...and in the Darkness, blind them! LOTR4SNESBLP

Guild · #1 07-04-2013, 01:35 PM

Preamble: This LP is probably going to have a lot of cursing. There might be a moment when I decide, yep, that's it, I'm done making LPs forever. I explored the medium and had my fun, but now it's over and I'll always be able to say I completed two other mediocre LPs. I'll die reasonably happy and this thread will be abandoned. Maybe I am dead already and you're reading this 100 years after it was posted. Know, oh feathered one, that I did this not for the fans (of which we can reasonably expect there to be few enough) nor for the game itself (this game was voted as my next LP specifically because it's purportedly awful) but for the pixels. That's right, I love pixel art and I'm not ashamed any more. This game has awful pixel art, by the way, so really most of this paragraph is literal nonsense. I'm going to do my usual cheat-filled still image presentation, running the game blind with the option to check a FAQ if I become stuck for more than 1 hour (a fallback used exactly twice in Lagoon and never in Dragon View) and if the music and gameplay suck too much I'll mute the game and play Coldplay albums instead. Enjoy! Or don't. In fact, I can't recommend reading any more of this thread than you have already; this thread may cause mental or physical instability.

Update the First part One: In which we talk to Gandalf and many excellent and admirable hobbits on my uncle's eleventy-first birthday and day of his departure from the Shire.


Pippin, do you remember our great adventure together? Remember it was my 33rd birthday, and also my uncle's eleventy-firsty bir- cringe Please don't fold the pages like that, Pippin. The printing press won't be invented for another hundred years or so, and these books are irreplacable! Ah yes, my uncle's infamous ring. Oh the hours I spent rubbing it between index and forefinger, high as a kite off Sauron's willpower... Did you know, dear Pippin, that when a person touches the ring it re-sizes by magic to fit their index finger exactly? The person who wears the ring becomes a conduit of Sauron's gaze, allowing him to see you no matter where you are or what you're doing. When I knew both of those things, I tried several times to fit it onto my cock. It was a natural progression. Because fuck Sauron.

Guild · #2 07-04-2013, 01:48 PM

Update the First part Two: In which Bilbo says good bye to us and Gandalf departs to head off a wraith, but we don't know that yet.


Yes, the ring. Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring ring. Ring. Cocks. Like a fool I thanked him, Pippin. I thanked the old man, still high from his inheritance and now also off Sauron's willpower. It was only a short time before I'd be experimenting with psychadelic mushrooms and eventually even harder drugs. I guess it's easier to blame one's environment than oneself though.

Guild · #3 07-04-2013, 02:17 PM

Update the First part Three: In which we mash buttons, decimate wolves, rescue Pippin and discover we are going to hate every minute of this immensely.


At this point the title screen appears and I explore some of the options. We can change the sound from stereo to mono or disable sound effects and music. There is also a large password entry screen requiring 32965 billion character entries. It seems that pressing Y brings up our name as well as some numbers. Health? Dunno. I also cant find a menu button. Pressing B apparently uses an item, but doing so now only pops up a message that we have nothing equipped at this time. I resolve to talk to everyone in the Shire. Our friends miss you, Pippin. We all do. I think I miss you most of all. If I could turn back the clock I'd never have taken you with me. Walking speed is slow, by the way. We move about 1/3 as fast as this wolf. I rewind every time I'm hit, but soon even that becomes unnecessary as I become adjusted to the timing of our swing. Our first encounter with an enemy is hard. Attacking with the sword is the A button and X is some kind of dodge or block, maybe. It takes a little getting used to the slow controls; Frodo's dagger moves like he's trapped in a gelatinous cube of jell-o, necessitating swinging it well before the wolf is even close and hoping he won't change direction at the last minute and waste the attack. A difficult battle! AHH NOOOPE! This situation leads me to discover that every wolf has a range it won't leave. Exploiting it, I eventually manage to kill all three of these clustered bastards. Pip, when I found you there in the northern field you were staring at a wall. You were afraid (and ever a bit dim). So I killed all 12 of the wolves with my dagger. I became a man that day. I can't say I became a hobbit. Our kind don't value bravery. Pippin follows us and attacks if an enemy gets close, but he gets lost easily. Luckily, transitioning screens resets him to right beside us. We visit the Shire's only prostitute before leaving again, now headed west. This field is full of wolves, snakes and cave entrances. I count five entrances.

aturtledoesbite · #4 07-04-2013, 02:25 PM

wait what is this how do you have button controls?

my rom requires use of the mouse.

what.

