The Return of Talking Time

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Old 07-25-2010, 07:50 PM
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Default LEOPARDS, IN THE TREES, MURDERING HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE

"All that you love shall bleed."


Leopards are so evil that you can take an innocent animal, of neutral or heroic standing, such as a seal





and make it evil by adding the word 'leopard'.

Leopard Seal


So, be careful with the word. In fact, if I go on to use the word 'leopard' too often in this post, simply having the word present so many times on your monitor will make your computer GROW TEETH and EAT YOU

So, like an aged Leonard Cohen spelling 'God' 'G*d', we will be respectful of the material we're handling.

Le*pards are monsters that live in trees. One le*pard in India murdered 400 people

400 PEOPLE

When le*pards are first born, they look strange.


When they get older they look majestic


But that is not what you will see. You will see

and then

and then


a le*pard might live in a tree and kill people
ONE DID THIS 400 TIMES
if every le*pard did this
over 120 million people would be killed by le*pards
to date no laboratory is researching a cure for le*pards

HOW DO I KNOW IF I HAVE A LE*PARD INFESTATION
If you live near a tree and people start disappearing, you have a le*pard

HOW DO I DEAL WITH A LE*PARD
Bullets, tens of thousands of them

I DON'T WANT TO KILL A LE*PARD
Then catch it in a cage

CAN I RELEASE THE LE*PARD BACK INTO THE WILD?
No.

THEN WHAT DO I DO
You are stuck with the le*pard until it figures a way out of its cage and kills you and drags you up into the nearest available tree

WHY ARE LE*PARDS?
So long as mankind laughs and learns and loves, le*pards will hide in trees and kill us

WHO MADE LE*PARDS?
Perversely, trees created le*pards to simply be a counterweight, to be installed in their branches as needed. But this technology raged out of their control and now a le*pard can kill up to 400 people

It is theorized by some that le*pards are merely misinterpreting their programming, and drag corpses up into the branches to assist with balancing weight

A le*pard has one spot for every person you care about that it fantasizes about murdering

when a le*pard fantasizes about killing enough of your friends and family, the black spots will grow so numerous as to completely cover it, and it will become a black panther

SHOULD WE BURN OUR TREES DOWN?
That will only make the le*pards also be on fire

"Clutched by branches
Wooden fingers gnarled with shame
The rotting nest is held aloft
A tangle of gnawed bones and cartilage
The leopard waits within

Draped in gold
Speckled with black
Stained with red
The leopard still waits
For you to enter the darkness
Cast by his home

Where your shadow meets his
The living guillotine falls

And when it rises

It shall carry you with it"

www.stopleopards.net
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  #2  
Old 07-25-2010, 07:53 PM
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This thread is great. I like this thread.
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Old 07-25-2010, 07:54 PM
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You actually got me to click the link you nerd.
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Old 07-25-2010, 07:57 PM
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I clicked the link expecting more. I was upset but also elated.
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Old 07-25-2010, 08:20 PM
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My computer was shipped from the factory with teeth. Then, last september, its coat mysteriously turned white.
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Old 07-25-2010, 08:25 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady View Post
My computer was shipped from the factory with teeth. Then, last september, its coat mysteriously turned white.
Get out of the house! NOW!!
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Old 07-25-2010, 08:57 PM
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That leopard seal looks like it ain't going to take any shit from no Canadian hunter.
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Old 07-25-2010, 09:31 PM
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But what about sea lions?

It's funny you should mention this, because I was reading a story about Kesagake yesterday. He was a brown bear who had woken up from hibernation and decided to satisfy his hunger by snacking on the residents of a nearby village. He took about seven of them (with a few more dying from injuries sustained from encounters with him) before a militia was called in to deal with him. The bear was too crafty for the militia, but ultimately fell to a seasoned bear hunter who redeemed himself after living in a drunken stupor for several years. One child who witnessed the whole bloody incident swore a vow that he would kill ten bears for every victim of Kesagake, and did just that, killing over a hundred before his retirement. Talk about holding a grudge!
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Old 07-25-2010, 10:05 PM
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You didn't register the site? Sorry, but in this age of How I Met Your Mother, in which every stupid joke URL has a working site attached, this is not acceptable.
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Old 07-25-2010, 10:36 PM
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Not true. WilWheatonStinks.com, .net, and .org were all available last time I checked them. (Big oversight on Warner Bros.' part, I think.)
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  #11  
Old 07-26-2010, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shawn View Post
You actually got me to click the link you nerd.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodal View Post
I clicked the link expecting more. I was upset but also elated.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Parish View Post
You didn't register the site? Sorry, but in this age of How I Met Your Mother, in which every stupid joke URL has a working site attached, this is not acceptable.
I don't know, guys. Clicking on this particular non-existant link brings me to a page with a bunch of really sweet deals on low-cost "leopard stools". That works for me.
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Old 07-26-2010, 09:58 AM
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That was glorious. I've never been this happy about a forum post in my life.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ArugulaZ View Post
But what about sea lions?

It's funny you should mention this, because I was reading a story about Kesagake yesterday. He was a brown bear who had woken up from hibernation and decided to satisfy his hunger by snacking on the residents of a nearby village. He took about seven of them (with a few more dying from injuries sustained from encounters with him) before a militia was called in to deal with him. The bear was too crafty for the militia, but ultimately fell to a seasoned bear hunter who redeemed himself after living in a drunken stupor for several years. One child who witnessed the whole bloody incident swore a vow that he would kill ten bears for every victim of Kesagake, and did just that, killing over a hundred before his retirement. Talk about holding a grudge!
Does...does Japan actually enact every anime? Are there people there who hunt dragons?
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:05 AM
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I say we oust Mr. Parish and institute Mr. Ford as Fearless Leader.

