The Return of Talking Time

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  #61  
Old 01-17-2017, 01:56 PM
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Gerad Gerad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
GIRL: What.
BEAT: No like see, it's a reference to this old LucasArts Game Called-
GIRL: did you just call me a cow?
BEAT: No! I mean, yes, but only in refrence to this old LucasArts G-
GIRL: YOU JUST CALLED ME A COW BECAUSE OF THE STAR WARS GUY?!
BEAT: NO! I MEAN YES BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WOULD SOMEHOW GET ME A NINTENDO
GIRL: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!
BEAT: I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!
Thank you for replying to mine, even though I didn't intend it to be replied to you. I'll repay you with a suggestion:

Invite GIRL onto one of your Let's Play suggestions, as you do. Then, when she's on and being subjected to the horrible mind-numbing ennui of BAD RATS or the like, you and the Skype Crew start a long conversation about how you wouldn't have to play games that bad if only you had a NINTENDO SWITCH(tm). Watch as the horror of your not having a NINTENDO SWITCH(tm) dawns upon her; it forces you to do things that no sane human/skeleton would do. She must do anything she can to save you from your poor, wretched leisure time activities. And, perhaps, she will!

Just to be safe, make sure to play BAD RATS or the like, moaning inconsolably, at least once a day until NINTENDO SWITCH(tm) release day.
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  #62  
Old 01-17-2017, 02:10 PM
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The boss is coming over for dinner. The big boss. Biggest boss in the land. They say that if you got a promotion every week, it would take you thirty quarters to reach a height equal to his on the org chart. They say the pilot of his private jet is conveyed to the runway in a private jet of his own. His desk is a mile wide and half a mile deep, and entire divisions are born and die at his whim, as easily as he clenches his buttcheeks.

You must not only feed the boss, plying his palate with the rarest of medium-rare beefsteaks and the most exotic yet homey tapas, but also entertain him, in order to determine the fate of everyone at your place of work. And if the boss is unimpressed, needless to say, you won't last long enough to share in the punishment. You'll be blackballed, tarred, feathered, and shown the door. They'll grind your bones to make their bread. Your ass will be grass.

The boss is said to love Nintendo.

This is the deal, you will say to Girl. I will cook the dinner, the dinner to end all dinners, the four hundred dollar home-cooked meal that will determine our fate. I will take the risk of making the first impression. This will require all of my powers. I will have no powers left for the second part of the evening. You, dear my wife, you are the coolest person in the world, while I am but a foolish and tedious skeleton, and my parties are unfit to please the lowliest and most undiscriminating Jimmy Buffet fan. I shall fill the boss with food, but you must fill him with mirth.

"He likes Nintendo, right?" she will ask, sensibly. She is so sensible - that's why this is so difficult! "Can we set up your Wii U out here, in the drawing room or parlor, which I assume you have?"

You have anticipated this question. That's old hat, my darling. Such a boss as he will find no amusement in a console that plebeians have had for so many yonks. He may even be insulted at the lack of effort it displays. No, only the Switch will do.

She will have but one course of action.

Then the fateful day will come. His limousine will arrive, driving past for full twenty minutes. His steps will boom up the front walk. You open the door and there he will stand, seven-piece suit fluttering in the gentle spring breeze. He will duck his head to fit into your doorway. Something, he remarks, smells delicious. He only addresses you by your last name. His wife will be there, too.

After the beefsteaks are eaten and a responsible amount of fine red wine imbibed, Girl shall propose you withdraw to the drawing room or parlor, which I assume you have. You will let him win at Super Bomberman R.

He shall stay for slightly too long, and as he bids you a cheerful goodnight, he will praise your tapas and your taste in Nintendo products. "Henderson must be doing something right!" he will declare, authoritatively. Don't worry about who Henderson is.

Then you just keep the Switch.

The secret is: the boss and his wife were actors you hired. You held auditions at the community performing arts center; you selected the biggest, baldest, jowliest applicant. You rented his elaborate costume and his limo ride. You played hooky to set it up, so now your actual job is in actual jeopardy.

And your wife bought a Switch for your birthday.

Last edited by Bongo; 01-17-2017 at 05:47 PM.
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  #63  
Old 01-17-2017, 02:11 PM
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1. Obtain a sawzall.

2. Cut every object she cares about (except for yourself, although if you're really Doc fucking Terror or something don't let me limit your ambition) in half.

