Turn off the Lights and Pop some Corns; It's OCTOPRIME MOVIE TIME!

[Octopus Prime]

Hi! I'm Octo!

As anyone on the Discord knows, I like to watch Incredible movies, and then yammer on about them as they go on, like live-tweeting, except... not on Twitter. And today was no exception. And I also decided that, for posterity, WHY NOT make a thread dedicated to these transcriptions. Like a stream-of-consciousness novelization thread. Who's going to stop me? The Mayor?

And so I did! These aren't edited in any way except to remove crosstalk. All spelling and continuity errors are as I wrote them.

Anyway, first up is 1994s BrainScan; a horror movie in which Eddie Furlong is hypnotized into commiting murders by a dollar-store Freddy Kruegar; and it's a sobering tale of why Horror Movies and Violent Video Games are bad, written to appeal to teens, by 60 year old men.

​

Corns a Poppin', PS4 is... doing some manner of maintenance

[1:16 PM]
OKAY HERE WE GOOOOO

[1:16 PM]
Rated R for Strong Language, VIolence and Sexuality!

[1:17 PM]
Triumph Pictures!


[1:17 PM]
Lots of synth in this logo
[1:17 PM]
Love it
[1:17 PM]
Eddie Furlong and Frank Langela!
[1:18 PM]
Spooky music as a dog runs through a neighborhood
[1:18 PM]
And T Ryder Smith as... The Trickster
[1:18 PM]
A hospital and rain!
[1:19 PM]
Broken medication bottles and glass
[1:19 PM]
Lots of tracking shots with Twin Peaks-y music
[1:19 PM]
It's John COnnor!
[1:20 PM]
With an exploded knee
[1:20 PM]
Or a dream
[1:20 PM]
It a dream
[1:21 PM]
Oh damn
[1:21 PM]
Oh damn, Eddie Furlongs computer
[1:21 PM]
OH MY GOD
[1:21 PM]
This movie already gets a 100/10
[1:22 PM]
It's a big ol' Early 90s IBM computer, and it has a ringing phone screen saver when the phone rings and he says "On Screed" to answer it and a friggin' picture of Count Orlock pops on it to say who's calling
[1:22 PM]
OH MY GOD
[1:23 PM]
His friend is excited to call him to tell him about the a popular horror game
[1:23 PM]
John Connor is skeptical about a video game advertisement
[1:23 PM]
It's on CD-ROM!
[1:23 PM]
It's INTERACTIVE!
[1:24 PM]
And John Connor is peepin' on his neighbor, in her underwears
[1:25 PM]
This movie came out when everyone was spooked and scared by Nightrap
[1:26 PM]
And John COnnor has apparently been peepin' on his neihbor for a while as he has lots of recorded videos of her changing
[1:26 PM]
Way to justofy my dislike of you in a different movie, Eddie Furlong
[1:27 PM]
John COnnor thinks its better to yell at his computer than it is to pick up the phone

John Connor calls a 1-800 Number to order the game

[1:28 PM]
And when he gives guff, the guy sends him a telekinetic shock
[1:28 PM]
Because... because he didn't like Eddie in Terminator 2 either?
[1:30 PM]
Bunch of Rad Teens and Cool Kids watching old horror movies in computer class
[1:31 PM]
This movie has all the earmarks of someone who wants to reference a lot of horror movies and video games, in order to appeal to teens, but is also over the age of 60
[1:31 PM]
John COnnor makes a snide comment on a scene where a vampire eats a gall bladder in the movie he was watching, called "Death, Death, Death"
[1:32 PM]
The principal doesn't like horror movies
[1:32 PM]
It's a Kids Rule, Adults Drool kind of movie
[1:33 PM]
"I like them because it's an escape, sir" says John COnnor, of his Horror Movie affection "Like lightning up a marijuana cigarette, to escape from the reality of the world" says the Principal
"Or watching a pornographic sex film and getting an erection"

On his way home from school, Eddie Furlong sees a a violent death, and the police don't stop to ask him any questions even knowing he was a neighbor

[1:35 PM]
Eddie is unaffected by death because of his horror movies

[1:36 PM]
And also his PTSD from the violent death of his mother he had a nightmare about earlier

[1:37 PM]
Eddie has a dead mom and strained relationship with his dad who is never home

[1:37 PM]
But he got a package in the mail!
[1:38 PM]
In case you ahven't worked out the characters arc yet; there's a slow pan of pictures of his loving family which then gives way to things punk kids like, like Iron Maiden and copies of Fangoria
[1:38 PM]
And having gotten an INTERACTIVE CD ROM COMPUTER GAME, John Connor pops it, jewel-case and all, into his computer

Somehow, John has managed to give himself a bespoke message for when his line is busy, for incoming calls

[1:40 PM]
"Video Games are Ancient History!" says the rapidly talking system voice for BRAINSCAN

[1:40 PM]
"THIS IS THE FIRST DISK IN A SERIES OF FOUR!"

[1:41 PM]
John isn't concerned by the fact that the game is speaking to him and responding
[1:41 PM]
This computer game, which he put into his computer, is played by TV remote, and by staring at his TV
[1:41 PM]
90s CG!
[1:43 PM]
This is less of an interactive video experience and more of... just a first person guided tour of a murder
[1:43 PM]
Really hoping for some Tron-ish Bad CG Action
[1:43 PM]
But no, just a CG tunnel as the game starts

[1:45 PM]
And First Person John Connor has stabbed a sleeping man to death and he flails around the room in his death throes like Mr. Bean
[1:45 PM]
Cat didn't even notice
[1:45 PM]
And he chops off the guys entire foot because it had a tattoo on it
[1:46 PM]
And John wakes up, covered in sweat, happy at his Virtua Murder
[1:49 PM]
Cool Stoner Friend wants to try Brainscan too, but John Connor doesn't want to stop reliving Virtua Murders just yet
[1:49 PM]
And the thrill of Virtua Murder has given John Connor the confidence he needs to talk to the neighbor he keeps peepin' on

[1:50 PM]
She has yet to have any lines of dialogue
[1:51 PM]
But he loses his nerve when he realizes that there was a murder in town that was exactly the virtua murder he murd'd up
John Connor walks up to the same detective who brushed him off before and says "I can explain", WRT the murder, and the detective says "You don't have anything to explain about this, go home"

[1:52 PM]
He is an absurdly bad detective

[1:53 PM]
And here's the villain!