Guild · #5 07-04-2013, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aturtledoesbite

wait what is this how do you have button controls?

my rom requires use of the mouse.

what.

what.

uhh... does it look like this game? i don't use/need/want a mouse at all! maybe it's a converted rom? i got mine off coolroms...

aturtledoesbite · #6 07-04-2013, 03:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guild

what.

uhh... does it look like this game? i don't use/need/want a mouse at all! maybe it's a converted rom? i got mine off coolroms...

It is this game exactly, aside from controls. No, you do not want a mouse at all. Trust me on that one, the mouse controls are horrible. As for it being converted somehow, that may be. It, along with a majority of my SNES ROM collection, came from my high school's computers.

Looking it up, apparently the mouse is an optional accessory that's compatible with the game, and for some reason, my copy of ZSNES defaults to it in the first controller port when pulling up the game. *shrug*

Guild · #7 07-04-2013, 03:07 PM

Update the First part Four: In which we start exploring caves, find two daggers and a cloak, and discover the menu screen by accident. Also snakes and bats.


Snakes are still until we approach, but they die in one hit. They move slower than the wolves but still faster than Frodo. Three of the cave entrances, and also I've noticed our numbers beside our name have gone up. I confirm that they are HP by intentionally taking a hit from a wolf then rewinding. Good old Henry Jones was there. We used to make fun of his silly name. Remember Pip? Back when we were young, so long ago in the Shire. It seems we can't change our equipment manually and instead it's all done automatically. No need to sell old equipment? I can get behind that, actually! So far I hate this, but it's only about half as strongly as I hated Lagoon. Frodo's movement speed is mitigated nicely by setting fast-forward to R2 on my Logitech gamepad. I take us into a few more caves but never explore any of them fully. Pippin keeps getting harassed by bats, but they fly in straight lines and he's clearly an idiot. I found him staring for hours at a wall, his back turned to a field full of wolves, you may recall. You told me of your adventures as a young child and I felt a tinge of jealousy. It's not easy being the nephew of a hobbit infamously and scandalously courageous. One must maintain appearances. I was glad, though, to be a bit older and realize the problem with stereotypes. There we were, soaked in wolf's blood, high on ring and soon psychadelics, wearing the 'armor' of some long dead hobbit hobo and exploring caves together. It was enough. It was enough. Finding the mushroom reminds me there's a B button function that tries to use an item. When smashing it does nothing with the shroom, I press select for the 9th time at least, but this time it works! Logitech controllers: for when you only have two bucks at a flea market. It seems Pippin's life is in mortal peril! We can also look at our backpack full of drugs.

Guild · #8 07-04-2013, 03:15 PM

Update the First part Five: In which Pippin finally succumbs to his wounds, or does he?


I try to put on the ring, but Frodo's willpower proves he was well chosen by Gandalf for this dangerous task. Oh no! A bat mauls Pip's face off and he turns into a pile of bleached bones. I could rewind a bit, try to give him the mushroom or perhaps go back to the Shire to heal? Voting time! Does Pippin live or die? >He lives. -Teaspoon, Googleshng- >He dies. -aturtledoesbite-

Guild · #9 07-04-2013, 03:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aturtledoesbite

It is this game exactly, aside from controls. No, you do not want a mouse at all. Trust me on that one, the mouse controls are horrible. As for it being converted somehow, that may be. It, along with a majority of my SNES ROM collection, came from my high school's computers.