3. Purchase TVs (or framed art).

4. Glue said TVs / art between the halves of all objects.

5. "See how great this is? Imagine if there's a Nintendo that would match all this cool stuff!?!"
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  #64  
Old 01-17-2017, 02:55 PM
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Go out and do a crime that's not bad enough to get sent to jail, not bad enough to have to go tell the neighbours what you did and what lists they can look you up on, but just bad enough that you have to wear one of those monitoring bracelets.

Also (this part is important) it has to be a sympathetic crime thrust upon you by cruel happenstance so that GIRL will feel sorry for you and buy you a Nintendo Switch so you have something to do while waiting to go to trial.
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  #65  
Old 01-17-2017, 06:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Some moron named Torzelbaum who can't do something as simple as pasting text
[BLACK VOID OF NOTHINGNESS]
Oops... Screwed that up.

Here's what I meant to post:


Also, maybe you should give THE FEARFUL ABYSS another chance. It might be right up your alley!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bongo Bill View Post
The boss is coming over for dinner. The big boss. Biggest boss in the land.
Did you find a discarded script for an SNL Bill Brasky skit?
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  #66  
Old 01-17-2017, 09:53 PM
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First you have to learn hypnosis. Then you hypnotize GIRL and convince her she has had a long standing career working PR for Nintendo and her performance review is coming up right after your birthday. She needs to know all of the latest products and services to properly represent Nintendo products to the public so obviously she will buy a switch for work and the two of you will love it so much you keep it forever. Final Step is to use your powers of hypnosis to SAVE THE WORLD, but I'll let you work out those details I can't do all the work for you.
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  #67  
Old 01-18-2017, 04:30 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawnswalker View Post
Go out and do a crime that's not bad enough to get sent to jail, not bad enough to have to go tell the neighbours what you did and what lists they can look you up on, but just bad enough that you have to wear one of those monitoring bracelets.

Also (this part is important) it has to be a sympathetic crime thrust upon you by cruel happenstance so that GIRL will feel sorry for you and buy you a Nintendo Switch so you have something to do while waiting to go to trial.
I suggest brutally beating a guy who was about to abandon a box full full of puppies into mortal peril, that sounds about the right level of crime.

Edit: obviously you skip over the more uncouth parts of the affair and cut straight to a slightly battered BEAT in his living room explaining how his house arrest works to GIRL while she plays with their adorable new puppy.

Last edited by Lucas; 01-18-2017 at 06:28 AM.
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  #68  
Old 01-18-2017, 09:07 AM
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Even if this plan doesn't work to produce a Switch, hey new Puppy!

On the other hand, it means puppies were in peril at all and that dog won't hunt
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  #69  
Old 01-18-2017, 10:00 AM
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Don't worry Octo, BEAT was on the scene so the puppies were never in any real danger.
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  #70  
Old 01-18-2017, 10:34 AM
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YOU GUYS WROTE MORE POSTS AND THEY ALL WENT WRONG. PART 8 OF *COUGH COUGH CLEARS THROAT COUGH*
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerad View Post
Invite GIRL onto one of your Let's Play suggestions, as you do. Then, when she's on and being subjected to the horrible mind-numbing ennui of BAD RATS or the like, you and the Skype Crew start a long conversation about how you wouldn't have to play games that bad if only you had a NINTENDO SWITCH(tm). Watch as the horror of your not having a NINTENDO SWITCH(tm) dawns upon her; it forces you to do things that no sane human/skeleton would do. She must do anything she can to save you from your poor, wretched leisure time activities. And, perhaps, she will!

Just to be safe, make sure to play BAD RATS or the like, moaning inconsolably, at least once a day until NINTENDO SWITCH(tm) release day.
GIRL is just sort of used to me going into the back patio and suffering dearly for my "art" once ever few weeknights or so. For my birthday, she gives me an extremely rare physical copy of Bad Rats Show, which she had to special order from Brazil. "I remember you telling me how proud you were when you finished that thing!" she beams. I tearfully put it on BEAT'S AWESOME STUFF shelf, next to my awesome skeleton sculptures and and other weirdo internet shit that has grown to define me over the years.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bongo Bill (SPOILERPOPPED CUZ LONG) View Post
The boss is coming over for dinner...
The big boss. Biggest boss in the land. They say that if you got a promotion every week, it would take you thirty quarters to reach a height equal to his on the org chart. They say the pilot of his private jet is conveyed to the runway in a private jet of his own. His desk is a mile wide and half a mile deep, and entire divisions are born and die at his whim, as easily as he clenches his buttcheeks.

