The Return of Talking Time

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  #13531  
Old 01-09-2017, 04:46 PM
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You tell 'em, you beautiful Papist pottymouth.
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  #13532  
Old 01-09-2017, 05:13 PM
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Sailor is David Bowie btw. This was on his own fan forum.
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  #13533  
Old 01-10-2017, 03:29 AM
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Following a typically robust 'Cum hosepipe' ejaculation from Sir Alec Guinness, a bespattered Noel Coward exclaimed "My Goodness!...My Guinness...." this was overheard by a fellow Lyon's Corner House diner, Mr Jasper Clam , who scuttled back to his office at S H Benson's advertising agency and shouted "I've nailed the Guiness contract !! Listen to this ,guys : 'Guiness..Drink it and cum like a fucking geyser' ". Mr Clam's Idea's often needed slight finessing: 'Chill..have a wank' was a smidge away from the 'Keep Calm And Carry On' it became.
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  #13534  
Old 01-10-2017, 05:37 AM
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You've been a Taxi driver for the last few weeks. Pretty good, you know all the shortcuts, the best times of these wretched streets and junctions. You can take fleet street on a good 40, whatever the hell that means.

You're a bit chirpy, you take interest in your passengers. How's life? Bloody weather eh? You tell your passengers that you wish there were MORE immigrants if anything. You don't like to be typecast. You get a name as being a bit of a maverick. A cool cat amongst the pigeons. Even the rival taxi drivers are wary of you. A silent nod as you pass the ABC fleet street yellow cabs. Lowered eyes amongst the Black cab crew. Not so much of a beep as you pass down King street, as you roll past the 292 rank. You pass the lower district, your foggy headlights shining amongst the dagger-like rain. A thumb, a woman no less. Dressed all in black. Red lipstick. A black rose at her breast.

'You going to Orlean street?', she says in a husky voice (quite loudly to be honest, as all your windows are all up and she's still about thirty feet away down the road), you remain quiet and pull up alongside her. You wind down your window all cool. You then wind down the other window, the one closer to her.

'Wanna ride? I can take you to Orlean street, wherever the hell that is'.

She jumps in. You risk a glance at the rear view window (as is standard practice in all safe driving regulations and you insist she fastens her seatbelt, otherwise you'd be liable in court should anyone injure themselves in your vehicle). The coast is clear, no approaching vehicles who might be closer than they actually look. You take drive North.

'Mind if I smoke?', her cat like eyes flick over yours in the mirror.

'No, I'd rather you put it out, it's a no smoking vehicle'

She licks her lips and winks and lights up the cigarette, blowing out a puff of blue smoke. Her eyes like pools of shadow in the dancing light.

'Oi! I just told you to fucking put that cig out. Do you wanna get out the fucking cab? You'll cost me my job. OI... stop it... Stop smoking in my Cab!'

---


We zoom out. To reveal you've been sat in a cardboard box for two weeks. You're using a frozen pizza as a steering wheel and a banana for a gear stick. The smell of burnt plastic is emanating from the oven in the nearby kitchen. It's the real steering wheel melting in the oven. No sign of any passengers

LOUD KNOCKING AT THE DOOR. IT'S THE POLICE.
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  #13535  
Old 01-10-2017, 06:39 AM
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Would watch.

Alternate post: YELLOW cabs???!!!???
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  #13536  
Old 01-11-2017, 04:01 PM
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Gamers scandalized upon learning Resident Evil 4 has dynamic difficulty:

Quote:
i fucking hate this system so damn fucking much it is an abomination of mankind.
the challenge in videogames (and life) is not only about being good enough to overcome something but also to GROW enough to be able to overcome it.
if a videogame makes itself easier if you fail, how are you supposed to grow? this is not how mankind evolved ;D
it basically robs us of our deepest human essence. our unique feature that only we have. the only species on this planet that, given enough time, can overcome basically ANYTHING. even flying to another motherfucking planet in the universe.

