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  #31  
Old 01-13-2017, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Pajaro Pete View Post
tell her your Internet Friend Zachary "Pajaro Pete" Turnipfritters is dying and his final wish is for you to own a Nintendo Switch.
omg I'll preorder one for BEAT right now

HOLD ON TURNIP WE'LL SAVE YA
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  #32  
Old 01-13-2017, 05:06 PM
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Tell her you want an "innocent widths."

She's smart. She'll figure out the anagram.
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  #33  
Old 01-13-2017, 06:13 PM
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I would go with the "engagement ring in the champagne glass" method, except you use a ring engraved with "Please sell this and get your husband a Nintendo Switch with the money. Love you!"
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  #34  
Old 01-13-2017, 06:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaeran View Post
Quietly sabotage a light switch in the BEATPALACE
Did BEAT upgrade from the BEATPAD? And did he do that by taking the D off the sign and replacing it with LACE?

Quote:
Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
I just want to say I'm overjoyed by every single one of your suggestions to turn my life into a Sitcom B Plot, and I'm very happy I made this thread.
Wait... Are you saying your life isn't already like that?
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  #35  
Old 01-13-2017, 10:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Vaeran View Post
Take out a personal ad

"Attractive young couple interested in play w/ Switch; must be clean and discreet"
I just want to repost this one because it is literally a sitcom b-plot, but I can't for the life of me recall which show it was, the only real difference being that they thought the person on the ad just wanted to watch tv
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  #36  
Old 01-13-2017, 11:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
Violent, that is NOT a series wildly irresponsible sitcom-esque suggestions.

I'm going to let you re-do the assignment for full credit, but this is your final warning.
Um

Um

I left it on the bus.

And then my dog ate it.

The bus, I mean.

I have a large dog.
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  #37  
Old 01-13-2017, 11:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
Add the Jimmy Smits comedy opus "Switch" to your Netflix queue.
While Octo's other suggestions are truly excellent ideas, I'd have to seriously recommend against this one on the grounds that in my grand quest to watch every movie I've ever been vaguely aware existed but don't know anyone who's ever seen, I learned that said film ends with Jimmy Smits raping the main character, who then proceeds to avoid condemnation to hell by carrying the resulting baby to term in spite of being told that doing so will result in a 100% chance of death. So that is really not a movie to use for the delivery of any subtle messages (or anything else, seriously, it's @#$%ing vile). Plus I'm 90% sure Netflix doesn't stock it.

Alternate ideas:

- Make like infomercials! Use a ton of duct tape to attach your 3DS to a gaming console controller (ideally wired and actively attached to the console in question), and blunder about comically while loudly asking "Isn't there an easier way?"

- Show her this thread, citing it as a source of amusing comedy anecdotes, and hope that she gleans some ulterior motive, perhaps from the title.
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  #38  
Old 01-14-2017, 11:50 AM
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My mom would like to suggest a "Tit for Tat" approach. Advise you'll get her something of equal worth for her birthday/anniversery/Valentine's Day.
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  #39  
Old 01-14-2017, 01:16 PM
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Another Nintendo Switch?!
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  #40  
Old 01-14-2017, 05:13 PM
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Ask GIRL what she wants for GIRLday. Then ask her a second time, to make it clear that polite non-answers are not on the table.

If you need to press the issue, present her with a hypothetical scenario such as that you've got four hundred dollars that have been cursed by a fairy king or an evil swami to cause a deadly explosion if they're spent on anything but a GIRLday present, and will turn to worthless cheeto dust if saved. Or maybe ask her what she'd get if she were her own wife.