You must not only feed the boss, plying his palate with the rarest of medium-rare beefsteaks and the most exotic yet homey tapas, but also entertain him, in order to determine the fate of everyone at your place of work. And if the boss is unimpressed, needless to say, you won't last long enough to share in the punishment. You'll be blackballed, tarred, feathered, and shown the door. They'll grind your bones to make their bread. Your ass will be grass.

The boss is said to love Nintendo.

This is the deal, you will say to Girl. I will cook the dinner, the dinner to end all dinners, the four hundred dollar home-cooked meal that will determine our fate. I will take the risk of making the first impression. This will require all of my powers. I will have no powers left for the second part of the evening. You, dear my wife, you are the coolest person in the world, while I am but a foolish and tedious skeleton, and my parties are unfit to please the lowliest and most undiscriminating Jimmy Buffet fan. I shall fill the boss with food, but you must fill him with mirth.

"He likes Nintendo, right?" she will ask, sensibly. She is so sensible - that's why this is so difficult! "Can we set up your Wii U out here, in the drawing room or parlor, which I assume you have?"

You have anticipated this question. That's old hat, my darling. Such a boss as he will find no amusement in a console that plebeians have had for so many yonks. He may even be insulted at the lack of effort it displays. No, only the Switch will do.

She will have but one course of action.

Then the fateful day will come. His limousine will arrive, driving past for full twenty minutes. His steps will boom up the front walk. You open the door and there he will stand, seven-piece suit fluttering in the gentle spring breeze. He will duck his head to fit into your doorway. Something, he remarks, smells delicious. He only addresses you by your last name. His wife will be there, too.

After the beefsteaks are eaten and a responsible amount of fine red wine imbibed, Girl shall propose you withdraw to the drawing room or parlor, which I assume you have. You will let him win at Super Bomberman R.

He shall stay for slightly too long, and as he bids you a cheerful goodnight, he will praise your tapas and your taste in Nintendo products. "Henderson must be doing something right!" he will declare, authoritatively. Don't worry about who Henderson is.

Then you just keep the Switch.

The secret is: the boss and his wife were actors you hired. You held auditions at the community performing arts center; you selected the biggest, baldest, jowliest applicant. You rented his elaborate costume and his limo ride. You played hooky to set it up, so now your actual job is in actual jeopardy.
...And your wife bought a Switch for your birthday.
Everything seems to be going well until the "Boss" gets into the wine. His exaggerated "acting" gets more and more intense until he manages to knock over one of the carefully placed dinner table candles, setting the tablecloth on fire. His frantic attempts to put it out with the hard liquor I had so carelessly left on the counter only make things worse as the flames leap higher and higher!

*FOUR HOURS LATER*

The firemen tell us that while our house can probably be repaired, most of our possessions were lost in the blaze. "Even the Nintendo?" I ask, though in my heart I already know the answer. "Especially the Nintendo" he replies.

"Well look on the bright side," says GIRL. "At least you made a good impression on the boss!"
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sven View Post
1. Obtain a sawzall.

2. Cut every object she cares about (except for yourself, although if you're really Doc fucking Terror or something don't let me limit your ambition) in half.

3. Purchase TVs (or framed art).

4. Glue said TVs / art between the halves of all objects.

5. "See how great this is? Imagine if there's a Nintendo that would match all this cool stuff!?!"
While GIRL places little stock in material goods (as should we all) it was foolish to think that bisecting her Bioluminescent plankton culture in the container shaped like a little dinosaur would result in anything other than disaster.
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  #71  
Old 01-18-2017, 11:13 AM
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I CAN'T BELIEVE IT ALL WENT WRONG. PART 9 OF ...9? (FOR NOW)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucas View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawnswalker View Post
Go out and do a crime that's not bad enough to get sent to jail, not bad enough to have to go tell the neighbours what you did and what lists they can look you up on, but just bad enough that you have to wear one of those monitoring bracelets.

Also (this part is important) it has to be a sympathetic crime thrust upon you by cruel happenstance so that GIRL will feel sorry for you and buy you a Nintendo Switch so you have something to do while waiting to go to trial.
I suggest brutally beating a guy who was about to abandon a box full full of puppies into mortal peril, that sounds about the right level of crime.

Edit: obviously you skip over the more uncouth parts of the affair and cut straight to a slightly battered BEAT in his living room explaining how his house arrest works to GIRL while she plays with their adorable new puppy.
Finding someone on the verge of abandoning puppies is more difficult than advertised. Days are wasted on the water's edge finding nobody but joggers and young couples on romantic walks. The only puppies are on leashes, trotting along with their owners who would never dream of abandoning them.