fuck _ this _ game
Quote:
What was the point of this video?! I fucking don't like this. I pride myself at being a champion at res evil only to learn that I was probably aided by the game?! I just don't know why there's a VIDEO on this information to begin with and not just left in the magazine. Was it to discredit all who believed themselves legends and superiors, leaving this uploader as the only real deal?! I hate this video.
Quote:
So there's a chance that I'm not as good as I think?! I wish I never watched this video. I'm totally bummed right now. :(
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  #13537  
Old 01-11-2017, 04:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kishi View Post
Gamers scandalized upon learning Resident Evil 4 has dynamic difficulty:

Quote:
it basically robs us of our deepest human essence. our unique feature that only we have. the only species on this planet that, given enough time, can overcome basically ANYTHING. even flying to another motherfucking planet in the universe.
I KNEW there was a reason Capcom couldn't finish Mega Man Legends 3! It's because it took away our planet-hopping capacity!
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  #13538  
Old 01-11-2017, 07:48 PM
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"Legends and superiors."
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  #13539  
Old 01-12-2017, 09:04 AM
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The thing is that every game is designed to be beaten. Resident Evil 4 gives you ammo and health items so you can shoot enemies and heal injuries. Gamers see themselves as accomplishing something when they beat a game, but it's all a psychological trick.
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  #13540  
Old 01-12-2017, 11:36 AM
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Originally Posted by Adrenaline View Post
The thing is that every game is designed to be beaten. Resident Evil 4 gives you ammo and health items so you can shoot enemies and heal injuries. Gamers see themselves as accomplishing something when they beat a game, but it's all a psychological trick.
they see it as an "achievement," if you will
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  #13541  
Old 01-12-2017, 12:21 PM
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That's why I spend so much time trying to 100% modern Sonic games, because everyone sees them as broken, poorly-tuned, and unplayable
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  #13542  
Old 01-12-2017, 12:34 PM
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Hey, guys, I just discovered another danger of judging one's self-worth by how good one is at videogames! I'm just gonna sandwich it right between "unable to forge meaningful human relationships" and "dies on sofa underneath pile of pizza roll boxes."
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  #13543  
Old 01-12-2017, 01:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by muteKi View Post
That's why I spend so much time trying to 100% modern Sonic games, because everyone sees them as broken, poorly-tuned, and unplayable
watching the sa2b agdq speedrun and just nodding along. "yes, yes, this is how this game is. I unlocked green hill zone. Even a speedrun can't a-rank half these stages. what a fucking nightmare this game is"

EDIT: *extremely big the cat voice* "suffering is inherent to living. by seeking out and then triumphing over suffering we establish our dominance over the universe"

Last edited by muteKi; 01-12-2017 at 01:42 PM.
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  #13544  
Old 01-12-2017, 02:58 PM
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ok but listen, just as an extremely minor counterpoint. There are games that I would have less fun with if every time I failed I *without an option* played an easier version each time. I think we can acknowledge that sometimes having a challenge and getting better to beat it is fun, and that is cheapened/defeated by the challenge going away.
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  #13545  
Old 01-12-2017, 03:14 PM
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Sure. But at least in the case of RE4, you do have an option: Professional mode keeps the difficulty ratcheted up all the way through.
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  #13546  
Old 01-12-2017, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by teg View Post
they see it as an "achievement," if you will
I AM OHN, son of HAN, and I think these new practices of the kids are a waste of time! They gather to throw stones at things and write down ideas in books! "Scientists" say it improves their aim while hunting and makes learning easy, but I see what they are ACTUALLY doing there, they are ACTUALLY JUST sitting there doing NOTHING! All day! My meat goes into their greedy mouths and NOTHING comes from the huts, just 'books' and 'ideas' and 'aim practice competitions' and other nonsense words like SCIENTIST! I am done with all of you. You're ruining civilization and everything our ancestors stood for. Tell those kids to go out and hunt for a yack. Tell them to stop gathering and sharing ideas, it's a waste of time. The best ideas are the known ones, like how to skin a yack.