Looking it up, apparently the mouse is an optional accessory that's compatible with the game, and for some reason, my copy of ZSNES defaults to it in the first controller port when pulling up the game. *shrug*

this game's pretty bad, but in order for it to reach Lagoon levels of bad I think I might have to put switching to mouse control up for a vote later

frodo's sword has a decent range, actually - attacks that look like they are going to miss usually hit, though i have no idea if enemies with weapons are going to have similar range... that might be really awful

aturtledoesbite · #10 07-04-2013, 03:58 PM

Bah! At least he took a warrior's death! Would you deny the brave hobbit passage into Valhalla?

Death, I say! Death!

Teaspoon · #11 07-04-2013, 04:04 PM

Aw, c'mon, you can't kill Pippin until you get Merry. Now if you somehow manage to kill Pippin and Merry simultaneously that's a different proposition.

Googleshng · #12 07-04-2013, 07:09 PM

Not sure why Guild is suddenly on this kick of LPing all the worst SNES action/RPGs, but my main memory of this one is how amazing the pathfinding for your allies was.

They have step 1 down: If there is an obstacle in my way, turn to the side to go around it.

They forgot step 2: Once past the object, turn back to catch up with everyone.

You clip a hobbit with a tree, and they go off on a magical journey.

So obviously, you should go for the maximum party size, increasing your misery via maximum idiot shepherding.

Guild · #13 07-05-2013, 12:19 AM

Update the Second part One: In which Frodo finally leaves Hobbiton and Sam finally leaves Hobbiton.


Pippin rewinds to life and we heal him up on shrooms. I explore each of the seven caves. Most of them are interconnected into a massive boring confusing mess. A guy in one of the independent caves wants a fern. We find another mushroom, but this does not increase the number of mushrooms we have. It seems that once we have a mushroom in our backpack Frodo and his friends automatically eat any more that are picked up. And so we have just one mushroom which heals both Pippin and Frodo for 4 measly HP. At one point we find a cave with a green goblin (orc?) inside. He respawns every time we leave and re-enter, and next to him is a fern which also respawns. Ferns heal more than mushrooms, but I'm not positive how much yet. Naturally I spend a few minutes leveling Pippin so he will be less squishy. Pippin has the battle sense of a cow pie and will occasionally get stuck whiffing at the enemy, stabbing above or below him. At one point, both Pippin AND the goblin (orc?) are doing this, which is what is happening in the third image there. They're just standing there attacking the breathing space they share. Ah Pip, some nights when I am sitting here alone with my thoughts, the smell of the wood fire and fresh biscuits with tea comforting me, I'll pick up your skull off my mahogany desk and gaze into the empty sockets and wonder where the years have gone. Aha! Sam told us he was looking for these glasses and now we've got them. Great. I don't know what these gems are for yet, but now we have two. Ladies and gentlemen and smizmars, I'm ashamed to present Sam "Where the hell is Sam" Gangee. Sam identically mimics everything Frodo does. Effectively this makes him a worse ally than Pippin, who at least has a small chance of eventually rejoining us when a small rock invariably causes him to peel off to look for a Denny's or whatever. When Sam gets stuck the most expedient thing is typically to leave him behind and hope for a screen transition. The best strategy for keeping him nearby is to ram him into a wall and sandwich his sprite on top of Frodo's creating a deadly double-hobbit. Suffice to say there are a lot of reasons to hate Sam, this game and myself at this point. At first the graphics are nice, but then you realize that the creators conflated repetition with content after passing the same identical wolf/tree/snake/pond layout for the ninth time in a row. I hate this game so much you guys. This game is really really really bad. It's getting worse exponentially with each new party member, like a cat herding simulator dressed up with RPG elements and beloved fiction in order to sap my will to live.

Guild · #14 07-05-2013, 01:03 AM

Update the Second part Two: In which we trade items and save a farm from marauders, cross a river and find a tent village of smelly hippies.


