers. And the ones that do not are plagued by a seemingly endless supply of helicopters that zoom every which way. There for, in theory, this level is obnoxiously difficult to a ridiculous extreme.

In theory.



A short distance left of the starting point is an unoccupied Buzzboar. And, as the previous boss fight illustrated, Buzzboars can move on any surface, including the ceiling.

“This one is a bit more beat up then the ones you fought against before, Grid-Iron” says Blizzard, “I think piloting it may be suicidal”
Grid-Iron nodded, “I’d wager it could only take about 3 good hits before it explodes, ejecting you out of it, you best be careful in it”.
“Wha? Why do I have to pilot it?”
“Well, odds are that the Cobra Operative in charge of this base is tougher then the previous two, and you don’t really have much of a chance of beating him, with your sissy little gun and knives. Plus, you’re Team Leader and haven’t really done much leading. Plenty of lying around dead, but not much leading.”



And so, Blizzard did begrudgingly climb into the Buzzboar against his will, only changing his mind when it was pointed out that 3 minutes before an entire military installation exploded was not the best time to pout.

A pair of ludicrously huge cannons being pointed at him helped make his mind up too.

“You guys are assholes”

The journey is gradual, since care had to be taken to dodge or blow up every enemy that came by. Eventually, after many continues, the Joe team reached the end of the corridor with no fatalities.



“Well, we’re at the end of the corridor, but I don’t see the leader anywhere. Nor do I see the door that lead from the base interior to the inside of a gla-“

Blizzard is cut off as a huge explosion knocks the rocks loose from the Cliffside and a small somersaulting, purple-clad individual explodes forth, launching missiles every which way.



Destro’s Anti-Tank Specialist: Metal-Head
The somersaulting man came to a rest behind Rock & Roll, while the Joe was busy scrambling to avoid the falling debris.

“Sorry about that, I do tend to fire wildly with these anti-tank rockets, my name is Metal Head, and I will be your executioner tonight.”

“Oh come on, could you not think of a better introduction then that?” asks Blizzard.

“Well, I’m sorry, I thought the whole ‘explode out of a rock wall with back flips and wild-firing missiles was enough of an introduction, I didn’t realize you guys were friggin’ royalty.”

Grid-Iron steps in, “You thought wrong. We Joes expect a certain level of quality introduction before we start blowing people and places up. At the very least, you could explain your nefarious plan to us. Do us that much courtesy at least.”

Metal-Head sighs as he reloads his rocket barrel, “Fine. I was sent here as part of Cobra’s secret operation, ‘Project: Cat Cradle” to launch a missile armed with a deadly microbe capable of freezing half the worlds water supply, unless unspecific, though probably large, demands were made”

“Wait, Cats Cradle… and freezing the world… the hell? Is Cobra Commander basing his domination schemes on Oprah’s Book Club now?”

“Actually, that was all me. I even named the microbe ICE 4.5 and made sure I had a guy named Kurt work on it. I thought it was clever. And YOU’RE the only one to notice it!”

“Well, it wasn’t the most clear of references. That’s another area you need work in”

“Well, at least tell me what you think of the plan”

“It’s cold as ice” say’s Rock & Roll, shouldering his cannons and managing to both deliver a horrible pun and making his quota for song references. I’m proud of him.

Fun Fact about Metal-Head: Between his stupid name, his ugly face, and his obnoxiously difficult boss fight, there is nothing I even remotely like about him. I also question the logic of deploying an anti-tank specialist against infantry.

Also, pay no attention to the status bar in this screen, it was from one of my numerous failed attempts to beat him.



Metal Head makes a habit of flipping through the air all crazy like and launching rockets at the walls, rather then you. This SOUNDS okay, but the rockets actually deal less damage then the resulting falling rocks, and much less damage then the collision with Metal-Head does. And since he’s doing so much crazy-flipping, he’s bound to run into you a lot.

Also, if whatever Joe you’re using dies, the entire fight starts over again. This limitation doesn’t extend to swapping Joes, though, so the best strategy is to start with your weakest character (in this case, Blizzard) and shooting the holy bajeezus out of him non-stop. When Blizzard gets low on health, Grid-Iron takes over and loads his face-hole with footballs, then to Rock & Roll when Grid-Iron takes too much damage.

Due to the huge amount of damage he has to take, and the fact that the entire screen is full of things to dodge, Metal-Head is one of the toughest bosses in the game.

I hope.



“Only too late do I realize that crime doesn’t pay” says Metal-Head as he erupts into blue flame.



Even though there were still 170 seconds left on the timers, the base explodes as soon as Metal-Head falls. I could explain it, but there’s a lot of science involved.

G.I. Joe Headquarters-
Mainframe: We’ve just got confirmation, General Hawk, Blizzards team destroyed the Missile base in Antarctica!
Hawk: Who did what now?
Mainframe: Blizzard sir, he lead his team to destroy the base and complete his mission.
Hawk: The snow-guy?
Mainframe: That’s him.
Hawk: Seriously? Blizzard?
Mainframe: I know how it sounds, sir, but we have confirmation, Blizzard saved the world.
Hawk: I’ll be danged. Well, what’s next then?
Mainframe: The next Cobra Base we have intel on is a large computer facility buried somewhere deep under the New York sewers.
Hawk: We’ll send Snake Eyes, and two of the other 4 guys.
Mainframe: I don’t think that’s wise sir. It’s an urban mission, wouldn’t Tunnel Rat or Roadblock be better suited for that environment?
Hawk: Oh, what was that GENERAL Mainframe, sir? I seem to have forgotten that you’re the leader of the entire Joe team, and not me. Now how could I have forgotten that I promoted you above me? That seems like a pretty big mistake to make sir.
Mainframe: (fighting back hot tears)…patching you through to the field team now, sir.



THAT WAS CLOSE! THEY ALMOST LAUNCHED, GREAT JOB MEN!! THIS MISSION WILL BE AN ATTACK ON THE SUPER COMPUTER BASE UNDER NEW YORK. SNAKE EYES, YOU'LL BE LEADER OF THIS MISSION, PLEASE SELECT YOUR TEAM YO JOE!!


And so ends the saga of the Antarctic Missile Base. The next mission takes us to the Sub-Sewers to smash have a Ninja smash a computer? But who will Snake-Eyes take with him? The choice… is YOURS!

I vote Blizzard for every mission.

Outside of that, though, Captian Grid Iron would probably look the least out of place walking around in an urban environment.

I vote for the gunshaver! Rock rock on!

Note that it's not a particularly Urban enviroment. It's the sewers.

Football players don't look very not-out-of-place there.

So is that why they chose Snake Eyes to lead the mission then, in case they ran into the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

That's the theory I'm working with, yes.