This post, with its borderline hate-speech directed at leo*ards has shown me the wisdom of this decision.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:09 AM
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It's only hate speech if the thing you're hating has a soul!

LE*PARDS have no souls. There is a place where their souls should be, but because of some unknowable mistake it's filled with hatred, and an itemized list of all the people it needs to murder.

The list consists entirely of your family and friends. If you have no family and friends, It's just your name, over and over and over again.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:12 AM
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Well, thats why it's only borderline, Mr. Beat.

I am fully cognizant of the... the utter... utter animosity that fills the leo*ard, from its cold, joyless eyes.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:16 AM
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Psh, it was totally a tiger - and not a leo*ard - that killed 400 people (in Nepal, not India).

The best le*pards could muster was a measely 125 deaths in India.

Also, when the "p" is replaced with an asterisk, my mind instantly reads it as "leo-tard". But not, like, the things you wear...like you're calling the animal a 'tard. Why you gotta harsh the leo*ards?
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:33 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Calorie Mate View Post
Psh, it was totally a tiger - and not a leopard - that killed 400 people (in Nepal, not India).

The best leopards could muster was a measely 125 deaths in India.
THIS GUY RIGHT HERE.

They blame a poacher for wounding it in the first place, and imply that's the reason it ate people, because it could then no longer hunt 'normal prey'. Oh, of course! It's everyone's fault but the le*pard's that it murdered 400 people! God, the fucking culture of victimhood that le*pards subscribe to, it's just sickening.

The one thing they can't do is not anger me!

Tell y'what, I'll go murder 400 people and tuck their corpses up into assorted trees. They'll arrest me, but I'll say, oh, no! It's not my fault! I've got an old sports injury from my high school coach pushing me too hard!

"Oh, well then, we'll be sure to mention that your serial-killing was all someone else's fault in your wikipedia article!"

What sort of wound was this, anyway!? The kind that makes it impossible to hunt anything except hundreds of humans!? THAT KIND OF WOUND!? THAT EXACT KIND OF WOUND, HUH!?
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:38 AM
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Oh my god. From the article sourced in the wikipedia article -
Quote:
One government official's daughter entered her bedroom and saw a leopard's tail visible from beneath the bed.
Leo*ards are officially the monsters under the bed that every child fears. Humanity as a whole knows the truth about shadows, buried deep into our subconscious - That at any moment they could be hiding leo*ards.
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Old 07-26-2010, 10:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deptford View Post
I think the takeaway message from all of our links is that this Jim Corbett fellow was a badass.
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Old 07-26-2010, 11:19 AM
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That face...do Le*pard Seals have several weak points you can only see with a thermal scope?
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Old 07-26-2010, 02:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nodal View Post
Leo*ards are officially the monsters under the bed that every child fears. Humanity as a whole knows the truth about shadows, buried deep into our subconscious - That at any moment they could be hiding leo*ards.
They've got us from above and below, then...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Calorie Mate View Post
I think the takeaway message from all of our links is that this Jim Corbett fellow was a badass.
Mathematically, by killing a creature that, itself, killed 400 people, he must have been at least as powerful as 400 normal people.
Mathematically.

Also, the fact that he was a conservationist that still was willing...and ABLE...to hunt down and kill animals that were too dangerous to let live lends an air of complexity to him that makes him all the more amazing.


"Jim Corbett: May we be thankful he used his strength for good."

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ghost from Spelunker View Post
That face...do Le*pard Seals have several weak points you can only see with a thermal scope?
I wish those fuckers had weak points.
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  #23  
Old 07-26-2010, 02:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Deptford View Post
Mathematically, by killing a creature that, itself, killed 400 people, he must have been at least as powerful as 400 normal people.
Mathematically.

Also, the fact that he was a conservationist that still was willing...and ABLE...to hunt down and kill animals that were too dangerous to let live lends an air of complexity to him that makes him all the more amazing.
I was thinking the same thing. I really want to compose folk songs about him now.
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Old 07-26-2010, 02:11 PM
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It occurs to me that I don't have nearly enough guns to survive a L*OPARD attack.

Surely a man as well-informed as Deptford has taken the necessary precaution of purchasing thousands of guns. He's probably removed all the trees in his area too.

Deptford, I will be making my pilgrimage to your home (Which I presume is deep underground) immediately. I will bring an offering of food and water. I assume you have taken in countless other refugees, being the great humanitarian you are.

Oh god there are so many trees here. I pray I will make it through the night.
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Old 07-26-2010, 02:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Parish View Post
You didn't register the site? Sorry, but in this age of How I Met Your Mother, in which every stupid joke URL has a working site attached, this is not acceptable.
The answer, obviously, is that Talking Time should take up this cause, and start the Stop Le*pards movement.
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Old 07-26-2010, 02:19 PM
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Don't be silly.

The url must be "www.stople*pards.net". I will settle for nothing less.
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Old 07-26-2010, 02:29 PM
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Guys. Don't you understand. The Leop*rds got to the makers of the website.

And now they're going to come after us...

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!
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Old 07-26-2010, 03:06 PM
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Old 07-26-2010, 06:22 PM
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in b4 le*pard p*rcy
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  #30  
Old 07-26-2010, 06:31 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Comb Stranger View Post
Magnificent.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beat View Post
Deptford, I will be making my pilgrimage to your home (Which I presume is deep underground) immediately. I will bring an offering of food and water. I assume you have taken in countless other refugees, being the great humanitarian you are.
Embarrassingly, I have to confess that my home isn't quite the haven it should be. While I'm skilled at protecting others, I have proven unable to protect my own home...much like how a surgeon can heal anybody but himself.

You see
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hope is a cruel lie , le*pards , paul is dead

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