Take a genuine interest in her answer. Steer it to a direction of things you both know that she is the only one in this marriage to care about, and learn some details. When it comes to marriage improvements, "What's something that matters to you, but only matters to me because of the transitive property?" has other benefits besides the abundant opportunities to drop hints about upcoming Nintendo products. The goal here is to get to a situation where talking about birthday presents is such a natural and interesting topic that she reciprocates your question, except that she's talking about BEATday instead.
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  #41  
Old 01-14-2017, 06:48 PM
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Alternatively, you could get an anonymous source to send your wife a link to this thread.
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  #42  
Old 01-14-2017, 07:04 PM
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Just chiming in that while I agree with the basic premise of this one I want to make a slight modification for that

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bongo Bill View Post
If you need to press the issue, present her with a hypothetical scenario such as that you've got four hundred dollars that have been cursed by a fairy king or an evil swami to cause a deadly explosion if they're spent on anything but a GIRLday present, and will turn to worthless cheeto dust if saved.
Explain it to her as a Steel Ball Run situation
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  #43  
Old 01-16-2017, 01:23 AM
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"You know, I've always wondered what it would be like to be a dairy farmer"
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  #44  
Old 01-16-2017, 04:21 AM
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Have a skeleton stand outside your window, holding a laptop playing the Nintendo Switch Direct over its head, Say Anything style.
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  #45  
Old 01-16-2017, 07:55 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ludendorkk View Post
"You know, I've always wondered what it would be like to be a dairy farmer"
How appropriate. You fight like a cow!
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  #46  
Old 01-16-2017, 05:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Violentvixen View Post
Um

Um

I left it on the bus.

And then my dog ate it.

The bus, I mean.

I have a large dog.
Uh... My homework was also on that bus. VV's dog is crazy large!

Here's my idea:
1. Tell GIRL that there's a very important video you want her to see.
2. Send her this video

3. When she is rightfully confused say "Oops! I meant to send that to someone else. I guess I must have SWITCHed the links." while giving her an exaggerated wink.
4. Send her a link to some other video that she will actually find interesting or entertaining. Like something cool since she's so cool. Be sure to mention how cool she is and confidently state that you're sure such a cool person will know exactly what to get you for your birthday.
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  #47  
Old 01-17-2017, 04:45 AM
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Perhaps were overthinking this. Maybe just start using the word "Switch" the way the kids today use "cool" or "gnarly" or "the cats pajamas". This may instill a Pavlovian reaction in your wife where she associates the word Switch with all things that are good.

Then you play the waiting game.
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  #48  
Old 01-17-2017, 06:11 AM
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IT ALL GOES WRONG: PART 1 OF ???

Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
Clearly your best bet is some good ol' subliminal messages.

Make GIRL a bowl of Alpha Bits for breakfast, making sure that the only letters in the bowl spell out "NINTENDO SWITCH".

Add the Jimmy Smits comedy opus "Switch" to your Netflix queue.

While working on a crossword puzzle as for help on a six letter word for a branch.
NO EFFECT. Girl does not "read" her cereal, she found the Jimmy Smits movie crass and tasteless, pointed out that "Branch" has 6 letters.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
Put a stripe of tape down the middle of your home. Say that one is the SEGA side, and one is the NINTENDO side. Make sure the Nintendo side is utterly barren.

"Sure would be nice to have something in that side of the house, eh, GIRL?"
Six Months later...
ANY PERSON DROPPING BY BEATPAD: So uh... why is half of your house decorated entirely with Nintendo branded furniture? Where did you even get a Mario couch and a mario kitchen set?
GIRL: Oh, that's the Nintendo side.
BEAT: *Nervous Laughter*
Quote:
Originally Posted by Patrick View Post
Part of the problem might be that you're showing her bad games?? I don't have a solution for this problem.
NO EFFECT. Turns out ALL video games are bad.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
Present GIRL with a treasure map that came from "A wizened old prospector who died in your arms" (don't worry, you drew the map, the prospector is fine), and instead of being a regular map, it's a series of riddles and clues that lead to a great treasure. All the riddles are about all the fun you can have playing Nintendo games, and the final challenge is to buy you a Nintendo Switch.

Turns out the real treasure was your friendship.
Things seemed to be going well until about the halfway point where suddenly the whole thing turned into the ovaltine bit from A Christmas Story. "A CRUMMY COMMERCIAL?!" resounded through the house. The decoder ring was later found in the garbage.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GoggleBob View Post
Every time you use the word "switch" in casual conversation, emphasize it to a ridiculous degree.