[1:54 PM]
The face from the Brainscan cover pops out of his TV; it's The Trickster!

[1:55 PM]
Hypnotic Store-Brand Freddie Kruegar walks into his living room, uninvited, and makes fun of John COnnors CD collection

[1:55 PM]
Tactless

[1:55 PM]
Also; bragging of the murders he hypnotized a kid into commiting
[1:57 PM]
"Nothing about this makes sense!" says Eddie Furlough, lamenting his teen murders "You watch horror movies! Do they make sense!" replies Trickster

Trickster makes a crack about enduring all kinds of tortues but can't stand country music

[2:18 PM]
Oh Trickster, your dialogue was written by a 65 year old man

[2:18 PM]
Mad at kids

[2:19 PM]
John Connor decides to bury the evidence (the foot he chopped off and put in his freezer) but WHOOPS, a dog stole it

[2:19 PM]
Mans best friend; CRIMES WORST ENEMY!
[2:22 PM]
Stoner Friend throws rocks at John Connors house because he wasn't at school
[2:22 PM]
"Hey, did you hear about the murder! That's cool!"
[2:23 PM]
Upon hearing that his best friend is sick and wants to go to bed (actually a clever ruse to explain why he was busying burying a foot), Stoner Friend flips him off and rings the doorbell a bunch because he is not being lent a video game
[2:25 PM]
Hey! Romantic Lead finally has a line of dialogue
[2:25 PM]
Midway through the movie
[2:25 PM]
There is some bad Teen Flirting
[2:26 PM]
Well, bad Flirting from her, Bad "Please leave my house, I am stressed because a goblin is making me murder people" dialogue from him

[2:32 PM]
John Connor now opts to video tape himself playing Brainscan (and thus willfully commiting a murder) in order to act as a confession that he killed someone already

[2:32 PM]
You... could just admit to commiting a murder, John
[2:32 PM]
You don't need to do a second murder to prove you can do them
[2:35 PM]
Upon reviewing the tape of him hypnotized into committing murders, John Connor is startled to see that he was hypnotized into committing murders.

[2:35 PM]
Oh no, he murdered Stoner Friend
[2:36 PM]
And Bad Detective is on the scene, not... making any inquiries
[2:38 PM]
Romantic Lead comes back, and reveals that the real reason Stoner Friend came over was to let John Connor know that he had started a petition to restart his after school Horror Movie club
[2:38 PM]
A plot point I had forgotten about

[2:38 PM]
And which nominally makes their fight and consequent murder more tragic, but... doesn't

Trickster admits that Stoner Friend wasn't actually a witness to his previous murders (as he implied), but he was a character witness

[2:47 PM]
John Connor hasn't quite clued in that perhaps a guy named Trickster may wish to trick him

[2:52 PM]
Bad Detective comes up to John Connors house in order to question him about all the murders in his neighborhood; and everyone at school knows him to be a STRANGE AND TERRIBLE PERSON because he enjoys horror movies
John COnnor swings between Lying Badly so he is not arrested for the murders he did, and wanting to confess to the police for the murders he did

Trickster offers John Connor a deal; either commit another murder or commit suicide.

[2:57 PM]
He doesn't really give any reason to... just not do either

[2:58 PM]
John COnnor instead offers to play the murder game because Trickster promises there's no murders this time

[2:58 PM]
Hey... hey John. John, his name is The Trickster
[2:59 PM]
And then there's a flash and John wakes up in Romantic Leads bed with ehr in a nightgown gettin' smooches
[2:59 PM]
But it's a dream and the guys he murdered kill him instead

[2:59 PM]
MOOD KILLER!

And Bad Detective breaks into an teens home, with no parents or lregal guardians and pokes around for clues, and then wrangles up a vigilante posse to act as a neighborhood watch

[3:06 PM]
And Hypnotized John Connor (who seems to be fully alert) is perceived to be a menacing skulker by the angry posse.

[3:06 PM]
And now he's on the run from deadly violence

[3:06 PM]
Trickster Tricked Him!
[3:08 PM]
And he wound up accidentally killing someone who was after him; which wasn't technically murder
[3:08 PM]
Oh Trickster, you and your extremely easy to understand silver tongue

And besides the accidental murder, the riled up crowd also wound up shooting... another guy because murderous posses are prone to do that kind of thing

[3:12 PM]
"This isn't a game, this is just LOTS OF CRIMES!"

[3:13 PM]
And Trickster is happy because of several accidental deaths and now implies that Love Interest alos has to die because she's a witness

[3:13 PM]
How, I don't know

[3:16 PM]
Trickster, not incorrectly, points out that John Connor doesn't actually love Love Interest, it's just that she frequently undresses where he can see her, and also has not given consent and certainly doesn't know that she's video taped

[3:16 PM]
He may be a murder goblin but he's kind of morally in the clear on this

John COnnors talking computer bids him a sad farewell when he prepares to play the final Brainscan disc and thus murder the literal child he's been stalking and talking illicit pictures of

[3:20 PM]
(the actress was in her 20s at the time, but she's playing a teenager)

[3:21 PM]
(also, it's Amy Hargraves, from Homeland)
[3:23 PM]
Love Interest sleeps on totally uaware that John Connor is standing over her prepared to kill her, but has instead opted to have a knife fight against Trickster instead
[3:25 PM]
And then the Trickster reveals that 1) he's not real, he's John Connors Evil Side; created because he watched too many horror movies and 2) he IS relea, because he kills and eats John Connor and then turns into him
[3:27 PM]
Aww, it turns out that Love Interest was also taking pictures of John Connor when HE was changing and totally unaware he was being photographed
[3:28 PM]
And the power of... not love, something else... makes John COnnor expel Trickster from his body
[3:29 PM]
Then Bad Detective comes in, declares John Connor a murderer (literally says the word "Murderer" while pointing) and then shoots him in the chest

[3:29 PM]
But it's a dream, so okay

[3:29 PM]
And it turns out the WHOLE MOVIE was a dream
[3:31 PM]
In a rage that he had a really lucid dream, he breaks his computer with a frying pan
[3:33 PM]
And even Stoner Friend gets a romantic companion now
[3:33 PM]
And it's all thanks to having a scary hypnotic dream
[3:34 PM]
And John Connor now has the self confidence to ask Romantic Lead if she wants to go out with him
[3:34 PM]
And she says "no" because they've literally never spoken
[3:35 PM]
Which would have been good but then she backpedals and says she's thinking of breaking up with her boyfriend and has been taking unsolicited candid pictures of him And, in order to get revenge on the principal for banning horror movies without him experiencing them first, John COnnor gives a copy of Brainscan to him in order to give him a very bad lusid dream about murders

[3:37 PM]
Movies over

 

[Octopus Prime]

A bunch of excellent Marios came out this week; and why better way to commemorate that than a film that Bob Hoskins described as one of the greatest regrets of his life!

