LET'S STREAM 8 HUMONGOUS GAMES - Are You Not Edutained?!

Nope.

SPY FOX IN: DRY CEREAL 02

X-RAYS AND FORGERIES
HIGHLY TRAINED CRACK SUPPORT TEAM
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which we confirm that the cow dude should really be dead already, and take turns annoying a jackass on the docks and a jackass at the kiosk until Fanboy finally breaks down and relays Magflare's instructions to me.

I'm not very good at adventure game puzzles.

FanboyMaster: I can't let Magflare teach BEAT how to finish the puzzles. He has to solve them for himself.
BEAT: No. Fuck that. Let me know dude.
FanboyMaster: No. No. You have to solve Puzzles.
BEAT: Fuck that! This is a fucking stream that I'm putting on Talking Time. I want to actually you know make progress.

SPY FOX IN: DRY CEREAL 03

IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO
WALTZ PARTNERS
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which Spy Fox crashes a party, steals a waltz, Trades for a Tango and gets acquainted with Russian Blue, who just might be too HOTTT for our hero to handle!

I also find a fake slot machine and spend what feels like an eternity proving that I shouldn't be allowed to gamble. Which leads nicely into our next episode...

BEAT: I'm hot! This machine's Hot. Goddammit! So close!
FanboyMaster: Why is there a slot machine built into the controls of the boat?
BEAT: I don't have an addictive personality! You have an addictive personality.

SPY FOX IN: DRY SEEDY SPECIAL

CASINO ROYALE
Card Counters
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which Spy Fox plays a high stakes game of cards with a known crime lord in order to get to the bottom of the conspira- fuck it.

It's fucking go fish.

SMILER: Do you know how to play go fish?
BEAT: Yeah! You... say things!
FanboyMaster: *Mad Laughter*
BEAT:Things like got any twos or got any nines! but I ain't got any twos or nines!

ALSO ALSO: When I get home from all the crap I'm doing today, I'm gonna try and finish off SPY FOX.

This will of course be done live on my hitbox. Same as always.

http://www.hitbox.tv/BEATHATESALL

If you show up I'll be like Haha awesome! I'll also bump this thread and tweet and everything else when I actually do it.

IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW.
http://www.hitbox.tv/beathatesall

SPY FOX IN: DRY CEREAL 04

THE TERRIBLE LIFE OF WALTER WIRELESS
BUGS
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which Spy Fox dances with a saucy cat, then subjects a fellow agent to horrifying discrimination just because he's short.

That's actually what happens.

I'm not making this shit up.

BEAT: He's like "well, you know, it's a living."
FanboyMaster: It's not a living, he's just going to die!
BEAT: It's something like a living. It's a little like a living.
Smiler: It's literally a living.

SPY FOX IN: DRY CEREAL 05

A LITTLE DRAINED
SNAPPY TURTLES
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which spy fox gets the password from his informant, returns to HQ to replace some items, and faces off against his greatest challenge yet: A movement timing puzzle.

And then I absolutely lose my shit.

BEAT: Go. Go. Go. WHAT NO FUCK YOU!

SPY FOX IN: DRY CEREAL 06

THIS IS A SNEAKING MISSION
SNAPPY TURTLES
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which spy fox makes his way into the den of evil, tricks the gaurds by preying on their greed, and shuts down the milky weapon of destruction! Victory is assured!

OR IS IT?!

Smiler: Oh, you're playing half life now.

SPY FOX IN: DRY CEREAL 07

LAST CHAPTER AND WORST
RESCUED MOOS
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

Double-length finale! In which Spy fox rescues the cows, inflintrate's billy the Kidd's blimp, and saves the day!

Also plays hunt for Red October, GB edition on an emulator on his spy watch.

Spy fox is kind of a total prick you guys.

NEXT TIME: DARKNESS, IMPRISONING ME, ALL THAT I SEE, ABSOLUTE HORROR.

Oh man, Pajama Sam is next. Pajama Sam you guys

I'm gonna try and get all of these posted before the end of 2014! Start the new year off CLEAN you know what I'm sayin?!

PAJAMA SAM IN NO NEED TO HIDE WHEN IT'S DARK OUTSIDE 01

WE DON'T KNOW, WE'RE TREES
TITANS OF THE WOODS
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which Pajama Sam gets afraid of the darkness that lives within his closet! But he won't get bossed around by fear of an ephemeral concept! No! Sam straps on his hero gear and sets out to FUCKING END Darkness.

Unfortunately he gets stopped by some trees.

All the trees in this game are total pricks.

FanboyMaster: Okay this guy's on something but I can't decide what it is.
BEAT: Wow that eyeball. Was this intended to give kids nightmares? Is the moral of the story don't ever go in the closet?
FanboyMaster: The moral of the story is don't associate with trees on drugs.

PAJAMA SAM IN NO NEED TO HIDE WHEN IT'S DARK OUTSIDE 02

COWARD BOAT
BOURGEOIS TREES
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which Pajama Sam aces three-quarters of a quiz, convince a boat that he will not die the moment he enters the water, convinces some racist trees (total pricks btw) that he is one of their own, and meets a carrot that worships the works of Karl Marx.