If I see one single book near my house I will bite someone.


sorry sorry
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  #13547  
Old 01-12-2017, 05:41 PM
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edit: you know what, I'm not going to break my cardinal rule of pretending I can't read guild posts after all
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  #13548  
Old 01-13-2017, 01:09 AM
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Originally Posted by teg View Post
doing a thing in a game doesn't actually make you better at that thing
*slowly, carefully, takes off troll hat*

I mostly agree with you, but I'd add a caveat that there are perhaps things the medium can teach that are NEW skills that will be useful by virtue of the medium itself being a new frontier in other categories. Consider that our brains have a very narrow bandwidth I/O, that being our five senses. It may be that new technologies will require skills that 'gamers' are currently 'training' for, such as developing a 'sixth' sense, such as virtual reality reflexes, visualization-communication, and the like.

No?

*pointedly wringing troll hat in clenched hands, nervously shifting and face-scratching*
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  #13549  
Old 01-13-2017, 07:32 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodal View Post
ok but listen, just as an extremely minor counterpoint. There are games that I would have less fun with if every time I failed I *without an option* played an easier version each time. I think we can acknowledge that sometimes having a challenge and getting better to beat it is fun, and that is cheapened/defeated by the challenge going away.
I understand not liking it as a design but the posts are so DRAMATIC
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  #13550  
Old 01-13-2017, 12:06 PM
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Imagine: An EEG monitors brain activity while you see images then a computer stimulates your brain in order to show you the images it wants to show you

or "listens" to your brain in order to interpret your visual thoughts after learning your neural paths

This would allow you to create images or music for other people using your mind

Alpha users would logically grow up playing the videogames precursor tech will evolve in, such as eye tracking UI in games (your TV blanks the ghosts from the media screen only where the viewer is directly looking) and others
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  #13551  
Old 01-14-2017, 11:10 PM
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Default My Morning Bus Driver Listens to a Country Station; Can Confirm

Quote:
male country artists: i love my truck and my beers

female country artists: i am going to kill my husband
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  #13552  
Old 01-15-2017, 01:29 PM
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The finest subgenre in country music is still "My man abuses the shit out of me, but he's so good with the dick."
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  #13553  
Old 01-15-2017, 06:09 PM
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  #13554  
Old 01-15-2017, 07:05 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Healy View Post
country music
SHE COULD HEAR THOSE CHURCH BELLS RINGIN RINGIN
STANDING THERE IN A BLACK DRESS SINGIN SINGIN
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  #13555  
Old 01-15-2017, 07:06 PM
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martina mcbride's independence day is the Most Country Song To Ever Country
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  #13556  
Old 01-15-2017, 09:44 PM
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Quote:
Wii U Advantages
- most likely will have better framerates fewer dips (compare to undocked switch)
- Want have to recharge system every two in a half hours (again undocked switch)
- Being made on WiiU the game will be likely build around the game on untilize it more and unique ways
Switch Advantage
- portable
- nicier color better shadows overall better graphics
- dem games (upcoming)
- *we fly hi music intro* nice slick black dock + Hd gaymez in my caddy + WiiU ain't BALLIN+ WiiU controller (Wii) dat sheet looks like a deel doe +WiiU ain't got no gaymez that sheet is Boosheet dat DS triple taking all WiiU gaymez
- Abap I don't know if u trigger know what Abap is but Abap stands for as ballin as possible Nintendo follow dat strict policy now (no region lock)
- Smash brothers the sheet nice but if it was on dat ps quadruple that sheet would be call super smash bros run up on a trigger 4k edition
For all my hater crying about switches price I'll give u 300 dollar just to shut the hell up trigger
- then we got this Trigger this Mexican ass trigger (Mario oydess) who jump roped
- dat new Splatoon two cause I gotta shoot sum triggers
- That sheet is mad gay (two hour battery life)
Know what I'm trying to say that switch is nice
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  #13557  
Old 01-16-2017, 12:15 AM
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Not to hard to tell when the effects of the alcohol really kicked in for that guy
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  #13558  
Old 01-16-2017, 01:10 AM
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  #13559  
Old 01-17-2017, 09:18 AM
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Sometimes I think about giving Wil Wheaton's new stuff a chance, but then I remember that he lied about performing the Kolvoord Starburst to Captain Picard and a Starfleet board of inquiry and I just get SO MAD
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  #13560  
Old 01-17-2017, 10:07 PM
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It all began in December 28, 1987; the world premiere of the very first episode of the very first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon series. I was six years old, and like millions of other children in my age group, the reptile's first cornball adventure knocked my little socks off. I was a die-hard fan in minutes, and I couldn't wait to play my favorite turtle - Michelangelo - on the playground next school day.