I have no idea what this advice is trying to tell us as we are in a forest and there are wolves everywhere, and walking along the side, down the middle or wherever makes no difference, but luckily we're probably about 5 levels overleveled by now, and somehow Pippin and Sam stay alive long enough for us to locate all the forest mushrooms. Eventually I try slamming Frodo into every screen edge hoping to find an exit to this endlessly repeating hell, and arbitrarily it happens to work in one specific spot. We arrive on a 'farm' where goblins (orcs?) are attacking... well, nobody, while an old woman watches from her rocking chair. My friends and I just saved your farm from creatures twice our size trained from birth for combat. We'll take your shitty oar by force if you add one more stupid item to this trade chain. Don't use your prostitute speak on me, the ferry man still won't let us go! Why? The? Fuck? Not? Ok so first I had to equip the letter, then use it while standing on top of his sprite, then switch to the oar and repeat. The fact that we're already doing fetch quest trade chains doesn't bode well for the future at all... On the opposite bank of Brandywine at last, we find a squad of representatives from the Elven kingdom, sent by the Acorn King himself. Elves distinguish themselves from other creatures by grafting bows into their right hands. They differentiate themselves from each other by wearing neon sweatshirts in fully saturated colors. You know, to help blend in with the forest and whatever. Merry joins us. This event is so disquieting that my brain deems it unworthy of even a screencap and forces me to forget to press spacebar. Don't fret, you'll see plenty of him and Pippin wandering aimlessly at the corners of any screens they can manage to squeeze appearing in into their busy schedules doing nothing at all ever. Two of the elves saying some shit. I think talking to people might be a losing strategy in this game. I'm counting seven items I'm now expected to find after having just two conversations. Kill me.

Guild · #15 07-05-2013, 01:44 AM

Update the Second part Three: In which my addled brain decides it might be a good idea to offer to make this even harder for reasons nobody can fathom, and also some elf sprites.


Nothing to say. Nothing. I defended you, my dearest Pippin, when others of the Shire called you racist. Elf-hating is not in vogue, but gossip absolutely always was here in Hobbiton. I defended you because they weren't there. They didn't know what we'd seen, what we'd been through. I never really hated the elves as you seemed to, though, but I suppose pity's just as sinful a vice. I rob them of responsibility, you nail them to a cross with it. We always were two sides of a coin. As of this update here, I officially hate this a little more than Lagoon. Well done turtle and Mogri, you more than met my challenge. See, in Lagoon, there came a point where the badness of the game was suddenly contrasted by the only redeeming feature: magic. This game appears to have no such redeeming feature, and I've plateaued at maximum dislike. Something should change here. I don't care what. I just need something different to happen, so... Should the game get more or less fun? >Switch to mouse-based controls for an update. >Kill Sam, Pip and Merry to make life vastly easier.

aturtledoesbite · #16 07-05-2013, 02:33 AM

Well. Let's look at our choices, shall we?

1) Mouse controls. A fate I would not wish upon the Devil himself. There is no sin great enough for this punishment to be justified.

2) Solo hobbit. wait what you expect us to vote for something good

Of these, my choice is extremely clear. Either a fate worse than an eternity in Hell, or a beneficial vote. Clearly, I must go with mouse controls.

Teaspoon · #17 07-05-2013, 09:22 AM

Look, you can go back to keyboard controls, but you can't unkill your friendly neighbourhood hobbits.

So for the purposes of science we need at least one mouse update. Maybe not more than that.

Guild · #18 07-05-2013, 12:33 PM

NOOOO KEEP IT LOCKED

DAMN YOUuuu

there is no escape for me........

Guild · #19 07-05-2013, 01:05 PM

oh wow

wow wow this

i need a new word for hate

i flurb this game so much you guys

Falselogic · #20 07-05-2013, 01:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guild

oh wow

wow wow this

i need a new word for hate

The word you are looking for is GAMEGENIE!