Not kidding on that last one.

That carrot is so fucking punchable.

BEAT: My prejudice does not excuse their prejudice.
Patito:Those are some bourgeois lookin trees.
BEAT: Those trees are privileged as fuck.

PAJAMA SAM IN NO NEED TO HIDE WHEN IT'S DARK OUTSIDE 03

MEET KING
THE CARROT TROOPS
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which PJ Sam rescues hippie carrot's friends from the fridge, then befriends King, a Minecart with a bad attitude.

Then He breaks kings pickaxe and steals some gold. he didn't even need the gold. It's just used to play stupid Tic-Tac-Toe.

I fear the lessons this teaches the children.

MagFlare (read by Smiler): Pajama Sam 5 - I ain't lying, it's difficult to confront the concept of dying.
BEAT: [Mad laughter] that's absolutely beautiful.

PAJAMA SAM IN NO NEED TO HIDE WHEN IT'S DARK OUTSIDE 04

THE LIGHT IN THE OUTHOUSE
HANDS WITH NO OWNERS
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which PJ Slam Finds a doorknob, and uses it to open the mysterious outhouse by the river, thus regaining his flashlight!

And then progress comes to a terrible screeching halt as we've ran out of obvious things to do. We know we need to get the lunchbox out of the river, we know we need a magnet to pull it off, but how to GET to the magnet is absolutely beyond us.

Smiler: It's like Majora's Mask

PAJAMA SAM IN NO NEED TO HIDE WHEN IT'S DARK OUTSPECIAL

MINE CART MADNESS
COGS IN A GRIM MACHINE
FanBoyMaster - Smiler - Patito

While the last two SPECIAL EPISODES were to showcase some of the weirder portions of their respective games, this one exists as a testament to how vast, confusing, and ultimately pointless the minecart segments are. We run around in the deep depths trying to find a secret entrance into darkness's abode, and accomplishing nothing. If you skip one episode, make it this one.

That said we did find a weird variant of snake, the old cell-phone game.

That's kind of alright I guess.

FanboyMaster: We weren't prepared for this open world.
Smiler: Yeah it's the Dark Souls of children's adventure games.
RebleFire (read by FanboyMaster): The children's game is winning.
BEAT: It's not winning, it just hasn't lost yet.

PAJAMA SAM IN NO NEED TO HIDE WHEN IT'S DARK OUTSIDE 05

THE DARKNESS VANQUISHED
CONCERNED PARENTS
Patito - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which Pajama Sam finally gets his hands on a magnet, allowing him to obtain his lunchbox, the last tool he needs to charge headlong into his climactic battle against darkness itself!

FanboyMaster: Watch out darkness, I have a lunchbox
Smiler: Yeah, now it's time to just murder the shit out of the concept of the absence of light.
FanboyMaster: I'm pretty sure that's how Phantasy Star ends as well.

NEXT TIME: I BROUGHT MY POGO STICK JUST TO SHOW HER A TRICK, SHE HAD SO MANY FRIENDS

But BEAT, what happens if you get 100% sock completion? Do you get to destroy all the trees? This is important.

PUTT PUTT & PEP'S DOG ON A STICK

THEY LINED UP DOUBLE QUICK BUT JUST ONE POGO STICK
ALL PLAYERS WITH NO NAMES
Smiler - Brentai - Patito - FanboyMaster - Stush

In which pep finds a pogo stick at the dump and celebrates by jumping from pillar to pillar in increasingly unsafe situations. Also I guess Putt Putt is a helicopter now? Whatever.

This game is a clunky variation of Q*BERT, only played with the mouse and having nothing to do with jumping on every square. Okay so it's only kinda like Q*Bert.

BEAT: OH SHIT! OH SHIT! Pep didn't deserve that.

NEXT TIME: WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA GLUB

FREDDI FISH & LUTHER'S MAZE MADNESS

OH MY GOD LUTHER
MAZE HAZARDS
Stush - Smiler - Brentai - Patito - FanboyMaster

In which Luther, in clear defiance of Freddi's orders manages to throw away all the kelp seeds that we just spent an entire goddamn game collecting! All of them!

Just. Way to fuck it up Luther. Way to fuck it up.

Also I become unhealthily obsessed with seeing the 4th tile set.

This game is a pretty clear rip-off of PAC-MAN, only much slower, with much fewer dots, ninja tricks in place of death and a nonsensical bonus game

Stush: Does this game end with Freddi putting a pillow over luther's face?
FanboyMaster: Oh, so it's Silent Fish 2?
Stush: I was gonna say "Of Fish and Men".
FanboyMaster: No, that would be shooting him in the face.

NEXT TIME: EXCITING CHASE SCENES?

God, if only.

SPY FOX IN CHEESE CHASE

3 FAST 5 FURIOUS
PIT CREW
Patito - Brentai - Stush - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which Spy Fox chases down the cat burglar Russian blue after her brazen daylight robbery of a cheese museum. So obviously we'd finally get to drive that awesome spy car with all the insane gadgets he had in his adventure game, right?

Haha no.

It's a fucking moped.

