Let's Play Money Making Game (Zelda: Second Quest)

Not that it makes it right, but that's what Wikipedia and Zeldawiki says (citation needed, naturally)

I just got home and pulled out the book:

TEN TEN is Takashi Tezuka, a game-designing badass who has worked with Miyamoto on most of the main-line Mario and Zelda games.

KONCHAN is Koji Kondo, of course.

See, that actually makes sense to me and my very basic knowledge of Japanese.

I feel terrible about leaving all y'all with nothing while I see how many hearts the old men will steal from me, so in the mean time, here you go, a little bit of post-game I whipped up:

And so, The Legend of The Dude draws to its close. It was a perilous journey into the depths of madness, and the peak of achievement. It was a quest of craven cowardice and stalwart bravery. “What Happened Next?” You ask, well…



The Dude:
Having twice now saved the country from the darkest forces, The Dude returns to his original passion: Killing monsters in the process of filming nature documentaries. His next special “Gibdos in the Mist”, informing the people of the diminishing monster population, was a mild hit.

It should be noted that The Dude is personally and directly responsible for the diminishing monster population.



Zelda:

Zelda resumed her life of being the face of the Hyrule royalty. Since Hyrule is a democracy, this amounted to her making celebrity appearances on game shows, grand openings at malls and having tabloid pictures taken.



Ganon:

Ganon resumed being dead.



The Old Woman

The Old Woman resumed her life of selling medication without looking at the actual prescriptions. She was fired shortly afterward.



Somewhat Younger Man:
The Somewhat Younger Man reopened his shop, complained about his own pricing and generally shooed away his customers. His life is precious and little.




The Old Man:

Hyrules various elderly men returned to their homes, hiding under bushes, in caves and under ruins, being generally pretty unhelpful to anyone who comes across them. But different bushes, caves and ruins then the ones you saw earlier. Reportedly, the neighborhood kids were walking over their lawn and taunting their cats.

Sadly, despite his skill with documenting nature, The Dudes artistic skill is wildly inconsistent. Never the less, here’s his report on the flora and fauna of Hyrule:

Hinterland Who’s Who:


Primarily found in forests and coastal regions, the Sedimentary Octopoda, or Octorok, as it is known, is a territorial herbivore. As a unique defense mechanism, the Octorok is capable of launch loose gravel and dirt at high speeds towards any potential enemies. The blue colored varieties tend to possess slightly thicker skin which aids in warding off predators.



The Peahat is an unusually breed of highly ambulatory flower found in regions all over Hyrule. When moving, the Peahat is completely impervious to all forms of attack. Unfortunately for the Peahat, it does need to stop moving occasionally in order to absorb nutrients from the ground. Creatures who prey upon the Peahat use the moment of immobility to strike the soft fruit underbelly.



The Quadriplegic Salticidae, or Tektite, is a breed of spider which only possesses 4 legs. As a result of its missing limbs, the Tektite possesses fantastic jumping ability. Often found in mountainous regions, the Tektite has little in terms of defense mechanisms, preferring to using its high speed to dodge enemies.

The freshwater Zola (not to be confused with the more intelligent and benign Zora) is an aquatic carnivore, capable of stunning its prey with burst of highly concentrated light and flame. The Zola possesses fantastic regenerative powers, capable of healing any non-fatal injury, so long as it fully submerges its body for a few seconds. The few creatures which prey on the Zola make it a point to kill it with a single strike.


Leevers are a predatory species of Cactus, capable of tunneling through the earth. Commonly found in deserts and on beaches, Leevers have also been known to show in certain mountain ranges. The stamen of the Leever is covered with a series of razor-sharp thorns which assist in warding off predators and catching prey. Both Blue and Red species of Leever have been documented, though the only difference is the durability of the plant itself.



The Moblin is a semi-intelligent species of goblin, often mixed with either pig or dog. Moblins are exclusively found in the forests of East and West Hyrule, preferring to hunt down their food with crudely made bows and spears. Poorly equipped hikers and travelers may in a bit of trouble when dealing with a pack of Moblins, but any who are prepared for a hike in Hyrules forests should have little problem.