Guild · #21 07-05-2013, 01:09 PM

I GAMEGENIE the hell out of this game. I GAMEGENIE it so hard!

But I refuese to use a Game Genie.

but this is so flurbing gamegenie

Beowulf · #22 07-05-2013, 05:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aturtledoesbite

Looking it up, apparently the mouse is an optional accessory that's compatible with the game, and for some reason, my copy of ZSNES defaults to it in the first controller port when pulling up the game. *shrug*

The SNES mouse was an experiment of Nintendo's, like the Super Scope, that never really took off. The only game I ever found the mouse useful for was the one it came packaged with--Mario Paint. (Of course, there were only a handful of other US-released games it was compatible with, typically as an afterthought, and they were all either crap like this or strategy games which I generally avoid.)

I think I still have mine, though; it should be in the cabinet with the rest of my SNES accessories.

Guild · #23 07-05-2013, 06:06 PM

Update the Third part One: In which everyone loses, the vote's made up and the points don't matter, and the game becomes utterly unplayable, yet still I persist.


We find a note in the forest and I think little of it for a few seconds, but then suddenly our hobbits are harder to find than usual. I look at the menu and discover that two of them are missing! What the bleep?! It was a dark time. I knew I'd never see you again, Pip. You probably thought I'd miss Sam more, but Sam was ever a tag-along, a sycophant and a dweeb. He was reliable, that's true, and I enjoyed having someone around who worshiped the ground I walked on, but being objectified leads one to seek honesty and even mockery. I missed Sam, but I grieved for your absence more. This treant asshole ate three hobbits and then mocked us. What a shit game! On the upside, I'm finally free! No more herding cats! On the downside, the mouse is Absolutely Unusable. It takes me a while to even figure out how to attack. Left clicking while the mouse pointer is a ring changes it into an arrow, and Frodo walks toward the spot clicked (but only in up, down, left or right directions, never diagonally, which is its own kind of hell in combat). We can right-click to switch the ring pointer into a page from a book. Left clicking with the book pointer activated opens the menu. In order to attack, the ring pointer must be activated and then we must right click. If we aren't right clicking exactly on an enemy, instead the cursor switches. The game is now practically unplayable and we're taking hits all over the forest. Wolves are now completely unkillable as we have to be able to right-click on one while it's in range, meaning by the time it's in range it's already mauling us. We find a book. Goblins (orcs?) are still killable because they stop and swing their swords, giving us the chance to take 5 or fewer hits adjusting Frodo's stance so that he can actually attack. It's no longer worth our time or resources to fight them, however. I find a new area, this one shrouded in the most annoying fog ever, and the area's full of more caves. Inside a cave we're confronted by what I assume is a Ring Wraith, so I hightail it out of there post haste as several NPCs and a letter we've previously read state that Ring Wraiths are immune to all damage and very dangerous. Some other shit happens. It's boring. This whole game is boring, unplayable and awful and I hate it. why am I doing this foooooor

Guild · #24 07-05-2013, 07:10 PM

Update the Third part Two: In which you know what nothing fucking happens. It's an endless sea of nothing and shit.


We find a key and are given a second one. I can't find anything to do in either the gigantic forest nor the second cave maze called the Barrows. In that third image there you can see the results of all the mouse-based exploring I've had to do; for the first time since starting the game our health is halfway gone. I switch back to a gamepad after an angel of the lord comes upon me and commands me to do it lest my soul be utterly crushed. We start finding a lot of gold. How much you wanna bet we've got to collect all 100 pieces or whatever? I'll bet you 100 ounces of gold. Lost, angry and lost, I take us back to the Barrows and discover that no, these enemies are not actually ring wraiths but are in fact mere ghosts. They take two hits to kill, so we level Frodo a bit on them until they take just 1 hit to kill. Our drug backpack is starting to fill up with lots of things that aren't drugs, like keys, gems and amulets, notes and gold. I'm going to try to trade them all for more drugs at some point. More stuff happens. Ghosts are swarming us but we're Frodo, Who Fights With A Barrow Dagger and Doesn't Give a Fuck. They disapparate before our blade by the dozen. It's at this point I discover that leaving and reentering an area respawns the bags of gold just like how mushrooms respawn. Alright! Something to do! I grind us up some tasty precious metal, killing a ghost in the room a bunch of times as well. This entire area/update is empty of any interest whatsoever, and I'm sorry to be sharing them, but I can't justify spending 3 hours in this hellhole and having nothing to show for it. If an entire hour goes by without something new happening, it's gonna be FAQ'oclock.

