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  #1  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:04 AM
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Default HELP ME GET MY WIFE TO BUY ME NINTENDO FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

THE FACTS

1.) BEAT'S WIFE (HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS "GIRL") IS THE COOLEST HUMAN THAT HAS EVER EXISTED.

2.) GIRL DOESN'T VIDEO GAMES. BECAUSE SHE'S COOL AND VIDEO GAMES ARE FOR NERDS. WHEN EXPOSED TO THE MEDIUM, HER REACTION IS TYPICALLY A MIXTURE OF CONFUSION AND DISGUST. IT'S LIKELY THAT GIRL HAS NO IDEA THAT THERE EVEN IS A NEW NINTENDO.

3.) BEAT WANTS THAT NEW NINTENDO & HIS BIRTHDAY IS AT THE END OF MARCH.

THE RULES

1.) BEAT CANNOT DIRECTLY TELL GIRL ABOUT THE NEW NINTENDO, LIKE "HEY GIRL THERE IS A NEW NINTENDO BOY I SURE WOULD LIKE TO OWN THAT".

2.) BEAT CANNOT DRAG HIS COOL WIFE TO UNCOOL PLACES LIKE VIDEO GAME STORES WHERE SHE MIGHT LEARN ABOUT NEW NINTENDO.

3.) BEAT CANNOT BRING UP HIS UPCOMING BIRTHDAY TO GIRL. IF GIRL ASKS BEAT "WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BIRTHDAY?" HE CAN ONLY RESPOND "OH, YOU KNOW, WHATEVER".

YOUR OBJECTIVE

FIND A WAY FOR BEAT TO GET GIRL TO GET HIM A NINTENDO FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.

Last edited by BEAT; 01-13-2017 at 11:23 AM. Reason: HONESTLY I'LL PROBABLY JUST SHOW HER THIS THREAD THIS EVENING AND WE'LL LAUGH ABOUT IT AND THEN I'LL BUY THE NINTENDO MYSELF WHATEVS.
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  #2  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:11 AM
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This makes me curious how marketing for this is going to go. At that price point they need to start advertising now so people who weren't aware of it can save up.
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  #3  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:13 AM
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Clearly your best bet is some good ol' subliminal messages.

Make GIRL a bowl of Alpha Bits for breakfast, making sure that the only letters in the bowl spell out "NINTENDO SWITCH".

Add the Jimmy Smits comedy opus "Switch" to your Netflix queue.

While working on a crossword puzzle as for help on a six letter word for a branch.
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Old 01-13-2017, 08:18 AM
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Violent, that is NOT a series wildly irresponsible sitcom-esque suggestions.

I'm going to let you re-do the assignment for full credit, but this is your final warning.
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  #5  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:20 AM
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Put a stripe of tape down the middle of your home. Say that one is the SEGA side, and one is the NINTENDO side. Make sure the Nintendo side is utterly barren.

"Sure would be nice to have something in that side of the house, eh, GIRL?"
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  #6  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:21 AM
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Octo, you did excellent work. I am printing out a copy of your posts so I can a put a sticker of a frog wearing a backwards baseball cap saying "AWESOME!" on it. The word awesome is also a rainbow.
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  #7  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:21 AM
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Part of the problem might be that you're showing her bad games?? I don't have a solution for this problem.
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  #8  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
Octo, you did excellent work. I am printing out a copy of your posts so I can a put a sticker of a frog wearing a backwards baseball cap saying "AWESOME!" on it. The word awesome is also a rainbow.
Cool Beans!

Present GIRL with a treasure map that came from "A wizened old prospector who died in your arms" (don't worry, you drew the map, the prospector is fine), and instead of being a regular map, it's a series of riddles and clues that lead to a great treasure. All the riddles are about all the fun you can have playing Nintendo games, and the final challenge is to buy you a Nintendo Switch.

Turns out the real treasure was your friendship.
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  #9  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:28 AM
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Every time you use the word "switch" in casual conversation, emphasize it to a ridiculous degree.

"Hey, how's our phone plan? Do you think we should SWITCH to another carrier?"
"It seems like we always sleep on the same sides of the bed. Let's SWITCH."
"I dunno, it seems like we've been eating a lot of chicken recently, maybe we should SWITCH it up."

If she asks why you're doing that, simply respond, "Oh, no reason. Or IS THERE!?" Occasionally leave the room while announcing, "TO BE CONTINUED..."