That was precisely how I discovered the problem that has haunted me to this day.

There I was, just a naive six-year-old boy, tearing around the playground with a dozen other kids who all had their favorite character. We had at least five Raphaels, two Shredders, even a Krang, though we hadn't even seen him in the show yet - just his action figure.

But, one by one, the other kids started to look at me weird. A couple of them stopped playing altogether. A couple seemed to run off somewhere.

Only when I found myself in "time out," sobbing, screamed at by a red-faced teacher already notorious for a hair-trigger temper, did the confusion set in.

Real quick: what's Michelangelo's catchphrase? What's that thing he shouts from his skateboard that almost immediately entered the vocabulary of every child from the late 80's to the late 90's?

Those of you as old as I am or cartoon-savvy enough just said "cowabunga," sometimes "cowabunga, dudes."

To this day, I have no idea what these words sound like in any incarnation of Michelangelo's voice.

It's not what I hear. It's not what I ever heard. If I tell you what it is now, you're going to think it's a joke, but I'm sure as hell not laughing. Not after three decades of it. Three decades of being the only human being on the planet who hears something different when the same fictional turtle-man opens his damnable mouth.

It wasn't long before I learned to just never speak of it. To never show that there was anything wrong. To let the grown-ups think it was just me desperately blaming a cartoon for getting into trouble at school.

It wasn't just the cartoon, though.

He said it in the comics. He said it in the commercials. His first electronic talking action figure said it. Even the comics from before the cartoon show, where he wasn't even supposed to say "cowabunga," found a place to work in his now crushingly familiar, alternate slogan, the one nobody else could see or hear. The one apparently just for me.

Naturally, confusion became obsession. I consumed everything turtle-related I could find, hoping to understand, hoping for answers. I let people think I was their #1 fan. Every birthday party was a turtle birthday party. Even when their popularity waned by the end of the 90's, I clung to every scrap of the franchise I could find...but nothing changed. Mikey never said "cowabunga" in my world, and I never found out why.

Then came to the brand new, updated cartoon in the 2000's, and as far as I know, it had completely phased out the whole "cowabunga" thing...but as with the original comics, his "special" catchphrase was still there, waiting for me...and worse than before.

The first time I tuned into the new show, heart already racing, Mikey did something he'd never done before.

He addressed me specifically. He tacked my first name to the end of the catchphrase.

Nobody in the show was named "Jordan."

This continued, almost exactly the same, through nearly every episode. Sometimes, he'd even look directly into the camera. There's one episode where he adds a sly wink.

More of the same from the 2007 CGI movie. Remember that? Not many do. It had its own self-contained continuity and never continued into anything else, swiftly forgotten by the time of the 2012 Nickelodeon series, also in CG.

Mikey still didn't say "cowabunga" in what fans came to call "Nickturtles," but he did say "booyakasha."

So I'm told.

It was in the first of the Micheal Bay film adaptations that things took a turn for the worse. The repellant motion-capture Mikey, with his uncanny quasi-human face, added an entire spiel to his little "trademark." Now it was "That's right, Jordan. You, the Jordan watching this movie, in this theater, the only Jordan in this audience. Any day now, Jordan."

