Dark Lord rules! Let's play Sword of Mana!

Is the jumping in this game as wonky as it looks or is that just a result of using an emulator & keyboard?

Well... In theory, you could also put your hand in a wood-chipper. But I wouldn't recommend either of those courses of action. (I think the wood-chipper would be the better option.)

I would say the same as it feels to be a prostitute but they actually make people happy.

Finally, I feel really bad for Kalir. Is there a way we can send him some hard liquor or powerful narcotics? I think he deserves something for "playing" through this game.

At one point I thought Kalir was making the rest of us look bad with how fast he was finishing this thing. Then as he got further in I remembered just how awful this remake is, and I realized he was going for the "rip the band-aid off quickly" method to keep the pain to a minimum. You would think he'd quit while he's ahead, but I guess he wants to showcase some more suffering...

Take some time off after this and play something you really enjoy. Too much Sword of Mana is a great way to make yourself hate video games in general.

And my least favorite change from FFA:

At the end of FFA, GIRL becomes the Mana Tree, and after that, the world is fucked, because there aren't any more Mana Clan members left to be the seed if something happens to GIRL.

In Surge of Mango, Willy gonna get banging.

Congrats on finishing! It's weird; I played this game a ton when it first came out, but I barely remembered anything as I followed this LP. The things that stuck with me the most were the weapon material names, oddly enough. Baobab wood!

I'm almost tempted to grab my cart and start a new game. It's sitting right over there, in its box, with my other GBA games! But after reading all of this, I'm pretty sure I know better.

Wasn't the next one in the series somehow even worse?

If it was Children of Mana, I liked it. It was just a blatant Diablo clone with Mana series elements, but that was what I wanted at the time. Granted, I never finished it.

EDIT: Oh god. Sword o' Mana has a 72 metacritic score. It is generally required for you to finish a game before you can professionally review it, right?

No, I think I was thinking of Dawn of Mana.

Oh yeah, that was atrocious. The, "Please stop trying to innovate," kind of bad. They made a poorly implemented physics engine a major element of combat.

Congrats on finishing the LP, Kalir! Hopefully your next one will be of a game that's actually good. Or at least competently designed and not obtuse as fuck about 90% of its content.

Kalir, you should LP FFA next.

No, I'm not continuing any further. I just like putting that Next Time thing after every update, including the ending. Put the straitjacket down.

So I gave this game to a friend for her birthday a long time ago.

This LP has made me realize I'm a very bad friend.

She hasn't yet collapsed into a pile of incoherence, so perhaps she never played it. I can only hope.


Thanks for the LP, Kalir. It's been fun.

Hey Kalir.

I've got an idea.

Something to cleanse the palette.

You, me, and some other hip dude get together and we video LP Secret of Mana.

That's nice of you to offer, but I think I'd much rather steer clear of Mana in general for a while now. also I find Secret of Mana really slow and clunky but I mean no offense

Aww, come on. I'm talking about GOOD Mana.

This made me laugh much harder than it should have.

I'll admit, this LP irked me a little because (warning: admission of questionable taste) I loved this game. Played through it six times (three as each character) over the course of a couple of years trying to Find All The Things. I thought it was a clever remake of a game I'd totally loved, and I'm nowhere near as hardcore as Mogri or Aesma and like fairly easy games.

(Heck, after this I bought Magical Starsign because it had also been made by Brownie Brown. It was cute but flawed; I enjoyed it but probably won't replay it.)

Don't get me wrong, I think Kalir did a good job with this and provided a very entertaining LP, but I think some of the hate and suffering involved is overblown.

I wanted to love this game. And I did, a little, despite all of its shortcomings.

But there's no denying that there are some questionable design decisions here.

Oh, I'm totally not denying that it had issues. Tempering is borked, the class system is too opaque, the sidequests are often far too missable (or frustrating--I only did the Glittering Items set once, and only bothered getting multiple spirits when playing a class that could use their special attack) and in general, the game could have used another month or two of playtesting and editing. But I found it easy to ignore all that and still have a lot of fun with it.

For what it's worth, I do like the basic playing part of the game. But, well, all these problems with it are way more interesting than saying what I do like.

I just checked back on this thread to see the endgame, and...Wow. Wow. Wow.