That oughtta do it.
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  #10  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:32 AM
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Present GIRL with a book, but warn her not to read it because there is a monster at the end of the book.

Keep becoming increasingly distressed every time she turns a page and do more and more to try to convince her not to reach the end of the book.

Then when she eventually does open the last page (human curiosity being as it is) it's a Frankenstein saying "I don't own a Nintendo Switch".
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  #11  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:33 AM
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Quietly sabotage a light switch in the BEATPALACE and then pretend to discover it while she's paying attention. Bemoan the fact that you'll just have to go to the store to get a new one, well come on honey we'd better get going it'll be dark soon and the freaks come out at night. At the store wander over to the electronics section and act surprised and delighted when you find the object of your desires. "Oh look honey Nintendo is making switches now, we should get this because their hardware is always very reliable." Move quickly but calmly towards the checkout while regaling her with tales of Nintendo's line of indestructible products, like that one Game Boy from the letters column in Nintendo Power that got blown up in Iraq but could still play Tetris. The idea is to keep her off-balance and distracted so she can't ask questions like "why is this $300" and "this doesn't look like a light switch" and "why does it have a fucking Mario on the front."

When you get it home you need to really sell the idea that you're trying to use this fucking video game machine to replace the broken light switch. Take everything out of the box and spread it out on the floor while poring intently over the instructions. Wear a tape measure on your belt and have a bunch of manly stuff around, like hammers and a bandsaw and some raw meat, and mutter things like "son of a bitch!" to yourself. You didn't marry no dummy so she will obviously have her doubts as to your chances of successfully replacing the light switch, but you'll look like you're trying so hard that she just won't have the heart to say anything. After several hours make a show of reluctantly admitting defeat. Replacing a light switch is impossible and you were a fool to ever try. But you know what might make you feel better? A little Zelda action.

Your wife may never respect you again the way she once did, but you won't even care with all the rooftop mimosa parties you and your new Switch will be attending.
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  #12  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:40 AM
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go on a walk through the mall with GIRL and happen to fall down and sprain your ankle in front of a Gamestop window display showing Switch. Fall in a way that your body points into a direct line to the advertisement as you grab your foot and howl in pain.

Point out that this means you can't do any physical activities for a while. Say 'This is going to be the most boring 4-6 weeks ever! I wish I could switch out my video games for some new ones'
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  #13  
Old 01-13-2017, 08:59 AM
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Acquire multiple fliers or advertisements for the Nintendo Switch and put them in places she can't help but see them. On her nightstand, in her car, her computer monitor, the inside of her closet, etc.

When she asks where all these fliers came from, deny knowing anything about it in a pompous and overblown fashion.
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  #14  
Old 01-13-2017, 09:47 AM
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Duct tape a wii remote to an iPad. Call in GIRL and tell her you have developed a prototype for the most awesome piece of hardware you've ever seen. Ask if you two can investigate patents to see if your idea has already been done. Find the patents filed for the Nintendo Switch design. Note that these designs are very similar to the idea you just had. Act dejected and sad that your idea already exists
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  #15  
Old 01-13-2017, 10:14 AM
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Walk into the bathroom and say "NOW THAT I'M ALONE, I CAN TALK TO YOU, MIRROR BEAT, ABOUT THE NINTENDO SWITCH THAT I DESIRE SO MUCH TO HAVE FOR MY BIRTHDAY"

Write "Switch please" on your cock in biro. I tried this and there wasn't room. It just says "Swi". "Switc" when aroused.
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  #16  
Old 01-13-2017, 10:29 AM
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There is no way at all to do what you want to do as far as I'm telling.

Buy yourself a SWITCH and tell her it's from her for your birthday, freeing her budget up to buy herself that thing she's not telling you she wants for her own birthday, freeing your budget up to also buy her a surprise birthday gift.

It's brilliant unless you're broke, but I have a spell for that if you're interested:

Conjure money by forming a circle of salt bisected by a wave, representing water and the flow of the material planes, chant and snap your fingers while you light candles along the seven points of power facing the stars of the sister constellation and drip a container of green paint onto the floor in cool looking patterns, then post the time-lapse and slowdown videos on youtube for clickview money.
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  #17  
Old 01-13-2017, 11:50 AM
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Fake falling asleep at night and begin "sleeptalking". Start off innocuous with something like "GIRL is the prettiest girl I know."

