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Old 04-08-2009, 03:04 PM
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We should have a thread where we post things from The Onion. I'll start:

Study: Children Exposed to Pornography May Expect Sex To Be Enjoyable (may be NSFW! Tiny bit of boob!)
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:06 PM
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This one brings me to tears every single time I read it.

Ninja kills office co-workers
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:19 PM
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Oprah Launches Own Reality

If only for the Stedman burn at the end.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reibeatall View Post
This one brings me to tears every single time I read it.

Ninja kills office co-workers
This is my all time favorite Onion story.

This is a close second.

Quote:
Originally Posted by The Onion
"Pancakes are delicious, but their wily ways are not to be trusted," said Alzheimer's sufferer Marie Klapisch, speaking to a group of ducks gathered in front of the U.S. Treasury Building. "Get those underpants away from my grandchildren's foot medicine, you filthy, dirty-minded bastards!" She then burst into tears and ran off, scattering the assembled waterfowl.

Pancakes, according to officials at the International House Of Pancakes' headquarters in Geneva, are consumed by approximately 40 million Americans each morning. They are, IHOP spokespeople said, extremely delicious whether served with syrup or a variety of fruity toppings, and are available 24 hours a day. Yet they admit that, as of now, there is no cure in sight.

But honestly, almost every Onion story is pretty good.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:29 PM
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SUPER MONKEY COLLIDER
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reibeatall View Post
This one brings me to tears every single time I read it.

Ninja kills office co-workers
Related.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:41 PM
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This one is creepy as hell.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:47 PM
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You Want A Piece Of Me? By: A Pie

Pretty much my favorite of all time.

A close second is Blood... Blood Everywhere
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:47 PM
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we had this one taped next to the record player at the record store I sort of worked at for 4 years.

Yeah, fuck you dave matthews.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:49 PM
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I don't watch Lost, but I remember picking up a print copy of the Onion outside of Stubbs BBQ once, and this article made the long ass wait enjoyable.

Area Man Likes To Compare Circle Of Friends To Cast Of Lost

Quote:
"Dave [Engler] is definitely Jack," said Krewalski, comparing the 31-year-old line cook whom he has known since college to the selfless doctor and leader of the survivors. "Always has a plan. Always making the tough decisions. Just last week, none of us could decide where we wanted to eat, when Dave all of a sudden steps in and says Outback Steakhouse, and boom, it was like the scene where they all follow Jack to the caves."

...

"Tom's like Hurley because he's fat," Krewalski added.

...

Krewalski also claims his friend Chris is "exactly like" Charlie, as both have struggled with a heroin addiction.
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Old 04-08-2009, 03:52 PM
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If only it handn't been true.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:06 PM
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My favorite Onion article ever.

In most cases, Onion headlines are totally hilarious, but the articles themselves are merely amusing (I would say the article I just linked is one of the few reverse cases). I appreciate the Onion, but I can't say I actually like it all that much.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:06 PM
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From the dark days of 2004: Nation's Liberals Suffering From Outrage Fatigue. That article inspired the domain I purchased shortly after.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:06 PM
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Harlowe pleads with senators to ask the King of America to do something about "all the goddamned spiders."

That was the first Onion article I ever saw and read. It was love at first sight.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul le Fou View Post
In most cases, Onion headlines are totally hilarious, but the articles themselves are merely amusing (I would say the article I just linked is one of the few reverse cases). I appreciate the Onion, but I can't say I actually like it all that much.
I'm pretty sure this is by design. Part of the joke is the slavish adherence to dry, impersonal newswriting style, and that is reflected in the way most stories are difficult to read straight through. Most people read the headline and the first few paragraphs of a real news story, at most. Onion stories are the same way. The TV segments are pure gold, though.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:13 PM
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I've read/heard various accounts of what it's like in The Onion's writers' room, and they're all very similar. The writers only pitch headlines. They pitch hundreds and hundreds of them a week, most very funny. Only like 10-20 make it through.

This American Life did an awesome episode that had a segment about it.
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:17 PM
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A few of their tech pieces:

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece of Shit that Doesn't Fucking Work

and

The Macbook Wheel

My personal favorite video to-date is:

Prague's Franz Kafka International Airport Named World's Most Alienating Airport
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  #18  
Old 04-08-2009, 04:23 PM
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School Bully Not So Tough Since Being Molested
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:24 PM
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Area Man Dies as He Lived: Of a Heart Attack
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:29 PM
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Links!
Quote:
Originally Posted by JDS View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarcasmorator View Post
Protip: It's easy to find stuff on sites like The Onion that have extensive backlogs using google's "site" feature:

site:theonion.com school bully
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  #21  
Old 04-08-2009, 04:31 PM
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I like this Area Man story: God Help Him, But Area Man Loves That Crazy Bitch

Also, I love how nerdy they portray Obama.
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  #22  
Old 04-08-2009, 04:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ringworm View Post
Protip: It's easy to find stuff on sites like The Onion that have extensive backlogs using google's "site" feature
Yes yes but I am lazy
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Old 04-08-2009, 04:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ringworm View Post
I have a few collections that I'm slowly working through, but I should check out more of their video stuff now.

The emotional side of killing whores.
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Old 04-08-2009, 05:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul le Fou View Post
In most cases, Onion headlines are totally hilarious, but the articles themselves are merely amusing
This gets said a lot, but I kind of feel like everyone who does so is not reallly reading the articles. The articles are by far the best part.

Example:

Quote:
Later, the defense secretary attempted to find common ground with Obama by making casual references to the comic book Spawn. But the 44th president reportedly brushed him off with an abrupt laugh, saying, "no one in [his] administration likes Spawn."
Quote:
When asked by the press corps if this week's hiccup has caused him to rethink any of his appointments, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton interrupted the president to assert that she and her colleagues have already begun educating themselves about comic books, and will soon be "an invincible team of Supermen and Wonder Women working to save America."

"Wonder Woman? That's not even Marvel," Obama responded before storming out of the press room. "Who are you people?"
If I didn't have to get out of here to get to work in 3 minutes, I could go on forever.

The articles = funny.
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  #25  
Old 04-08-2009, 05:13 PM
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Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works
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Old 04-08-2009, 05:52 PM
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Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament At Remote Island Fortress

My all time favorite Onion article is from the "Our Dumb Century" book:

HOLY SHIT! MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON!

Oh God, some wonderful person has made a video out of the article.
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  #27  
Old 04-08-2009, 06:30 PM
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DNA evidence frees black man convicted of bear attack
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  #28  
Old 04-08-2009, 06:52 PM
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My two favourites:
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
Black Guy Asks Nation For Change
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  #29  
Old 04-08-2009, 08:48 PM
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The Onion's 1997 Man of the Year: The Man

My favorites are usually the Opinion/Columnist pieces, particularly the ones buy Dept. Head Rawlings (By Now, The Uzbekistanis Have Discovered The Disappearance Of Their Orbital Platform is such a great headline), Smoove B and Gorzo the Mighty.
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Old 04-08-2009, 08:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Figure Four View Post

My all time favorite Onion article is from the "Our Dumb Century" book:

HOLY SHIT! MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON!

Oh God, some wonderful person has made a video out of the article.
That's my favorite one too. A couple of The Onion writers are giving a talk tomorrow night at the school that I work at. I hope they inscribe something about the fucking moon in my copy at the signing session.
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