I am very glad my two attempts at playing through Sword of Mana died out after pounding down green hair bishonen Dark Lord, because the game did get stupider than it already was. I really wanted to like the game, but all it does is try and fail to mimic superior Mana games. Especially Legend of Mana; Sword's story is just too rigidly linear for its crafting system and Lil' Cactus diaries and seeing the warbly visuals look so much like it and having actual characters from it (Niccolo, Dudbears, Lil' Cactus, that tree that grows stuff) is just insulting in this vastly inferior package. I'm glad I got Legend of Mana on my PSP.

Anyway, Final Fantasy Adventure may have problems of its own, but I definitely prefer it to its remake.

Or maybe, just maybe, she enjoyed it.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Hansel. Born to a noble family, and studying music under the peaceful and wise Lord Granz, Hansel had everything he could ever want. However, Hansel's peaceful life took a turn for the disastrous when the up-and-coming political firebrand and military juggernaut, Dark Lord, tore through his home in search of a young girl named Gretel, killing Hansel's parents in the process. Hansel led Gretel to safety, but was shortly after captured by Dark Lord's elite guard.

Hansel's life of luxury quickly gave way to a slew of brutal gladiatorial matches, as he was sent in, day after day, to fight tooth and nail with ferocious monsters, such as the vicious jackal, to earn food, to say nothing of his own life. Misery loves company, however, and even in such a dark place he made many friends: among them Willy, the survivor of Dark Lord's attack on the Mana village, and Amanda, a spirited and kind girl captured and sold to the gladiator pits.

One day, Willy hatched a plan, and invited Hansel to join in. Following another match, the two made their way out of the castle, but were separated when Dark Lord appeared as if from nowhere and struck Hansel down, sending him flying off of the bridge outside Granz Castle and into a river, where as luck would have it, he was saved by a wandering niccolo merchant near the village of Topple.

Hansel's story only becomes more spectacular from there, as he seeks out Gretel, swears vengeance against Dark Lord, and puts an end to the superficial posturing that threatens all of Granz Realm, not to mention the power of Mana itself, from the shadows. Truly, it is a story worthy of praise alongside the greatest sagas of our time.



DICKKS' tale isn't quite that entertaining. April Fools', though I don't know if you are the fools, or I am.

So. Sword of Mana has two playable characters. For the most part, the game writers assumed that players would choose the male protagonist first, because he's the male protagonist. This flawed assumption led to the heroine's plotline having a mishmash of mendacious nonsense, which differs from the mendacious nonsense offered in the hero's plotline. There isn't enough to warrant a full playthrough of the game a second time, but there IS an area that is, normally, exclusive to only one character or the other in their playthrough, where the sickle and knucks weapons, plus the Gnome spirit, are obtained.

That's what we're doing here. I consider it only fitting to have DICKKS go through the side area that he can access, as while Gretel COULD have reached his area, she'd have no reason to do so from the plot. Also, as you probably can guess by now, Gretel herself is absent from this story: taking her place is SKANKZ.



Our game starts just after DICKKS punches SKANKZ in the gut and runs out of the Wendel Cathedral after two old men called him a wanna-be.



And this is also where Dark Lord attacks.



I wonder how they know SKANKZ is in here. I'll just assume spies in the city.



He recognizes DICKKS, at least.



DICKKS is good at learning.



Dark Lord promptly chumps him again.



He is also terrible at job offers.



DICKKS tells him to piss off, but his reference is cut short by Julius magicking him clean through the cathedral entry.



No. None of this was necessary.



Anyway that leads into the scene where the Moon Mirror breaks and SKANKZ gets knocked out and DICKKS generally bungles everything so let's skip past where Dark Lord kicks him into a wall.



Welcome to Devius' inn room!



Again with the fist-pounding animation, last seen when Hansel killed Medusa because he hates senile people.



Bogard immediately proves himself a massive hypocrite.



Lester leaves and Bogard fills DICKKS in on the situation.



Bogard's brilliant plan at this stage is "annoy Cibba until he comes up with a brilliant plan".



Anyway, Devius doesn't hate us yet, and he provides DICKKS (and Hansel) a place to rest until he's recovered.



Note that despite Bogard saying "let's go talk to Cibba", the cathedral is locked until you go speak with Lester and Devius some more.



This is pure busywork.



It segues into what I'm sure the writers must have thought was a very poetic scene coming up, but only partially so.



After doing Devius' laundry, we go annoy Cibba.



Cibba yells at Bogard for being impatient.