​

HOLLYWOOD PICTURES!
Remember them?
Light Motive~
A lot of production crews I do not remember!
Bad Cartoon Intro!
BROOKLYN! 65 MILLION YEARS AGO!

Explaining what a dinosaur is!
What is the meteor blew dinosaurs into an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE!
BROOKLYN, 20 YEARS AGO!
Lady leaves an egg on a door

Like a paniced Easter Bunny
Nuns all "Hey, free egg!"

Whole bunch of people credited as Writer!



It's Dennis Hopper!
Egg turns into a baby



BROOKLYN NOW!
Done with the flashbacks, I assume!
No Stache!
Not my Lou!
Our Good Brothers are out of work because New York doesn't have enough plumbing issues in the 90s

These brothers are at odds with the Scapelli Brothers
Perhaps the same ones from Ghostbusters 2?
Let's say Yes
Construction is being held up because Dinosaur Bones are in the bedrock
And the mob is hassling them

Fisher Stevens!
Jokes about bottled water!


Daisy, for some reason
Nobody made it out of Brooklyn back in the early 90s
Also, the mob is threatening Daisy and suggesting theyre behind a number of disappearances in the city recently, even though it was the presumed Koopalings who did it
John Leguizamo is hitting on Daisy
Is this why Luigi and Daisy are shipped together?

Evidence suggests Yes
Mario appears to be at least twice the age of his twin brother


Jokes about the DOdgers too
Daisy causually mentions that she's a found baby who grew up in an orphanage like it wasn't something interesting about her

So the Koopaling brothers are Iggy... and Spike
SPIKE AIN'T A KOOPALING!

I question this movies commitment to the canon
Surely this will be the only instance
Daisy is bewildered that people consider a foundling orphan paleontologist who battles the mob over the rites to an Iridium mine interesting


"Look at this thumb; it's like a *monster trying to be a human being"


Daisy is not great her job
He's Iggy!
Best known, I think for being the one with the bouncy balls?
Or maybe that's Lemmy
The mob has decided that destroying a mine full of unprecdented dinosaur fossils and also precious iridium is a more economical choice than the construction job they were doing

Luckily, Marios skills as a plumber far outstrip the mobs ability to flood inexpressibly valuable mines
Sewer pipes that just lead directly to the caves from The Descent
Daisy is kidnapped by Iggy and Spike and tossed into a Bad CG Wall

John Leguizamo jumps into the Bad CG full of Princess Rescuin' Eneergy
Movies got some... pretty impressive sets, I'll give it that
And the Bad CG Cavewall leads directly to... the set of Blade Runner
The Brethren Mario are thrown into a mushroom by a leather clad cop-biker
Bowser is apparently still sore about something that happened 65 million years ago
Dennis Hopper is acting a LOT in this movie
And he has some incredible hair
"Put out a Plumber Alert" he announces to his... wife?
Plumber ALerts are a common thing?
And an old lady robs them with a cattle prod
All the vehicles are bumper-cars?
Thwomps are... shoes that make you Jump Good

Daisy is thrown in a jail with the other kidnapped women alluded to earlier
Ahh, see, they're called the Mario Brothers because their last names are both Mario

And they get doused in slime because this is the era of Double Dare
And the Mushroom Kingdom jail is a dog kennel

Cross dimensionl travel is just... a common thing in this world
It's Toad!
Not sounding like a five year old chain smoker
And now he's a goomba
I notice that Dennis Hopper holds his arms very close to his chest in every scene; possibly because he's so proud of the fact that he is descended from a T-Rex, which is some subtle acting that I do, in truth, approve of

I mean... 65 million years is a meaninglessly huge track of time to track lineage, so it means absolutely nothing, but still

He built a De-evolution machine, so who am I to disagree with him
See now, you'd think that Bowser being tossed into the Devolution Machine would mean he'd turn into something clsoer to his in-game apperance
But this is not that movie
Also, a mushroom gave them a bob-omb

And they have fireball launchers instead of fire flowers
Everything about this movie is frickin' weird

Weirder if you consider what it's adapting
The police cars have snow plows on them
Despite being a King, there are VOTE KOOPA posters everywhere


From what I've seen of the Mushroom Kingdom, I don't know if this explosion heavy car chase to escape the Biker Cops is actually worth commenting on for the citizens
The Fungus on everything is... really gross


John Leguizamo has had a spiritual awakening and belives the fungus are trying to save them all
So... who is Bowsers wife?
"Lena" according to IMDB


My head canon is now that she is Birdo
Bowser puts the Koopalings into the Devolver Machine and puts it into reverse to make them smarter

Now they're British and know math

Despite being an entire universe, all we see of the Mushroom Kingdom is a cave with a city inside it
Daisy meets a Clever Girl
Again, ain't gonna lie; really good practical effects and set dressing here
It's Yoshi!

