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  #1  
Old 06-27-2017, 06:12 AM
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Default Jon Bois Appreciation Thread.

Thread for appreciating Jon Bois.

All Is Lost - The Death of Basketball.
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It's a morbid, unhappy question, which doesn't mean it isn't also an interesting exercise. It's very easy for me to imagine the NBA going strong in 2050, 2070, 2100. It feels like it should run well past that, but it also feels silly to declare, with any real degree of confidence, that the NBA will be played -- with a rubber ball, blocking fouls, 10-feet rims, and a floor that isn't made out of trampolines -- in, say, the year 2914.

Human civilization has been evolving at a breakneck pace over the last 200 years, and the pace figures only to get quicker in the coming decades and centuries. The events of Star Trek: The Next Generation take place in the 2360s. Basketball is never mentioned, and sports in their present form are completely absent. When they dig a man from the 1990s out of cryogenic stasis and bring him aboard, he asks if he can watch an Atlanta Braves game. Nobody seems to know what he's talking about.

It's hard to imagine when the last NBA season would be, or why there would be a last season, and it we know with virtual certainty that the NBA will not last beyond the destruction of the Earth, the death of our Sun, and the likely eventual heat death of the universe. We have limited tools at our disposal to simulate what, exactly, this end could look like.
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Old 06-27-2017, 06:30 AM
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Larry Walters' flying lawn chair adventure



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Okay wait. How, in 1982, does a single lawn chair cost one hundred and 10 dollars. In 2015 money that is two hundred and sixty seven bucks. Like, forget the helium balloons for a second, forget the magical flying lawnchair. If you just buy a $267 dollar lawn chair and sit in it, I will make a video about you. It will be 45 minutes long. It will be "This is the amazing story of this person who blew all this money on one lawn chair which I think might be impossible to do". And then me, and your friends and family and the president will get together, and we will put you in a zoo, and we will stand on the other side of the bars and just stare at you.
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Old 06-27-2017, 06:34 AM
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Pretty Good and Chart Party are both excellent.

His Twitter is a master class in comedy through mundanity.
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Old 06-27-2017, 06:37 AM
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The Bill Belichick Offseason Simulator

Quote:
no one will hear you, why not sing the special Bill bed song?



it's the Bill bed
my name is Bill
will you sing with me
well i hope that you will
[sing the song with me]



sing verses two through seven of the Bill bed song, even though it is not Saturday

it is not Saturday. singing the Bill bed song in its entirety is a privilege reserved specially for Saturdays.

you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
you oughtn't sing the Bill bed song
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Old 06-27-2017, 06:56 AM
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NBA Y2K - Ten Years To Midnight.

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It isn't dark. The bugs are chirping, but it isn't dark yet. The sun is behind the trees, but the sky isn't black yet. It isn't time to come inside. We can still see the ball. No, we won't bother the neighbors. They aren't going to bed, because it isn't dark yet. Our mothers would not call us inside if only they knew it was the last night of our childhood. We can still see the ball. 8:53 is the afternoon, it is the late afternoon.

There is the moon. But it isn't dark.
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Old 06-27-2017, 08:12 AM
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Anything from Breaking Madden, but I'll pick this Super Bowl one.
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Old 06-27-2017, 08:16 AM
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That NBA Y2K quote is what I was going to bring to the table. I had read and enjoyed some Jon Bois stuff before that, but that is the one that made him a favorite.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adrenaline View Post
Pretty Good and Chart Party are both excellent.

His Twitter is a master class in comedy through mundanity.
Welcome to college football Saturday.
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Old 06-27-2017, 10:33 AM
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I went deep diving for some Progressive Boink content.

Revisiting the Radio Shack 2002 Catalog

Quote:
This guy was awesome. You'd say, "fire!" into the remote, and those little orange missiles would shoot. My only quarrel was with the name, really. A robot called "Evictor" should have the following functions:

Walking up to you on the 7th of the month and reminding you to add the late fee
Walking up to you on the 18th and notifying you that the late fee has doubled
On the 25th, shoots a missile containing a message in writing informing you that you will be taken to court if rent is not received within five business days
Doing nothing after that, since going to court against a person too poor to pay rent doesn't make any sense
Cursing the day that it decided to get into real estate
The 9 Questions Answered by The Net

Quote:
q. what happens when you delete files?

A. The computer's display becomes distorted and fuzzy. This is because your computer's data actually exists inside of the pixels on the monitor. The tower, which does not actually contain any computer parts, folds out into that G.I. Joe base you always wanted as a kid.
Haunted by Stupidity

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Campbell's Chunky Soup, which McNabb memorably endorsed throughout his career, has long been regarded as the Perrier of the "gas station food" set. It's less categorically toxic than frozen pizza, more dignified than a bag of Doritos, and more tastefully plate-able than a can of Vienna sausages.
Baseball Division Playoff Preview