"Hey, how's our phone plan? Do you think we should SWITCH to another carrier?"
"It seems like we always sleep on the same sides of the bed. Let's SWITCH."
"I dunno, it seems like we've been eating a lot of chicken recently, maybe we should SWITCH it up."

If she asks why you're doing that, simply respond, "Oh, no reason. Or IS THERE!?" Occasionally leave the room while announcing, "TO BE CONTINUED..."

That oughtta do it.
My wife now emphasizes the word CHANGE in normal conversation. It's become one of those cute in-jokes that couples have that make no sense to anyone else. Still no nintendo.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
Present GIRL with a book, but warn her not to read it because there is a monster at the end of the book.

Keep becoming increasingly distressed every time she turns a page and do more and more to try to convince her not to reach the end of the book.

Then when she eventually does open the last page (human curiosity being as it is) it's a Frankenstein saying "I don't own a Nintendo Switch".
GIRL: I don't get it.
BEAT: It's like that sesame street book. You know, the one about grover?
GIRL: I don't think I read that one.
BEAT and GIRL then got into a big discussion about how could ANYONE have POSSIBLY not read the monster at the end of this book as a kid.
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  #49  
Old 01-17-2017, 06:49 AM
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IT ALL GOES TERRIBLY WRONG: PART 2 OF IDFK
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaeran View Post
Quietly sabotage a light switch in the BEATPALACE and then pretend to discover it while she's paying attention. Bemoan the fact that you'll just have to go to the store to get a new one, well come on honey we'd better get going it'll be dark soon and the freaks come out at night. At the store wander over to the electronics section and act surprised and delighted when you find the object of your desires. "Oh look honey Nintendo is making switches now, we should get this because their hardware is always very reliable." Move quickly but calmly towards the checkout while regaling her with tales of Nintendo's line of indestructible products, like that one Game Boy from the letters column in Nintendo Power that got blown up in Iraq but could still play Tetris. The idea is to keep her off-balance and distracted so she can't ask questions like "why is this $300" and "this doesn't look like a light switch" and "why does it have a fucking Mario on the front."

When you get it home you need to really sell the idea that you're trying to use this fucking video game machine to replace the broken light switch. Take everything out of the box and spread it out on the floor while poring intently over the instructions. Wear a tape measure on your belt and have a bunch of manly stuff around, like hammers and a bandsaw and some raw meat, and mutter things like "son of a bitch!" to yourself. You didn't marry no dummy so she will obviously have her doubts as to your chances of successfully replacing the light switch, but you'll look like you're trying so hard that she just won't have the heart to say anything. After several hours make a show of reluctantly admitting defeat. Replacing a light switch is impossible and you were a fool to ever try. But you know what might make you feel better? A little Zelda action.
It was THIS CLOSE to suceess when suddenly she glanced at the shelf next to the one I was trying to get the switch from.

"Hey wait, this one's $50.00 cheaper."

14 hours of backbreaking work later, our living room ceiling fixture now works fine, thanks to our brand new lightswitch built out of the gutted and jerryrigged pieces of an XBOX One.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady View Post
go on a walk through the mall with GIRL and happen to fall down and sprain your ankle in front of a Gamestop window display showing Switch. Fall in a way that your body points into a direct line to the advertisement as you grab your foot and howl in pain.

Point out that this means you can't do any physical activities for a while. Say 'This is going to be the most boring 4-6 weeks ever! I wish I could switch out my video games for some new ones'
2 Days into my recovery process, girl comes by and tells me she has a surprise. "You mentioned you wanted to SWITCH out your old video games with some new ones while you slowly heal! Well let me help you to the living room and show you what I've done!"

My PS4 has been replaced with a Tiny NES.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Solitayre View Post
Acquire multiple fliers or advertisements for the Nintendo Switch and put them in places she can't help but see them. On her nightstand, in her car, her computer monitor, the inside of her closet, etc.