Possibly the most dangerous of Hyrules Above-Ground monsters, the Lynel lives in remote mountain regions, especially scenic Death Mountain. If there has been any reported sightings of a Lynel in the area you’re staying, you should leave immediately. Lynel’s are a breed of horse with a human-like-upper torso and extremely well protected skin. Many are intelligent enough to use weapons such as swords. Lynels have been known to attack humans on sight.


Spirits of the restless Dead, Ghinis (or Poes, as they are sometimes called), are the undead shades brought forth by disturbing a grave. There is usually with a single Ghini patrolling on its own, prior to any awakening any others. An interesting fact about Ghini is that even if there is a swarm of them nearby, if the original is destroyed, all the awakened ones will perish as well. Due to their small habitat, and tendency to die en masse, The Ghini is now considered an endangered species.


Magically animated statues, the Armos guard various sites in the Northern areas of Hyrule, frequently as guardians for some hidden passage or treasure. The Armos will remain completely inert until an intruder is detected nearby, at which point it will spring to life and begin blindly attacking anything nearby. Due to the unpredictable nature of the magic used, some Armos move very quickly, others very slow.

Epilogue
As per the request of Sirs Reel and Brick, I have decided to call The Dude out of retirement for one more adventure/experiment. An Experimenture, if you will. He shall journey back into the murky mire of the Second Quest to find out what would happen if he took the worse choice from each of the Old Men who demand your money or your life.

Since this experimenture revolves around flinging myself into the dungeons with a maximum of 3 hearts at the request of two, clearly sadomasochistic, individuals, I will be making a concession and doing something against the very nature of a Lets Play: I will be abusing the HELL out of Save-States to keep my sanity intact, rather then using them as a convenient way to stop and resume playing without relying on the actual save-screen..

That said, as it turns out, I only used them for one mini-boss. Still.


And thusly, the curious and more-then-slightly terrified The Dude once more enters Hyrule, totally unequipped for anything. He knows the drill by now and heads off for some Wood Lasers


And, again, The Old Man is happy to oblige with some Laser-y Wooden Goodness. The Dude hoists it high, and due to a spectacularly unlucky moment with the F12 key, a picture is taken of the sword being thrust into the Old Man. C’est la vie.

…Lasery Wooden Goodness would be a good band name. I should try to remember that.


A small amount of research reminds The Dude that the Old Men who rob him are in Levels 4 and 7. Level 4 requires the Power Bracelet to enter, and Level 7 requires a Blue Candle to enter, they also require a Whistle and Ladder, respectively, to advance anywhere in.

Since A Power Bracelet and Whistle are easier to get then a Candle and Ladder (and the Ladder requires a Whistle anyway), the Dude decides to clear out Level 4 first. His first goal: The Power Bracelet.


Naturally, Death Mountain is a bit of a pain to reach when you have to go around the long way.



Oh yes, I had forgotten about that.

Well, a half-dead hero with a Wooden Sword and no Sub-Weapons should be able to handle a couple of horsies, right?


Ha ha ha, no.


After a couple of attempts, The Dude finally passes the Graveyard and is rewarded with 30 Rupee’s courtesy of a Moblin paying for protection.

And naturally The Dude gets smashed into a fine paste before getting within two screens of the Bracelet.


Well, The Dude revived right next to a shop anyway, might as well buy the Candle.

The Dude’s Wallet was completely tapped out, since he has carte blanche to abuse Time Manipulation on his experimenture, The Dude decides to use his power responsibly.



Naturally, he first decides to responsibly his power at the Gambling Parlor.

It should be noted that whichever Rupee is the winning one is chosen at random when you enter the Cave, not when you pick the Rupee.

Anyhow, The Dude continues to cheat the lottery until his Wallet is full to over-flowing.



And Lo’ for The Dude did buy a Blue Ring.

And Lo’ again, for the Dude didst find a whistle, for double-defense did make the Second Dungeon a cake-walk. A cake-walk in the tea-park.


And ye, for there is not a picture of him picking it up, but the Dude did get the Power Bracelet, but there is a picture of the Bracelet in his inventory.