I bolted from my seat.

I should have called it quits then and there. I should have thrown away my collection. I should have stopped frequenting the fandom. I should have stopped giving him the satisfaction.

But I couldn't.

I kept watching the TV series. I kept looking for any more signs or signals directed at me personally.

I even bought the movie on DVD, the day it came out, just to see if there was anything more.

The spiel was different, this time. Now he specified the Jordan watching his new DVD copy, the Jordan sitting alone at home, always so alone, the Jordan on the "cheap looking couch."

He could see me.

Soon, he was talking to me more than ever. The Nickelodeon show warped and rewrote itself to accomodate Mikey's long, bizarre tangents about me, about my life, about what he'd been waiting almost thirty years now to do to me. Soon, it was the only thing the character spoke of when I watched the show, and as always, nobody else saw it.

The worst was when it started to pollute other people. I used to have a pretty good grasp of what the character was supposed to be saying or doing just through wiki synopses, through review blogs, through other fans I carefully spoke to without revealing my little "issues." Not anymore. Now, this private hell, this alternate reality, this curse or delusion or whatever you want to call it, was actually affecting what I heard and read about the series from my fellow viewers. One of my favorite bloggers gave Mikey's latest "Jordan rant" a ten out of ten, and she never even normally used a numerical rating scale. TMNT Wiki suddenly featured an entire page on Mikey's apparent fixation with me, detailing precisely who I was, where I worked and disturbingly intimate details I was sure I'd never shared with another human being. Thank god I still seemed to be the only one able to see or hear any of this.

Then, one day...it stopped.

In a sense.

Suddenly, I could watch the scaly teens without hearing those accursed words. I could read the comics without Mikey berating and threatening me.

I should have been relieved, but my obsession, my terror was only escalated by one maddening new question.

......Where the fuck did he GO?

Michelangelo was simply gone. Gone from the books, gone from the cartoons, even gone from my collection. Every plush doll and action figure I'd amassed out of masochistic fascination had become one of the other turtles, overnight. I could no longer find mention of him online. Nobody knew who I was talking about. It was as if I'd slipped into a reality where there had only ever been three, just three, Teenage Mutant Ninja turtles. Well, three except for that one time they added Venus DeMilo, the much-reviled "female turtle" I never thought was that bad, personally. At least she never threatened me.

Had I truly just spent three wasted decades of my life living in mortal fear of a character not only fictional, but completely concocted by my own mind? Was I that fucked up?

It wasn't long before I stopped going into work. I stopped talking to friends. I barely got out of bed. My reality had crumbled. My incredibly ridiculous, stupid, pathetic reality in which I'd been tormented since childhood by the imaginary words of a cartoon animal.

Why?

How?

What else wasn't real?

Was I real?

Did life matter?

All these thoughts, this entire twisted life story, playing and replaying in my head as I stare up at the ceiling, inhaling the stink of sheets I haven't changed in months.

A knock at my door.

Another old coworker checking to make sure I'm alive.

I drag myself from bed, sticky with days of old, dried sweat since I last bothered to shower.

Another, louder knock.

I attempt to assure my visitor that I'm coming. All that comes out is a grumble.

Knocking becomes banging. Urgent. Desperate.

I stagger to my front door, turn the knob, and pull.

Somehow, I'm not even shocked by the figure on my front porch. Big. Green. Smiling.

We stare at one another for what feels like an eternity before he speaks, and I already know what he's going to say.

Those same old words. Those same five words I repeated on that playground in 1987. Those same five words that I and apparently I alone in all the world have heard from every iteration of the fictional character, Michelangelo, across every medium in which he has ever appeared, for thirty continuous years.

He says them as loudly, enthusiastically and cheerfully as ever, the same tone that I'm sure he's supposed to be saying his "cowabungas" or his "booyakashas" or whatever the hell else the rest of you are hearing.







"I'LL BITE YOUR DICK OFF!"

I know, Mikey. I know.
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