When she asks where all these fliers came from, deny knowing anything about it in a pompous and overblown fashion.
NO EFFECT. During her Sunday Ritual of Coupon Clipping, she asks me to take all the trash from the newspapers to the garbage for her while she snips out another load of SAVINGS. All the fliers are in there. She mentions in passing that there were a lot of useless, coupon-free ads in this week's paper.
Quote:
Originally Posted by muteKi View Post
Duct tape a wii remote to an iPad. Call in GIRL and tell her you have developed a prototype for the most awesome piece of hardware you've ever seen. Ask if you two can investigate patents to see if your idea has already been done. Find the patents filed for the Nintendo Switch design. Note that these designs are very similar to the idea you just had. Act dejected and sad that your idea already exists
Girl immediately calls a patent attorney, and through skillful maniuplations of legal loopholes, Sues Nintendo for Patent Infringement and Corporate Espionage. We win, and Nintendo is forced to cancel the switch release. Our new product, THE UNTENDO CHANGE does not sell as well as I'd hoped.
Quote:
Originally Posted by madhair60 View Post
Walk into the bathroom and say "NOW THAT I'M ALONE, I CAN TALK TO YOU, MIRROR BEAT, ABOUT THE NINTENDO SWITCH THAT I DESIRE SO MUCH TO HAVE FOR MY BIRTHDAY"
NO EFFECT. Turns out nobody wants to hear any of the sounds anyone makes in a bathroom.
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  #50  
Old 01-17-2017, 07:11 AM
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IT ALL GOES HORRIBLY WRONG: PART 3 OF NUMBERS
Quote:
Originally Posted by Guild View Post
Conjure money by forming a circle of salt bisected by a wave, representing water and the flow of the material planes, chant and snap your fingers while you light candles along the seven points of power facing the stars of the sister constellation and drip a container of green paint onto the floor in cool looking patterns, then post the time-lapse and slowdown videos on youtube for clickview money.
My youtube jumps to 100 thousand subscribers from various hot topic satanists. All of them then immediately unsubscribe once they realize I'm just a Z-tier Hobbiest Let's Player. My adsense account gets me a total of 3 bucks for the views.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThornGhost View Post
Fake falling asleep at night and begin "sleeptalking". Start off innocuous with something like "GIRL is the prettiest girl I know."

When she asks you about it, laugh and say you haven't had issues with sleep talking for a while, but what you know about it is that you always say exactly what you're feeling and thinking about.

Over the next couple of weeks, increase the sleep talking. Thrash around a bit to make sure she wakes up and notices while saying truthful things.

"Skeletons are the coolest."

"Lowercase characters are for the weak."

"Falselogic should cook his hot dogs."

Then, the kicker:

"I hope GIRL gets me a Nintendo Switch for my birthday available at Gamestop and online for $299.99 MSRP also Zelda"

This will only backfire if in the future you actually sleeptalk and say something weird.
Birthday comes and goes with no Nintendo. Curious as to how my plan could have possibly failed, I ask GIRL if she's noticed my sleep-talking.

"Oh yeah, all the time. Weird stuff too about like, dragons and bar fights and dying in space? Dying in space shows up a LOT, actually. You might have also mentioned a Nintendo once? IDK I just tune it out these days".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawnswalker View Post
The only problem with all of these plans is that they put the burden of entering a NERD STORE to buy NERD THINGS on GIRL, which is not fair.

So instead ask her for $400 worth of Newman's Own Ranch Dressing, and tell her it has to be bought fresh from a store that has a 14 day return policy in cash with receipt because that's how you know they give you the good stuff and not the Newman's Factory Seconds or whatever.