Everyones favorite horse!
Like most people, Daisy never suspected that she's half dinosaur
And now Dennis Hopper is getting really creepily romantic with Daisy
Despite being now Smart (as shown by inconsistent British accents and using words like "indubitably"), Iggy and Spike are still the dimwitted comic relief and immediately drive off a cliff
Shirtless John Leguizamo, ladies
Wait a minute, everyone int eh city is descended from dinosaurs, but Big Bertha is a fish!
EXPLAIN THIS INCONSISTENCY!
Out of every Mario character, Snifits are the one they reproduce accurately
And now; a sexy dance club
Bertha immedaitely punches Bob Hoskins in the face for hitting on her

Good for you, Bertha!
Live your best life!
Mario attempts a Sleight of Hand check to steal a necklace from twixt Berthas cleavage
She looks genuiney hurt when he successed and runs away

This alternate universe dance club has a playlist taken from 1990s America

The thing with the Mushroom King is... genuinely horrifying

The Brethren Mario sneak their way through Bowsers FOrtress by using Plumber Skills

And they steal uniforms from the janitor closet that look like they do in the games; which doesn't look at all like any of the employees or guards anywhere else in the movie
Bowsers Wife (who I again, assume is supposed to be Birdo based on the paucity of female Mario characters available in 1990) decides she's jealous of the time Bowser is spending with Daisy and has turned against him

Not quite grasping that he on;y cares about stealing her necklace
Some Goombas have lizard faces; I will assume these are actually Troopas
And when Birdo decides to kill Daisy, she is instead attacked by Yoshi
The Goombas and Troopas all start dancing together
Iggy and SPike have revealed to be royalists loyal to the Mushroom King
Yoshi manages to wander to the Kings Mushroom Throne from Daisies room, despite being chained to the floor

Mario seems reluctant to accept Sentient Fungus as a possibility
Despite everything else he's dealt with over the last day
I am going to accept that at least one of the kidnapped women is Peach
And another is Pauline
And now an ice luge
Which I am sure was a lot more fun when it was pitched than when it was filmed

The entire Birdo subplot seems to have been resolved without it affecting the plot in any way
FINAL BATTLE! MARIO VS BOWSER!
LET'S A GO!
Bowser is in a suspended construction... bucket
I could accept this as being a reinterpretation of the SMW final boss
A Robert Bomb
Cartoon Lightning ina Live Action movie
YES!
Best Visual Effect
And now... Super Scopes!
The mob boss was hit because Mushroom Kingdom and New York ahve merged
And now he's a monkey
That was a weird shortlived scene
The Bob-Omb is still Babys Day Outing through the city streets
And Bowser is hit by the devolver gun and turned into... something vaguely Xenomorph-ish
Which is then immediately killed
At least Howard the Duck knew to linger on the giant monster finale


And with Bowser dead, everyone in the city rejoices, tears down his statues and posters and for some reason the Mushroom King instantly reverts to Lance Hendrikson


First one turms him into something between a Xenomorph and that big monster from Dinosaurs that gave me nightmares when I was 6
Daisy would rather live in a cave-city on a dying alternate earth with no renewable resources than continue to date Rest of cast listed alphabetically: Corey Corey ... Chimpanzee (uncredited)

I mean John Leguizamo
She may prefer dating the chimp, Corey
Despite proving interdimensional travel exists, rescuing a half dozen kidnapped princesses and turning a mob boss into Corey, the Uncredited Chimp, the only press coverage the Mario Brothers get is a brief mention on an Art Bell-like UHF show
Daisy burts into their apartment wielding a flamethrower declaring "You're not going to believe this!"
MOVIE OVER
Lessons Learned

 

[Octopus Prime]

​

I spent entirely too long scouring HISTORY for this post;

That’s been sitting on my To Be Watched shelf for entirely too long.

Haven’t seen it since it was in theatres. In my foolish youth, I thought it poor. Now I am Octo.


Oh man.... oh my God. I... friggin' LOVED this movie.

I loooooved it.

As per my live-thoughts in Dischord:

Well, I got off early, and I've got some candy... I might as well make it OCTOPRIME MOVIE TIME! Here we go It is time... FOR ANNIHILATION! Oh my god, the Bad CG... it's Beautiful Oh my GOD, this looks like friggin' Manborg And Raiden stopped being Christopher Lambert "Mother! You're... ALIVE!" "Too bad YOU! ... ... WILL DIE!" I am loving this already The greenscreening! So glaring Shao Kahns so giddy SOnya just stands around, waiting to get beaten up Johnny gets punched the head because he's looking for his glasses in the middle of a fight Shao Kahn celebrates his victory by making a big stone claw appear out of the ground "ANNIHILATE 'EM!" is just the ggofiest thing for a skeleton-man demigod to scream "I believe that by resurrecting your mother, Shao Kahn has opened a gate to Outworld, by reuniting with her, Kahns spell will be broken" How the frig did you figure that out, Raiden? There are secret tunnel highways through the Earth, by magical gyroscopes Shao Kahns palace has bag CG skulls floating all around And he's taken off his skeleton-mask, now he's just some big bald guy "EARTH is under attack and IT! IS! GLOOOORIOUS!" Holy damn, it's been a while since I saw someone so happy to be a bad guy in a movie as much as Shao Kahn Just friggin' backflipping everywhere Never takes a step, just somersaults to move Shinnok is looking... really different A tender kiss is interupted by a robot kicking Liu Kang in the kidney! ROMANCE SIDELINED IN FAVOR OF ROBOT VIOLENCE Where the robot and his ninja-flunkies came from I CAN ONLY GUESS! Liu just getting the hell kicked out of him Our Hero really sucks at his only job (punching evil wizards) Kitana, you are a magical princess from an evil fantasy kingdom; how do you know how a robot works? Sub-Zero! Totally cool with Liu killing his brother, also drops a lot of backstory then leaves the movie And Scorpion, he's alive again for some reason Scorp and Sub-Zero are fighting for no reason other than the fact that they don't get along, generally Fight scene cheoreography I can only describe as "hilarious" Scorpion kidnaps Kitana, yelling "SO LONG, SUCKERS!" Oh my god, I am LOVING this film 50/10 No, 100/5 "What the Hell have you done to yourself this time" grumbles an exasperated Sonya Blade, seeing her buddy has replaced his arms with giant robots You're going to WISH you were back in highschool! OH NO! ANOTHER ROBOT! Cyrax wishes he looked as good as a Power Ranger He uses his incredible robot power to break a window Cyrax has a chest-laser that turns people in bad CG skeletons An actual skeleton model would have been more convinging "I have Cybernetic STRENGTH ENHANCERS!" yells Jaxx Skeleton-lasers are useless against robot fists These robots would probably be more useful if they didn't have to stand still for so long before shooting their lasers Badly Greenscreen Fireball Escape Amazing! "Two of Earths greatest warriors have been killed, Kabal and Stryker" Thanks for telling, and not showing, movie Also "Best" is a bit of a stretch And Kahn kills Rain with a giant hammer because he's still sulking from his dad scolding him Oh my GOD< I friggin' ADORE this film Most of Sheevas dialogue is her hissing, like a cat, and flexxing like a cat with four beefy human arms And now a desert, I guess Liu is attacked by a wolf! Who turns into a dude "Pretty cool, huh? That's Animality!" Liu is really coasting on his one victory Express train to the dream-state involves hitting Liu Kang in the head with a hatchet Subtitles read [Liu Kang screams and falls down" Just... holy damn This film Waking up from his hatchet-coma, Liu sees a bikini-girl in a snowy plain, and thinks nothing of joining her on his quest to... figure out how to turn into a dragon He is just so co completely unsurprised by Jades appearance And now they're fighting, exactly as inexplicably FOOLISH.... CHild?!?! Jaxx is kind of put out because he was left out of the first movie and nobody is explaining the plot to him That is his entire character arc in this film And there's Mileena, in another fight scene that comes out of no where For a fight scene that I am reasonably sure only exists because the director noticed there was a big mud pit nearby and there were several attractive women in the cast And Jaxx helps out by unconvincingly punching a terrible CG skeleton "You look good in mud!" Sonya must have had a shower and fresh change of clothes since the last scene RAYDEN LOOKS LIKE BILLY IDOL NOW! OH MY GOD! EVERYONE IS JUST OKAY WITH THIS! NOBODY REACTS! "You have real skills, those mechanical arms are not a strength, they're your weakness!" Raiden just realized that he has no magical powers in addition to having a different haircut "Destroy.... HEHVERYTHING!" I have no idea what accent Shinnok is speaking with here I think he's Dutch? "All our milleniums of planning will be fulfilled!" says Shao Kahn, having no success at pronouncing "millennium" and apparently not knowing how to pluralize it "Muhmanyums" Sindel has had one line of dialogue that wasn't her screeching Raiden is now fighting several Reptiles (not to be confused with reptiles) who , again, appeared out of nowhere This movie has random battles I wonder if one of the special features puts the fight scenes in a random order, like Memento, and if they affect anything Also, I don't know how the fight the multiple Reptiles ended. It just stopped "What happened to Sindel?" "After she blasted you, I attacked her from behind, and she left" Given everything I've seen of this movie, I'm not sure if that's an unconvincing lie because Jade is secretly evil, or because they didn't have to budget to film another fight scene and had to leave some by Like, I am genuinely unsure Baraka swings, screaming, at Liu Kang, who dodges Afterward, Kitana boredly states "It's a trap, Liu. Leave." And liu contiues to stand around, while sword-armed monster-men swing at him Creature Effects for Baraka created by out of season Halloween Store leftovers And Sheeva is dead because a big thing fell on her Literally no fight Oh, I guess Jade DID knock out Sindel Off camera During a boring fight scene of no consequence Sindel looks to be the same age has her daughter, but they're both immortal magical princesses so w/ever Now Sindel is making up for all the overacting Shao Kahn was denying her before Everyone stands around watching her while she twirls. I think she's supposed to be turning into a tornado, like the games, but they're out of money for special effects so she's just twirling, and it is captivating "Your dad is an Elder God?!?" I mean, Rayden is a God, so... that's how that works? Another bad CG meat-skeleton ate Jade because they had money for bad CG monsters, but not for anything that is relevant to the plot Everyone believes that Liu Kang can beat Shao Kahn, despite all evidence to the contrary Raiden disappeared for a while and then reappeared for the final battle No idea where he went And Kahn kills Raiden, like, IMMEDIATELY "Mr. Ed is MINE" "The leftovers are fine by me!", Sonya is firmly aware of how important she and Ermac are to the plot Ermac created a second ninja out of nowhere, either an explanation for why so many Ninjas appear out of friggin' nowhere, or the director realizing there was still another guy from the games that hand't appeared yet Also, the soundtrack for this climactic final battle for the fate of the planet is really lethargic Jaxx upercutted a horse in the junk Kind of proving what Raiden said about his true strength not coming from his robot arms Stupidly Meanwhile, after everyone else beats up their respective mini-bosses, Liu Kang finally believes in himself enough to turn into a dragon There's a lesson there, I'm sure And Shao Kahn turns into an honestly pretty cool hydra Liu still loses, and badly, almost immediately, meaning that the magical quest that was HIS entire arc in this movie is utterly pointless Shinnok summons the rest of the Edler Gods and decides to start playing the theme song for the REAL final battle And it's over; Shao Kahn being proven to be slightly less competant at being a villain than Liu was at being a hero And Shinnok folds up like an evil dress shirt and disappears And we're treated to a montage of stock footage of world landmarks, showing that the worlds been rebuilt And Raiden takes his dads place as a guy made of bad CG sparkles And... umm... Sindel is still alive in the final shot, wearing a different dress Like so much of the film, this passes without comment And now the film bookends itself with the Mortal Kombat logo flying back together. Presumably it was supposed to fly apart in the opening credits sequence but... it did not

TLDR: Young Octo was a fool. Everyone who dares disrespect the magic of cinema is fool!

This movie is GREAT!

Every movie is great!

THANK YOU, HOLLYWOOD!

A THOUSAND TIMES, THANK YOU!

 

[Dracula]

Thank you for digging this up, Octo. I watched this movie for the first time last Saturday and both me and my watch partner had similar reactions. I'd always been warned that I should never see this movie because of how badly it undoes the first MK film. How wrong was that advice! So wrong!

 

[Torzelbaum]

50/10
No, 100/5

Or how about 500/1?

 

[Octopus Prime]

Let's be sensible now

 

[Daikaiju]

Oddly enough, Hopper resembled the SMB1 Bowser art.

 

[Büge]

I recognize the Toads, but who's he holding?

 

[Johnny Unusual]

Lady Elaine Fairchild with her nose removed.

"The Princess is in another castle, toots."