Quote:
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

TURN BACK SATAN, I HAVE KILLED YOUR MESSENGERS

YOU SHALL HAVE NO QUARTER HERE
I had to use the wayback machine for that last one. I was going to say I miss all that old Progressive Boink stuff, but I had forgotten how free people were using stuff like "retarded" "fag" and "gay" as pejoratives back in 2002. I loved that site when I first started getting on the internet in high school and there is still some good stuff there, but a lot has changed in the last 15 years about my sensibilities. And theirs, I am assuming.
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Old 06-27-2017, 10:38 AM
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Motherfucker doesn't even acknowledge the baseball episode of DS9. What a scrub.
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Old 06-27-2017, 10:42 AM
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I mean, the entire point of Sisko's baseball obsession was to serve as a thematic link to his near-mythical role in the Bajoran religion. After all, baseball is a religion.
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Old 06-27-2017, 10:47 AM
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Don't forget his magnum opus!
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  #12  
Old 06-27-2017, 10:52 AM
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Someone (here?) linked The Dumbest Boy Alive a while back, and I enjoyed it so much I ended up watching all of Pretty Good that had been released up to that point. Dude's videos are super entertaining even if, like me, you don't even know what a sports
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  #13  
Old 06-27-2017, 11:09 AM
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I miss his curated sports gif posts, but he's clearly too busy to do something like that these days. I wish someone at SB Nation would bring that back.
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  #14  
Old 06-27-2017, 11:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by muteKi View Post
I miss his curated sports gif posts, but he's clearly too busy to do something like that these days. I wish someone at SB Nation would bring that back.
Yeah, that's what made Deflated Raptor Mascot immortal.

On one level, I want more Breaking Madden*. On the other... it ended with the Tannehell episode, which is basically an accurate summation of my Dolphins fandom.

* - Mainly because the Madden AI and game engine rebelling against what he makes it do is so insanely fascinating.
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  #15  
Old 06-27-2017, 12:16 PM
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It does take some time you know, building a barn.
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  #16  
Old 06-27-2017, 04:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
"Purpose is a towering obelisk. Joy is its eventual rubble."
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Old 06-28-2017, 06:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meditative_Zebra View Post
"Purpose is a towering obelisk. Joy is its eventual rubble."
From the same serious simultion.

Quote:
in the nightmare, you see a pizza party. a group of family and friends has gathered at somebody's home to eat pizza and enjoy one another's company. football strategies are not being discussed to any significant degree of detail.

no work is being accomplished. before you, simply, is the horrid spectacle of folks mulling about, having a good time, getting to better know one another, and asking how everyone's day has been.

a woman describes a recent trip to an art museum.

a man talks about a film he has recently seen.

you wake up screaming.
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  #18  
Old 06-29-2017, 04:54 PM
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Yes, it's totally great. I even love the preposterous very serious and completely accurate cover image.



edit: also great:
Quote:
[the sleeveless hoodie] is the most beautiful garment you have ever seen. it is regal and beautiful and utilitarian, which are different words for the same thing.
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Old 07-11-2017, 11:12 AM
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Wait a second, we have this thread and this hasn't been linked yet?
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Old 07-11-2017, 11:30 AM
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neatly partitioned meats and cheeses appeal to me on an aesthetic level mfer
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  #21  
Old 07-11-2017, 11:30 AM
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That one is a little bit too trippy for my tastes.
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  #22  
Old 07-11-2017, 11:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adrenaline View Post
Wait a second, we have this thread and this hasn't been linked yet?
The beginning of that one reminds me so much of Hotel: Since 2079.

And that means I fucking love it.
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  #23  
Old 07-11-2017, 12:27 PM
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I was lukewarm until "oh yeah broncos fans are crazy" which is the perfect punchline for this entire setup. If this story ended right there, that would be all I would require. That would be the best joke that I had ever read in my life.

There's yet more.
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  #24  
Old 07-16-2017, 11:44 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adrenaline View Post
Wait a second, we have this thread and this hasn't been linked yet?
This was wonderful from start to finish.
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  #25  
Old 07-16-2017, 01:24 PM
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I keep misreading this as the "Jon Bon Jovi Appreciation Thread"

And I keep being unsure whether or not to disappointed.
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  #26  
Old 07-17-2017, 09:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
The beginning of that one reminds me so much of Hotel: Since 2079.

And that means I fucking love it.
17776 was a fantastic piece of science fiction. I'm glad he did it, and I'm glad SB Nation gave him enough runway to do it.

Also the Pretty Good video for Georgia Tech v Cumberland had me laughing so hard that I thought I would harm myself. I lost control for like five minutes at the "Pee-Wee" story.
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Old 07-23-2017, 10:04 AM
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Anyone who read Football 17776, go and (re)-watch the first episode of Pretty Good and you'll see something that you probably didn't notice before.

It's possible he's talked about Koy Detmer in previous works, but I don't know if his card showing up would have been noticed by many people.
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Old 07-24-2017, 12:35 PM
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I didn't know this before but it makes total sense that Jon worked on The Dugout years ago.

It was a webcomic which was presented as a chatroom shared by a bunch of fictionalized versions of major league baseball players. Also, it was hosted on Progressive Boink, which is (at least currently) hosted on SB Nation, and Jon's twitter icon is a picture of Hobbes. It all fits together, etc.
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Old 07-24-2017, 01:09 PM
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I'm pretty sure that in his article on Radio Shack that he talks a bunch about the PBoink days. But it's been a while since I've read it.
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  #30  
Old 08-09-2017, 10:17 AM
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New Chart Party:

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