Guild · #25 07-05-2013, 07:28 PM

Update the Third part Three: In which Pippin, Merry and Sam are freed from the tree and I decide to throw my computer out a window.


An hour goes by where nothing new happens. I break down and crack a FAQ. A search for Old Man Willow informs me I'm supposed to be getting our friends back. Fuck. Showing the note to Tom is a thing I probably never would have thought to do. Tom lets the others out of the tree, I assume by forcing it to vomit somehow? It's not really made clear what Tom did exactly, but they're burped up one at a time, sure enough. But you weren't dead, Pip! I was relieved. It was a foreshadowing of things to come, and later I wondered if I should have just left you in that tree to starve. It would have been a blessing I'm sure. Inarticulately angry, I smash some buttons and all the hobbits except Frodo abruptly attack simultaneously. Intrigued, I experiment around until I discover that by holding the R button I can control my allies in lock-step, making them move as an organized unit and attack simultaneously. That's... actually sorta cool. I also discover that pressing L and R together brings up a password screen. So now you can play along, reader, if you're feeling masochistic. Our stats now. Sam doesn't seem to be getting any kills. I wish I could unlock him from shadow mode. He's a major weak link in our party because he's always off stabbing a tree while Frodo stabs enemies. I resolve to try to level him a bit more. That's the whole update, so I guess it's reader interaction time: I can either quit this LP and never play this game again or continue updating. Making any kind of a post at all counts as a 'keep going' vote, and it only takes 1 such vote to make me finish this god awful game. That's right, you have the baseball and I'm on the dunk tank. In summary, if nobody posts in this thread for let's say... three hours, I'll abandon this LP and move on to something else. Something exciting like counting cars or watching paint dry on growing grass.

Falselogic · #26 07-05-2013, 07:36 PM

I hate abandoned LPs.

Don't start games you don't intend to finish!

aturtledoesbite · #27 07-05-2013, 07:41 PM

You are going to finish this game and you are going to like it, mister!

EDIT: Hell, I'll even throw you a bone here. I vote for your next game to be ActRaiser. Despite your expectations, I found it fairly not bad.

Sarisa · #28 07-05-2013, 07:54 PM

This thread needs more cursing. May the level designers never find work in the industry again until they play through their own levels with the mouse, twice!

Guild · #29 07-05-2013, 07:58 PM

I'll try to step up the cussing, Sarisa.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aturtledoesbite

You are going to finish this game and you are going to like it, mister!

EDIT: Hell, I'll even throw you a bone here. I vote for your next game to be ActRaiser. Despite your expectations, I found it fairly not bad.

I really liked ActRaiser! I was thinking of doing Brain Lord if it wasn't already done, or maybe this other game I've played before but never beat and can't remember the name of: You play as a kid who has to open fast food franchises on various planets in order to fight off an alien race of green goop monsters. If I can find that I'll be doing it next barring a better suggestion.

Also you guys are sadists! All y'all are sadists. You are hereby invited to my sex dungeon.

Torzelbaum · #30 07-05-2013, 08:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sarisa

This thread needs more cursing. May the level designers never find work in the industry again until they play through their own levels with the mouse, twice!

Flurb those guys right in the GAMEGENIE!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Guild

Also you guys are sadists! All y'all are sadists. You are hereby invited to my sex dungeon.

Will you be the only masochist there?