 

[Octopus Prime]

DRAGON DRAGON

ROCK THE DRAGON

​

Hmmm



[12:49 PM]
While it CERTAINLY is Octo Prime Movie Time, I have no idea what film today calls for
But not the target I'm aiming for at present



[12:56 PM]
Oh, three seasons of American Horror Story are on D+ now I meant to watch that



[1:01 PM]
Oh, Power Rangers The Movie



[1:01 PM]
Keep that in my pocket for later



[1:01 PM]
Oh



[1:01 PM]
OH!



[1:01 PM]
OH MY!



[1:01 PM]
QUESTION ANSWERED!



[1:02 PM]
Mother cussin' DRAGON BALL EVOLUTION?!?!?
[1:02 PM]
Hell Friggin; Yes!
[1:03 PM]
20th Century Fox!
[1:04 PM]
Andcient Prophecy of the demon king Piccolo!
[1:04 PM]
And his servant Oozaru!
[1:05 PM]
Big CG tears and sweat
[1:05 PM]
Gorku, looking suitably befuddled, less Asian and much less yoked than I expected
[1:06 PM]
Decent fight choereography as he trains under his grandpa
[1:06 PM]
eorgeographyOops, nevermind, this is bad cho
[1:08 PM]
I am having a really hard time associating this guy with Goku
[1:08 PM]
Goku goes to school?!?!
[1:08 PM]
What?!?!?
[1:08 PM]
And Goku really wants to beat people at school to death and romance ladies!
[1:09 PM]
Gokus grandpa lays out the premise succinctly
[1:10 PM]
Goku rides a dirtbike
[1:10 PM]
Goku is being bullied by the Mean Boys
[1:10 PM]
Named "Fuller"
[1:10 PM]
"Make me pay for it, Geeko"
[1:11 PM]
MEANWHILE IN THE SKY
[1:12 PM]
PIccolo is exploding cities
[1:12 PM]
Hey! Actual Japanese people!
[1:13 PM]
And I'm assuming that's Mai?
[1:13 PM]
Poking through the ruins looking for Dragonballs
[1:14 PM]
James Mars Man!
[1:15 PM]
This high school is learning about solar eclipses; assuming that these teens have never heard the concept before
[1:15 PM]
And Goku ignores the lesson in favor of sexy fantasies about a classmate
[1:16 PM]
"My grandfather always said 'Beware the Nameks'"
[1:16 PM]
Goku, even if you weren't paying attention, you can probably assume that's not the right answer to the question
[1:17 PM]
Goku helps his classmate out by blowing open all the lockers in the hall with a blast of wind from his palm
[1:17 PM]
GIRL CHARATCER (not yet named) automatically assumes that he conjured a wind strong enough to blow open a hall full of lockers
[1:19 PM]
She's Chi-Chi apparently
[1:19 PM]
"Just because my name is Chi-Chi, that doesn't mean I'm an idiot!"
[1:19 PM]
What?!?
[1:22 PM]
Goku tries to slick back his hair for a date with Chi Chi, but it immeditately goes back to being spikey Nice gag
[1:23 PM]
Goku being a skinny timid guy who doesn't want to fight goes against everything I hold sacred in this world
[1:24 PM]
And now he's in a fight he wins handily because he has Spider-Sense apparently?
[1:25 PM]
And the party goes off without a hitch now that Goku has brutalized several teens and wrecked a car like he was Mike Haggar
[1:26 PM]
Gokus grandpa likes not explaining anything to him and being coy for no reason
[1:26 PM]
And is not remotely subtle about the fact that Goku is an alien
[1:27 PM]
Mai attacks grandpa
[1:27 PM]
And James MARS MAN appears as well!
[1:27 PM]
Piccolo smooshes Gokus luxurious 2 story home with a gesture
[1:28 PM]
This is the call to action from Campbells Heroes Journey!
[1:28 PM]
Sensing James Mars Man smooshing his grandpa, Goku leaves the party and finds his grandpa, badly smooshed
[1:29 PM]
And Grandpa tells Goku to find the rest of the Dragon Balls, and also Master Roshi, before dying due to Smooshing related injuries
[1:31 PM]
And Goku finds his orange gi in his grandpas closet, after rifling through his things
[1:32 PM]
Oh, it's Bulma!
[1:32 PM]
WIth one single blue streak in her hair
[1:33 PM]
She's also a gun toting scientist spy
[1:34 PM]
Bulma invented a detector that can track Dragonball energy all over the world, and yet did not realize there was more than one of them
[1:36 PM]
Does this movie takes place in the future?
[1:36 PM]
There's transofrming cars and an ad for "Harrys Avatar Emporium"
[1:36 PM]
Their quest hits a dead-end because there's no "Master Roshi" in the phonebook
[1:37 PM]
There's a small brick house in the middle of a futuristic Blade RUnner city
[1:39 PM]
Hey, it's Chow Yun Fat!
Chow Yun Fat is having more fun in this than anyone else



[1:41 PM]
He also has an anime girl on his shirt



[1:41 PM]
It looks like a Toriyama design, so... hey, that's one thing they got right!



[1:42 PM]
Better look, no it is not



[1:42 PM]
Nevermind



[1:43 PM]
He does have a lot of porn though
[1:43 PM]
And Chow Yun Fat also has a Dragon Ball
[1:43 PM]
That's two!



[1:44 PM]
They reiterate the plot again, because "Treasure Hunt for Magic Balls" is a hard concept to wrap your head around
[1:45 PM]
And James Marsman also finds another one; so they're tied 2 each
Roshi agrees to train Goku in better special moves at a secret martial arts temple, but there's a karate tournament going on there right now and Chi Chi is competing



[1:53 PM]
She wins and someone gives off a Wilhelm Scream



[1:54 PM]
Goku is doing Lukes Jedi training
[1:55 PM]
Bulma is doing her best Linda Hamilton
[1:56 PM]
Yamcha appears and etorts them
[1:57 PM]
Instead of paying Yamcha to let them out of a hole they fell into, they decide to camp down there and Chow Yun Fat tells them the same story we've been told several times already
[1:58 PM]
Yamcha is also having fun, but plainly not as much as CYF
[1:59 PM]
Luckily, the hole everyone was stuck in was right on top of another Dragon Ball
[2:00 PM]
Piccolo travels by zepplin and that is so weird
[2:01 PM]
[enthralling music plays]
[2:01 PM]
James Marsman uses his blood to make a GOOP MONSTER
[2:01 PM]
Now everyone is at a volcano?
[2:02 PM]
Yamcha gets hit in the nards by volcanic steam several times
[2:02 PM]
Oh Yamcha
[2:02 PM]
And Volcano monsters
[2:03 PM]
Presumably the same monsters Piccolo just made, but I didn't get a good look at them before, or now
[2:04 PM]
Falling into lava is treated as a single fatal flaw in the monsters defense
[2:05 PM]
Goku has the clever idea of building a bridge across the lava field of the volcano by chopping the monsters int pieces and chucking them into the pool to act like stepping stones
[2:05 PM]
Goku is a complete psychopath
[2:06 PM]
This plan works but Mai appears and a fight breaks out
[2:07 PM]
And Goku knocks her into the lava
[2:07 PM]
By Mai!
[2:08 PM]
Oh, no, she fakes her death and is fine
[2:08 PM]
...
[2:08 PM]
ERNIE HUDSON?!?!