When she asks you about it, laugh and say you haven't had issues with sleep talking for a while, but what you know about it is that you always say exactly what you're feeling and thinking about.

Over the next couple of weeks, increase the sleep talking. Thrash around a bit to make sure she wakes up and notices while saying truthful things.

"Skeletons are the coolest."

"Lowercase characters are for the weak."

"Falselogic should cook his hot dogs."

Then, the kicker:

"I hope GIRL gets me a Nintendo Switch for my birthday available at Gamestop and online for $299.99 MSRP also Zelda"

This will only backfire if in the future you actually sleeptalk and say something weird.
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  #18  
Old 01-13-2017, 12:27 PM
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I just want to say I'm overjoyed by every single one of your suggestions to turn my life into a Sitcom B Plot, and I'm very happy I made this thread.
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  #19  
Old 01-13-2017, 12:38 PM
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The only problem with all of these plans is that they put the burden of entering a NERD STORE to buy NERD THINGS on GIRL, which is not fair.

So instead ask her for $400 worth of Newman's Own Ranch Dressing, and tell her it has to be bought fresh from a store that has a 14 day return policy in cash with receipt because that's how you know they give you the good stuff and not the Newman's Factory Seconds or whatever.

When you receive $400 of Newman's Own Ranch Dressing for your birthday, return it to the store and use your $400 cash to buy a Nintendo Switch and Zelda.
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  #20  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:11 PM
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so exciting!
 
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just buy it for yourself, geez dude
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  #21  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:13 PM
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just buy it for yourself, geez dude
And put GIRLs name on it! And then try to convince her she had amnesia that only affected purchases! And only selectively!
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  #22  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:14 PM
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Buy it for yourself, put her name on the order, thank her profusely for it. She'll think she bought it and just forgot about it. This is guaranteed not to fail.
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  #23  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:14 PM
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Great minds
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  #24  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:16 PM
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so exciting!
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GoggleBob View Post
Every time you use the word "switch" in casual conversation, emphasize it to a ridiculous degree.

"Hey, how's our phone plan? Do you think we should SWITCH to another carrier?"
"It seems like we always sleep on the same sides of the bed. Let's SWITCH."
"I dunno, it seems like we've been eating a lot of chicken recently, maybe we should SWITCH it up."

If she asks why you're doing that, simply respond, "Oh, no reason. Or IS THERE!?" Occasionally leave the room while announcing, "TO BE CONTINUED..."

That oughtta do it.
alternately: invite local talking tyrants to come hang out, and have one of them casually use the word "switch" in a sentence, but have them snap their fingers like in the presentation when they do. then you respond the same way (use switch in a sentence and snap when you say it), then go back and forth until GIRL is like "what the fuck is wrong with y'all" and then the talking tyrant friend will be like "it's from nintendo's new thing, oh hold on i'll show you" and they can get out their phone to show GIRL the switch presentation.

beforehand, you and the tyrant will have practiced all of the iconic moments from the presentation so you can sort of act it out together while GIRL is watching, and she'll see how passionate you are about the nintendo switch entertainment system
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  #25  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:17 PM
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Surely she wouldn't recoil from Bomberman or PuyoPuyo?
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  #26  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
And put GIRLs name on it! And then try to convince her she had amnesia that only affected purchases! And only selectively!
no, put her name on it and when she asks about it be all "oh we switched (snap) on who's buying the presents this year"
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  #27  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:20 PM
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tell her your Internet Friend Zachary "Pajaro Pete" Turnipfritters is dying and his final wish is for you to own a Nintendo Switch.
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  #28  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:26 PM
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go out to eat with GIRL and hire a couple of actresses to sit at the table next to you and have a loud discussion about what to buy husbands for their birthday. one should loudly talk about how she bought her husband a switch for his birthday and how much he loves it (it's essential that she somehow works in that her husband is your age and has a similar job as you). she'll also talk about how much she enjoys the switch as well and convince the other actress to buy her husband a switch for his birthday.
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  #29  
Old 01-13-2017, 02:29 PM
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Take out a personal ad

"Attractive young couple interested in play w/ Switch; must be clean and discreet"
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  #30  
Old 01-13-2017, 04:07 PM
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Purchase space on a billboard.

This will have the helpful side effect of assisting other spouses in the same predicament!
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inception , kansas city shuffle , keyboard vomit from beat , mind games , nintendo bait , the ol' switcheroo , wife switch

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