At long last persistence pays off, and I catch someone planning to toss a bagfull of adorable puppies into the water. "You fiend! I bellow, and give him a righteous thrashing! The puppies are saved! the cruel man who would have drowned them flees the scene in shame! Victory is mine!

Only problem is, I forgot to call the police to let them know that I was about to commit a felony to ensure the safety of a bunch of adorable puppies. And when I show up at the station the next day with a box of adorable puppies claiming I just righteously thrashed a bad man who would have drowned them, please arrest me for violence-ing, they all roll their eyes and tell me they don't have time for some idiot dog owner's delusions of grandeur. "I mean really" they say, "try to come up with a story that's just a little less cliched. Saving puppies about to be drowned in the river? Riiiiight, that happened."

The next three weeks are spent cleaning up the accidents the puppies leave on my living room floor while waiting for people to respond to my free puppies to a good home ads. GIRL glares at me and reminds me that we talked about how neither of us wanted pets before we got married. My allergies to animal hair have never been worse, and I am woken at 3:30 every morning by all of them deciding to bark incessantly at nothing in particular. I feel nothing but contempt for the tiny yapping fiends that have ruined my life!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
Even if this plan doesn't work to produce a Switch, hey new Puppy!

On the other hand, it means puppies were in peril at all and that dog won't hunt
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucas View Post
Don't worry Octo, BEAT was on the scene so the puppies were never in any real danger.
I know in my darkest heart I did the right thing to save those puppies.

But sometimes, as I clean up another accident at 4 AM while the whole lot of them flip out over a stray cat one of them saw out the window...

Sometimes I wonder.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Torzelbaum View Post
Oops... Screwed that up.

Here's what I meant to post:
[NINTENDO CEREAL]
NO EFFECT. GIRL already did the grocery shopping this week, and got me the Special K with strawberries. Plus, most mornings I just drink and orange Juice and eat a banana.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sporophyte View Post
First you have to learn hypnosis. Then you hypnotize GIRL and convince her she has had a long standing career working PR for Nintendo and her performance review is coming up right after your birthday. She needs to know all of the latest products and services to properly represent Nintendo products to the public so obviously she will buy a switch for work and the two of you will love it so much you keep it forever. Final Step is to use your powers of hypnosis to SAVE THE WORLD, but I'll let you work out those details I can't do all the work for you.
NO EFFECT. I don't have any of those cool Asian coins with a hole through the center, or old-style pocket watches handy, so I make do by hot-glue-gunning a quarter to the end of a length of string. it's a little lopsided and ungainly, but hey, the dangling a round thing is like, the least important part of hypnosis, right? Well, I'll never know for sure, as dangling it in front of her while shouting "YOU ARE GETTING SLEEEEEEEPPPYYYY" only resulted in her getting a free quarter. Attempts to save the world have been similarly unsuccessful.
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  #72  
Old 01-18-2017, 12:56 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
[B]While GIRL places little stock in material goods (as should we all) it was foolish to think that bisecting her Bioluminescent plankton culture in the container shaped like a little dinosaur would result in anything other than disaster.
... oh, shit, did I just cause you to unleash The Blob on civilization?
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  #73  
Old 01-19-2017, 07:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
While GIRL places little stock in material goods (as should we all) it was foolish to think that bisecting her Bioluminescent plankton culture in the container shaped like a little dinosaur would result in anything other than disaster.
I've been seeing ads for these things for so long! They look so cool.

Get a red one*, arrange them around the TV and then later jokingly point out how you could get the red and blue Switch to match the setup.

*(yes, I know there isn't red bioluminescence shut up)
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  #74  
Old 03-30-2017, 08:17 PM
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IT WORKED.
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  #75  
Old 03-30-2017, 08:21 PM
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Hmm... Your sheplanigans rarely work that well...
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  #76  
Old 03-30-2017, 10:20 PM
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Please post what plan worked so I can reproduce and confirm your findings.
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  #77  
Old 03-30-2017, 10:52 PM
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Just had a shocking realization: plans all revolved around getting the Nintendo Switch, but did any involve actually getting games for the dang thing?
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  #78  
Old 03-30-2017, 10:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Positronic Brain View Post
Please post what plan worked so I can reproduce and confirm your findings.
Step 1: Marry BEAT's wife
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  #79  
Old 03-31-2017, 10:06 AM
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But that requries Step 0 : wait for polygamy to be legal in Florida. (If it isn't already.)
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  #80  
Old 03-31-2017, 04:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by muteKi View Post
Just had a shocking realization: plans all revolved around getting the Nintendo Switch, but did any involve actually getting games for the dang thing?
Mine did.
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