[2:09 PM]
ERNIE HUDSON IS IN THIS?!?!?!



[2:09 PM]
WHAT?!?!?!?
WHY IS WINSTON ZEDDEMORE TEACHING MASTER ROSHI HOW TO FIGHT?!?!?



[2:09 PM]
WHAT?!??!!
This is genuinely the most buckwild movie cameo I've ever seen



[2:11 PM]
Roshi gets a macguffin unrelated to the other Macguffins from ERNIE FRIGGIN' HUDSON, while everyone else goes to Chi Chis martial arts tournament



[2:12 PM]
Chi Chi is flirting with Goku quite a lot and he is not picking up on it. So that's another thing they got right
I'm liking dirtbag surfer dude Yamcha, I admit



[2:14 PM]
Chow Yun Fat is teaching Goku the Kamehameha



[2:14 PM]
But... it's red
C'mon guys



[2:16 PM]
Chi Chi attempts to provoke Goku to learn the Kamehameha by offering a smooch if he can do it
Oh no, Chi Chi wasn't romancin' Goku, she was robbing him!



[2:20 PM]
Two Chichis



[2:21 PM]
I guess Mai is a shapeshifter?



[2:22 PM]
Mai shoots Goku and CYF starts reviving him by throwing Hadoukens
[2:22 PM]
Besides exploding villains and lightning Torches, the Kamehameha is also a defribulator
[2:24 PM]
Given how many times they've explained the plot in this movie, you;d think they'd have pointed out how exactly Piccolo came to get free f his prison
[2:26 PM]
Roshi tries to blow up Piccolo with a Kamehameha, Piccolo shoots his flying car out of the air
[2:26 PM]
Yamcha has a flying car
[2:26 PM]
This was not releevant before now, I guess
[2:26 PM]
Goku finally puts on his orange gi



[2:27 PM]
Piccolo mentions that Goku is Oozaru



[2:27 PM]
And Goku is SHAKEN by this
[2:28 PM]
And transforming into Oozaru basically looks like him struggling to poop
[2:28 PM]
This plot point makes little sense
[2:29 PM]
But now everyone is fighting a were ape, so okay
[2:29 PM]
Yamcha decides to sacrifice himself fighting Oozaru
[2:29 PM]
He's done absolutely no growing up on his journey
[2:30 PM]
Up until this moment
[2:31 PM]
But Chow Yun Fats tragic death at the bad CG fists of a bad CG ape inspires Goku to stop being a gorilla-man
[2:31 PM]
And also Mai and Bulma get into a fight, because they're the two girl characters



[2:32 PM]
And now Goku and Piccolo fight, mainly with a lot of jump cuts and CG lasers
[2:35 PM]
And more bad CG and Goku explodes Piccolo in a really underwhelming fight
[2:36 PM]
And the gang decides to use the Dragonballs to resurrect Chow Yun Fat, since they don't need him to kill Piccolo anymore
[2:39 PM]
And having blown up a space monster real bad and brought a horny Chow Yun Fat back to life, Goku tracks down Chichi and smooches the heck out of her



[2:40 PM]
And immediately afterward they immediately get into a fistfight because they can't stand not knowing which of them is the better fighter



[2:40 PM]
Which is the only ending I would accept.
[2:40 PM]
MOVIE OVER
[2:40 PM]
LESSONS LEARNED
[2:40 PM]
WE HAVE ALL GROWN RICHER FOR THE EXPERIENCE



[2:41 PM]
And apparently there's a post-credit scene



[2:42 PM]
Japanese lady makes a gross stew for someone she's nursing back to health



[2:42 PM]
Dramatic music sting; it's Piccolo



[2:42 PM]
....kay

 

[Dracula]

where's our dragon ball cinematic universe

 

[Daikaiju]

In Japan

 

[Octopus Prime]

I have legit never been more surprised by a cameo than I have by Ernie Hudson in Dragonball

 

[Octopus Prime]

IT'S ZILLA VERSUS 'RILLA!

​

OKAY@
CORN POPPED@
Tasty Gatorade Procured
PURPOSEFUL GRIMACE READY!

Can't wait to revisit all my favorite human characters from these movies;
Bryan Cranston, Samuel L Jackson, Millie Bobby Brown and Ken Watanabe
Oh... Kong is... in the Truman Show

The plot seems to be that everyone says "Look, we know we're in a movie called Kong vs. Godzilla, they're probably going to fight"

Oh, Millie actually IS in this one
The credit sequences in these movies is worth the price of admission
Hero Podcaster
Blowigin the whistle on Evil Cyborg Company
Charles Dance isn't in this, according to IMDB
BAH!
Evil Company has Spooky Lighting inside
They are incredibly clear about being Evil
Zillas got glowy eyes
That ain't normal!
Oh, the evil company has a big glowing robot eyeball
CNN is covering the fact that it's weird that Godzilla is busting up stuff
And Kyle Chandler, continuing to be... you know... *there

And now a treasure hunt to find... THE SUN OF THE HOLLOW EARTH!
And now besides a fight between Godzilla and King Kong, we also have a remake of The Core

This movies got it all
You'd think the lighting would be better in a scene where everyone is speaking with ASL
Everyone is real quick to turn against the nuclear dinosaur who saved the planet twice
Well, one of those was more of "saving most of LA" but still
And I guess Ghidorah DID destroy a massive chunk of North and South America

The Hollow Earth is protected by REVERSE GRAVITY
I... don't really know what that means
But this is a Godzilla Movie, so y'know
They keep mentioning the proper name for their Hollow Earth travelling machines. To sell toys, I assume

Kong getting riled up in the rain
When it's dark
Presumably so that the CG looks better
Kong can use sign language!
So now it's Congo, too!