This game appears to be at least partially inspired by SPY HUNTER, but the gameplay doesn't really match up that well what with no shooting and no trailers. Fanboy suggests it might actually be DEATH RACE but I've never played it so I got no idea.

BEAT: If there's any of these got rule 34'd I'm sure it's this one because it features a cat lady.
FanboyMaster: It's actually just Krystal.
BEAT: Krystal's a Fox... but I'm not even going to try and argue that one.

NEXT TIME: SAIL AWAYYYYYYY...

PAJAMA SAM'S LOST AND FOUND

MAGICAL CANOE ADVENTURE
PIECES OF THE BONUS PUZZLE
Patito - Brentai - Stush - FanboyMaster - Smiler

In which Pajama Sam jumps his boat down a river to... clean his room? Somehow? Also there are bonus games like memory and quickly click the thing and not-pipe-dream? Okay wow they really pulled out the stops for the last huzzah.

Unlike all the other Jr Arcade games in the pack, this one doesn't seem to be a ripoff of any existing video game! The confusing poor controls and unclear end goal is all completely original! How about that!

FanboyMaster: There's a poor terrified caretaker at this nursing home that just every few nights has to check Pajama Sam's frickin closet cuz he's just like, taken a dump in there again.

NEXT TIME: HAHAHA FUCK YOU.

EPILOGUE BONUS POST!
SO WERE THESE GAMES ACTUALLY ANY GOOD?
In spite of the fact that these videos are 99% me bitterly bitching about having to play these things? Honestly yeah, they kinda are!

I don't typically like adventure games as I'm much more about twitchy action and have little patience for weird nonsensical puzzles. That said the puzzles on display here only rarely slipped into that "total bullshit" realm that so many adventure games exist in, and they never stayed there for long. I think all four of the adventure games played through here did an admirable job creating a good experience for their intended age groups. Age groups I'm obviously VERY far outside of, but I would recommend these to any parents without a moment's hesitation. On the whole, they're fun, wholesome experiences that encourage thinking instead of total brain shutdown.

The arcade games on the other hand are about as much as you can hope for when you try to make arcade style action games using ScummVM. That is to say they're total garbage. You'd be much better off giving your kid the actual Pac-Man Q*Bert or Spy Hunter.

CREDITS:
SKYPE BROS:
Smiler: He forked over 3.99 to make this happen! Just like he did with bad rats! He remains the sole funder of my suffering. I should get a Pateron.
FanboyMaster: Keeps me humble by never failing to remind me that a smart person wouldn't have done whatever I just did!
Patito: The calm voice of reason!
Nodal: Actually recognizes the absurdity of it all!
Stush: Brings that sexy Australian Accent that drives the ladies wild!
Kayin: For whenever things need to get absolutely disgusting!
Brentai: Just peeked into the abyss while the others stared for days!

NON-SKYPE BROS:
Magflare: His lines steal the show even when he doesn't voice them!
GCrusher: For always giving me props on twitter!
Rebelfire: Fantastic Christmas Carol Chops!
aturtledoesbite: Captures it better!
Red Silvers: Those horrible beautiful eyes... that horrible beautiful smile...
Sprite: His enthusiasm for PJ Sam was absolutely infectious!
Kalir: Demanding that sick Star Fox knowledge!
Trar: Walks the path of illumination!
Bongo Bill: "the word is née"

AND FINALLY...
YOU: Yes you! Thank you for reading my dumb posts or watching my dumb videos. I'm overjoyed by the fact that I'm apparently able to make people happy just by shooting the shit with friends and playing video games badly. I hope I can continue to bring a smile to as many faces as possible with this weird hobby I've latched onto.

I'm sure I would have loved this games when I was a kid. Alone that you can interact with nearly everything is a very nice touch. But seeing them now, as an adult, for the first time, the worlds are really bizarre. I wonder if my reaction is the same as our parents had, when we tried to explain something like a Mario game. My favourite little part was probably in Pajama Sam, when the boat finally stopped being afraid of the water, and as soon as it wasn't watching anymore, the piece of wood stopped floating.

Your treatment of this games was wonderful and often hilarious. Please never stop doing what you are doing, BEAT.

Thanks man! I'm glad you enjoyed them!

I love how the climax of Pajama Sam is just a cluster of nonsense, even for a game filled with nonsense. Like, you'd think Sam would play shadow puppets or something, a game you can play with darkness in real life, but nope. He plays off-brand tic tac toe with the personification of the absence of light.

"Do you like to play cheese and crackers?"
"Do I?! I played it with a toaster in the park!"
Not gonna lie, I'm kind of tempted to buy the Pajama Sam Complete Pack in the Steam Sale after watching you play it.

That was pretty edutaining, BEAT.

...

OK, it was far more entertaining than it was educational but I am way outside of the age range for those games.

Also, I have to ask - BEAT, do you not have a short-term memory?

The little Shot of him in your closet staring at your sleeping form and winking is equal parts hilarious and horrifying.
It's less zero memory, and more unwillingness to pay attention to details that it wants me to remember, meaning I have no idea what to do when they come up again.

Also yes my short term memory is terrible.