He also tells us about the Moon Mirror revealing the possibility that Julius may be Vandole, which I don't think anyone cares about at this stage.



Anyway, as you recall from Gretel's playthrough, SKANKZ's Wisp leaves and goes to sabotage the reactor on the airship. DICKKS is kept abreast of her situation, because it's important to know what the other player character is up to at all times, don't you think?



Since it'll land at Westlake for repairs, we're told to get a move on, and then given a light spirit because why not. Since Gretel got the sickle in town for slashing damage, this part of the game is where the mechanical differences between the two characters start to fade.

So, Cibba's plan is as follows. Step 1: Send DICKKS through Gaia Cave to reach Westlake, conveniently forgetting that you need mythril to enter. Step 2: Send Bogard to backtrack through the entire midgame because he's a dick. Step 3: Send himself to a library to research the connection between Julius and Vandole, and then never impart his findings to anyone.



Ready... BREAK!



HAHA PSYCHE! GET CUTSCENED, CHUMP



Birds are in all of these scenes, therefore it's more symbolic and poetic.



Hey Willy. Have fun fighting jackals for the rest of your life.



Isabella and Dark Lord run into each other in a clearing, immediately sensing each other as they get close and then drawing weapons.



This is why they're together. Do you feel validated by this? I bet you do.



Okay NOW we get to play as DICKKS.

There's a few areas of gameplay here, but I basically blitz through all of them without paying much attention. Nevertheless, here's a video.



This guy here is Capo. He asks if we want our sword forged or our face, because he is a surly dude.



Be more polite, asshole!



DICKKS immediately relents and falls over himself trying to be apologetic.



You can actually go all the way up to Gaia Cave and try to enter only to find it sealed. That'd mean more backtracking across the Mushboom Forest than the game automatically mandates, though.



Capo tells us where to find it: at the other, completely different cave level.



The other dwarves don't have high opinions of our odds.



DICKKS tells them that he's trying to save SKANKZ, his dear friend, and he has to go through Gaia Cave to do it.



They still don't think we can swing it.



Capo has a bit more confidence in Watts, though. Good for him.

AND THEN DICKKS WENT TO THE ABANDONED MINE



You can't get in until you talk with the dwarves, I think.



As DICKKS gets closer to investigate, OH MY GOODNESS DUDBEARS.



And a dwarf!



Dudbears are good at navigation.



The Dudbears all break down sobbing at Watts' cruel whip, and their corrosive tears open up another passage.



They don't have a digging animation, you see.



Pretty straightforward compared to later cutscenes, all told.



Immediately after, the Dudbears prove themselves blitheringly incompetent and tunnel back through the front.

Eventually the clowns notice DICKKS just kind of standing there.



Watts starts monologuing that nobody would dare head to the "haunted" abandoned mine.



Eventually he dismisses DICKKS as a mirage.



DICKKS figures now is as good a time as any to introduce himself.



Hey guys let's see how long we can keep this joke going.



Again, we want mythril so we can get through Gaia Cave on what is presumably a very time-sensitive mission to save SKANKZ.



Eventually, Watts declares that we must be a mirage and that he does not believe we exist.



One of the Dudbears obliges his request.



Once DICKKS is confirmed as a non-mirage, he changes tune and celebrates that he'll have someone who isn't a Dudbear to listen to all his dad jokes.

Not that Watts is a dad, but I could totally see him making those jokes.



Yeah yeah whatever.



The terms are agreeable. We probably don't need that much mythril anyway.



Hooray a new teammate! Let's take him into the minecart dungeon!

Watts has an axe and is a dwarf, so according to Official Dragon Age Lore, he cannot use magic. This makes him one of the better companions because it's hard for an AI to screw that up.



Anyway, we burn through in record time and kill the Ankheg guarding the mythril, and the dudbears dig us out.



Haha you expect that to be explained? Clearly you've never played this game, DICKKS.



The game then takes us to the Dwarf Mine so we can meet up with Capo and backtrack through the Mushboom Forest again.



Watts boldly insists that he was in no need of rescuing because he is clearly the best dwarf in the game.



With the mythril the dwarves brought back, they can craft all kinds of cool weapons!

Note: I don't think you can actually make mythril weapons or armor with the smithing function. It's just a very fancy key.



DICKKS isn't too keen on being pals with weapons manufacturers that arm his enemies.