Teens have given themselves the task to help a podcaster bring down Evil Cyborg Company
MBB is... completely on board with Hero Podcaster, even though he's very bonkers
Don't stare MBB in the eye; It never works well for anybody
Hero Podcaster carries whisky in a gun holster
Kong eats fish by the fistfull
Just like in all my fanfiction!
Deaf Kid and Mom of Deaf Kid talk about how Kong knows ASL and didn't tell anyone
Oh! Looks like Godzilla is going to fight Kong in this movie called Godzilla vs. Kong!
DNO'T YOU SHOOT MISSILES AT MY PRECIOUS NUCLEAR BABY!

YEAH! MESS 'EM UP, ZILLA!
SHORYUKEN!

Kong is off his chain
This fight scene is everything I wanted out of a movie called Godzilla vs. Kong

SLOW MO JUMO AWAY FROM AN EXPLOSION!
FROM A GIANT GORILLA!
HELL YES!
500/10!

The Navy realizes that Godzilla is really hard to kill, so they decide to play dead and hope he leaves
And Zilla is a gracious winner so he accepts "boats turned off their engines" as meaning "Time to take a break"
"I don;t think we should trust this guy because he says crazy stuff all the time, and carries a bottle of whisky like a gun"
Even the evil cyber company keeps up its SInister Lighting even in their secret sub basement
Oh and besides Evil Lightning and Computer Eyeballs, Cyber Comany also has Kaiju eggs
UH OH!
Kong travels by helicopter to the South Pole
Kong is used to a bug and dinosaur infested tropical jungle, I'm sure he doesn't like the South Pole

Monarch has custom labels on their water bottles
The Gravity Inversion!
Still don't know what the hell that is!

I mean, it's the STar Tunnel form 2001, but otherwise

Oh, it's The Hollow Earth
Which is... really cool looking and upside down

That's what Gravity Inversion will get you;

A jungle in the sky

A Quetzecoatl!

Kong really is not acquitting himself well against 'zards
Oh man, I love Monster World
Inspirational music as a giant gorilla gracefully floats through the air
Just like I see every time I close my eyes and go to sleep
Back to 11, Nervous Kid and Podcaster
In Spooky Lighting Cyber Comapny
Lit entirely by neon signs
ANd they land in a garage
for some kind of... mechanical godzilla?!?!

Oh the spooky computer eye from earlier was actually a giant spooky eye for a computer

"That's a ROBOT GODZILLA?!?!" "No... it's Mechagodzilla" Thanks kid
Really like the design of Mecha G
Kind of a middle ground between Metal Gear, a Terminator and... well... Godzilla
Complements Thicc Godzillas design
Turns out the whole quest for the SUN OF THE HOLLOW EARTH was just to find a power source for Mecha Godzilla so that it can kill and replace FLESH Godzilla because the Evil Cyber COmpnay is, in fact bad
And the Sun of the Hollow Earth is... umm... The place where the final boss in a JRPG hangs out, but before the end of the game

Really the whole movie is the Ballad of John Henry
Except with Nuclear Dinosaurs fighting gorillas
Which is definitely something most Americana lacks

And the skull of Ghidorah is being used as an organic super computer
Because it's impossible to pilot Mechagodilla without a psychic uplink to another Kiaju

YES!

YES!
MORE SKULL PUTERS!

Kong (made King by his own hand) gets off his throne when his axe starts glowing with magical brick-a-brack

And it lights up a mural of Godzilla

Who is now in Hong Kong looking to explode his robot knock-off

Apex Cybernetics is ALL IN on toyetic merchandising

Our heroes finally realize that the evil company they're working for is BAD
Lukcily, they have a giant gorilla on their side

Gross Bird Kaiju

They attack Our Heroes but OOPS, Godzilla blasting STRAIGHT DOWN with his laser breath has reached THE EARTHS CORE!

THIS MOVIE!
IS!

INCREDIBLE!


MBB is now in a Metal Gear game

Kong has his Enchanted Axe

Zilla has.. the fact that he's Godzilla

MONSTER THROWDOWN!

Does Hong Kong really have this many neon lit buildings, or is it just to make this fight look SICK AS HELL?

AXE IS LASER PROOF!

Kong don't LIKE em, but he's also laser resistant
This is the Blorangest movie ever

Kong wins the rematch, thanks to Laser Axe

Evil Corporate Boss recognizes MBB
Presumably he watched Stranger Things
ROUND 3
Just waiting for Kong to say Martha
BATTLE DAMAGE
Zilla is kicked in the nards!
Nowwwww KISS
Aww

[12:06 PM]
So much unresolved tension
Zilla wins, 2 out of 3
But OH NO
Bad CEO has gotten his hands on HIDDEN SUN energy and it overcharged Mechagodzilla
Powered by a giant skull

OH HERE COMES A BIG BOY!
Emerging from a Giant Pyramid?!?!

A NEW CHALLENGER HAS INTERUPTED THE TOURNAMENT!
Kid Hacker attempts to take down the skull powered giant robot zillas
The Heroes (who I don't think got names) use one of the Hollow Earth spaceships as a defribulator to restart Kongs heart
Oh, Kyle CHandler, hello again

BEAM WAR!
King Kong learns to get over his irrational hatred of Godzillas in favor of his newfound hatred of Robots
Hacker Kid literally has no idea how to hack
I love it
TEAM UP!
BUDDIES UNITE!
HAND OF FRIENDSHIP VERSUS EVIL ROBOTS!
And a Secret Sun Powered Magic Axe!
And a kid spilling whisky in the computer that pwoers the SKULLPUTER
FATALITY!
Zilla and Kong face each other down one more time
Kong Throws down his axe, and Zilla walks off to the sea
I was expecting a handshake
Or the end to Rocky 3
Kong has reolcated to the Hollow Earth to live with his friends; the giant lizards
And Zilla reigns supreme on Earth as the true King of the Monsters