The Dude is now ready to enter Level 4, and meet the easiest of the Old Men to reach. Only after he starts does The Dude realize that if he has a hard time reaching the Easiest Old Man, then he has no chance in hell of getting to the other ones.

The Dude openly cusses at the Heavens that he was sent on an experimenture.





And Lo, for The Dude ambles on into Level 4, fully aware that he will most likely die. And indeed, he does, for he was in no shape to fight a Digdogger like that.

The Dude knows when he’s beat, and so he goes and gets the only remaining upgrades he’s allowed:


SHIELDS!



RED STUFF!

And so, The Dude did return to Level 4, with higher defense, and a chance to refill his small amount of hearts twice. And again using his Time Powers, and the fact that when he’s hiding in a doorway, nothing can hurt him, The Dude was able to destroy Digdogger!



See? The room is empty! The Dude does verily saunter to the Left.


And then the North, thanking Farore that nobody closed that door.

Right now, making good use of the two keys he had previously.


With a full-complement of Hearts and a Magic Shield, Aquamentus proves to be little challenge.


The Dude heads north, through a foggy room full of foggy monsters passiong through a foggy wall.


“Can’tTalk,OldMan” hurriedly explains The Dude, “I’mDoingAMostCertainlyLethalExperimentForSCIENCE. NoTimeForSewing.”

The Old Man looked down with sad eyes, and remained in his empty, featureless room.


“Oh man, I bet those are Darknuts, I’m going to leave before they finish appearing”


Gels and Spike-Traps, nothing exciting. The Dude is running full-bore now.


DON’T HURT EM DUDE! JUST RUN!


UP, UP, UP! BLOW THE WALL DOWN!



“Well, I’ve made a pretty tidy living here, robbing people of Rupee’s in place of stealing their organs. Maybe I can retire now. Get a nice little cave out in the desert somewhere.” Mutters the Old Man to himself, “I don’t even know why I give people the option, I wouldn’t really want a heart, even if it was freely off-”
The Old Man was cut short as a massive explosion tore down the wall in front of him

“Oh, Hello The Dude, Pleasure meeting you again.”
“THERE YOU ARE! God, I’ve been running all through this damn dungeon trying to find you!”
“Oh? You… wanted to give me more money?”
“No, I’m doing an Experimenture, I want to see what the minimum numbers of hearts I can have is.”
“Oh, well… I’m kind of done with the whole robbery thing. You can just leave if you like”
“Stop being such a baby and chop my heart out!”



And here we have it. When you only have 3 Hearts and you lose one, your health gets totally emptied.

Well, The Dude, how do you feel?
“I… feel kind of… ill.”
Well, what were your feelings on the Experimenture?
“I… I’m going to go… lie down… now, I’m having a… hard time with… balance”
Yes, well, you did just have a major organ removed, that’s to be expected. Do us a favor though, see what happens when a monster brushes against you in your Only-Mostly-Dead state?
“Man…you… suck…”
Don’t I though?

And there you have it, in such a critical state of health, even though he was walking around, a single touch from even a lowly Keese was fatal to The Dude.

And That, Boys and Girls, is what the minimum numbers of Hearts is. It’s 3.

For a brief moment, he was the walking dead.

So you're going to beat the game in this state, next, right?

>:[

I don't want to see this game again for a long, long time.

You guys are assholes!

I love it.




Nicely done, Octopus Man. You have made us all proud.

NOW DO IT STANDING ON YOUR HEAD

*cracks whip*

Come on, guys, how many people knew that you could reduce link to a shambling, undead zombie? I think a round of applause is in order.

*golf clap*

Holy mother of god, that's awesome.

I do have one serious (but still ass-holey) request: Can you actually heal yourself back after becoming Zombie Link?

And more important: If you have no hearts left, and encounter the second old man who steals your hearts, what happens? (I bet nothing)

EDIT: Um, don't feel like you HAVE to do this. I wouldn't want to be the one who'd kill Zelda games forever for you.

Awww, I don't want to make you hate Zelda, I was just joking.

Or was I?

D'aww, hugs all around.

Myth... Busted!

Is there anything (and I mean anything) in LoZ that you haven't done in this LP?

Words fail me. Go on vacation or something; you've earned it.

That was pretty hardcore. Good job.