The dwarves don't seem to get why he would think being an arms dealer is a bad thing.



Well yeah. If you have a weapon, you kill people with it. That's what they do, that's what they're for.



However, because the dwarves are all shut-ins, they don't really know what happens with the weapons after they're out of their hands.



Yes, I'm pretty sure he is.



I'm more sure than DICKKS is. Stop being such a cabbage.



Watts attempts to be an intermediary, claiming that the dwarves, despite being accomplished at making weapons, don't really know how to use them. This is in stark contrast to all the monsters he saw fit to axe apart.



Same thing anyone else does.

You've got a hunch? Your parents got murdered by Dark Lord and you only have a hunch?



But yeah, this is all some convoluted metaphor that guns don't kill people, people kill people. Or something.



Either way, this impresses Watts enough to have him promise to make us an Ultra Sword.



When the rest of the dwarves call him out for promising the wandering swordsman we never did the sidequest for an Ultra Sword, he tells them all to can it because he makes weapons for who HE wants.



Figuring DICKKS is as good a person as any to entrust with an Ultra Sword (which, like mythril weapons, doesn't exist, and is just a euphemism for him living in your cactus).



The practical upshot of all this is that despite all the rigmarole regarding the Abandoned Mine and Mushboom Forest, DICKKS still gets access to weapon forging faster than Gretel did. We're not gonna use it though.

Instead we'll just beeline clean through Gaia Cave.



The second we make it through, we stumble on Cibba camping out with some Rabites.



The two scold each other for being lazy and wasting time. Which, if you recall, was because Cibba's plan necessitated a complete waste of time on DICKKS' part, and for his own part only involved being in a library, which begs the question of why he's out here by Westlake right now. Oh well.



Anyway, time to recount everything that we JUST saw.



Yes yes, you told them they were evil and they were all "no we're not also you totally just stabbed an Ankheg in the gut".



Maybe this is where the half-assed pacifism themes from Gretel's storyline were meant to take root. Oh well.



Anyway, Cibba is pleased with us building character, even if that meant wasting a few days while SKANKZ was liable to be taken all the way to Granz Castle.



But no, we're just in time.



Whuh?



Okay, sure. Cibba can commune with animals, including Rabites.

I wonder if he knows they're borrowing Granz's life force.



Yadda yadda yadda can we get back to playing now?



Thank you.

Cibba is a spriteswap of Gretel except with over a hundred HP and MP and comparably powerful stats everywhere else. You have him for all of five screens. Enjoy.



Anyway you all remember this scene, right? DICKKS and Cibba show up on the outside of the ship where SKANKZ is being tortured by Julius.



It all goes about the same. Cibba fires magic in, Julius retaliates and KOs him...



SKANKZ is happy to see us but then throws us the pendant because there's no way she can escape in her current condition...



And Julius magicblasts him off the airship.



DICKKS lands with a sickening crunch in the Menos Outskirts, breaking most of the bones in his body and dying on impact.



Amanda discovers her former friend shortly thereafter. Equal parts sorrowful and bewildered, she takes his body and buries him in a simple, but respectful, grave, just outside Menos. In doing so, she never realizes SKANKZ's pendant is with him, and this proves the perfect hiding place for it when Devius walks into town looking for it for whatever reason.

Shortly thereafter, Bogard and SKANKZ crash the airship in the Menos Outskirts themselves, and make their way to Menos. When they encounter Amanda, she tells them of DICKKS' grim fate, and there SKANKZ comes to a quick conclusion with the information gained from the airship: as long as nobody but the three of them know where the key to Mana Sanctuary is, they can easily foil Dark Lord and Julius' plans.

Not wishing to stay since Realm forces would likely conduct a more thorough search of Menos on their own, Bogard and SKANKZ flee, eventually making it to the far-off land of Ishe, where Selah provides them refuge. Dark Lord's armies still hunt down Mana worshippers, but without the key to Mana Sanctuary, their ultimate plans of slaying/banging the Mana Goddess bear no fruit. Frustrated, Julius attempts to break into the Mana Sanctuary without the pendant or SKANKZ, and is quickly killed himself by the Golem.

End result: the only person who had to die was DICKKS.

This is absolutely how Sword of Mana ends and I won't believe any mendacious nonsense any of you blokes tell me.

Next Time: Achievement Unlocked: Metaphor for the Atomic Bomb