When you receive $400 of Newman's Own Ranch Dressing for your birthday, return it to the store and use your $400 cash to buy a Nintendo Switch and Zelda.
The local supermarket laughs in my face when I attempt to return 100% bottles of ranch dressing. The next 10 months are spent in bitter agony, as every meal I eat is coated in unhealthy amounts of ranch, lest it "Go to waste".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pajaro Pete View Post
just buy it for yourself, geez dude
And put GIRLs name on it! And then try to convince her she had amnesia that only affected purchases! And only selectively!
Quote:
Originally Posted by krelbel View Post
Buy it for yourself, put her name on the order, thank her profusely for it. She'll think she bought it and just forgot about it. This is guaranteed not to fail.
GIRL: Wait no, that's not what I got you.
BEAT: *Nervous Laugh* What? Suuuure it is!
GIRL: Did my identity get stolen? I'm canceling my credit card. Send that box back to amazon.
BEAT: defeated Oh.... okay.
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  #51  
Old 01-17-2017, 07:22 AM
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You want your wife to buy you Nintendo? Nintendo is worth like $18 billion, I don't care how cool she is that is going to break your household budget.

Although if Beat did get Nintendo, we would definitely get a new Bangai-O for Switch. Maybe we can set up a gofundme or something...
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  #52  
Old 01-17-2017, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
IT ALL GOES TERRIBLY WRONG: PART 2 OF IDFK

2 Days into my recovery process, girl comes by and tells me she has a surprise. "You mentioned you wanted to SWITCH out your old video games with some new ones while you slowly heal! Well let me help you to the living room and show you what I've done!"

My PS4 has been replaced with a Tiny NES.
Dang, you scalp that and it'll practically pay for the Switch!
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  #53  
Old 01-17-2017, 10:45 AM
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IT ALL GOES TERRIBLY HORRIBLY WRONG: PART 4 OF 4EVER
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pajaro Pete View Post
alternately: invite local talking tyrants to come hang out, and have one of them casually use the word "switch" in a sentence, but have them snap their fingers like in the presentation when they do. then you respond the same way (use switch in a sentence and snap when you say it), then go back and forth until GIRL is like "what the fuck is wrong with y'all" and then the talking tyrant friend will be like "it's from nintendo's new thing, oh hold on i'll show you" and they can get out their phone to show GIRL the switch presentation.

beforehand, you and the tyrant will have practiced all of the iconic moments from the presentation so you can sort of act it out together while GIRL is watching, and she'll see how passionate you are about the Nintendo switch entertainment system
GIRL is charmed by our routine, but doesn't bother to link it back to some sort of hidden desire for new video game systems. Encourages BEAT and TYRANT to try out for local theater. Both of us end up having important roles in that summer's production of Titus Andronicus.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pajaro Pete View Post
tell her your Internet Friend Zachary "Pajaro Pete" Turnipfritters is dying and his final wish is for you to own a Nintendo Switch.
omg I'll preorder one for BEAT right now

HOLD ON TURNIP WE'LL SAVE YA
GIRL immediately buys 2 plane tickets for us to go to Zachary "Pajaro Pete" Turnipfritters home, so that we might visit him before it's too late. Zachary "Pajaro Pete" Turnipfritters and BEAT now must find a way to make it look like Zachary "Pajaro Pete" Turnipfritters has a terminal illness without disrupting Zachary "Pajaro Pete" Turnipfritters daily life with his family. Eventually the whole thing falls apart when Everybody is in the same room at once and BEAT is left trying to haplessly explain how this whole thing was once about getting a Nintendo.

On the upside, Turnip Enjoys his new Nintendo very much. Very generous of you Lady.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pajaro Pete View Post
go out to eat with GIRL and hire a couple of actresses to sit at the table next to you and have a loud discussion about what to buy husbands for their birthday. one should loudly talk about how she bought her husband a switch for his birthday and how much he loves it (it's essential that she somehow works in that her husband is your age and has a similar job as you). she'll also talk about how much she enjoys the switch as well and convince the other actress to buy her husband a switch for his birthday.
NO EFFECT. GIRL asks the waiter if we can move to a seat at the bar, because "that one table is being awfully loud".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaeran View Post
Take out a personal ad

"Attractive young couple interested in play w/ Switch; must be clean and discreet"
BEAT has a very awkward conversation with GIRL about why no less than 5 people have knocked on their door tonight, and why all of them felt the need to tell us that they had brought their own handcuffs and ballgags.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Teaspoon View Post
Purchase space on a billboard.

This will have the helpful side effect of assisting other spouses in the same predicament!
NO EFFECT. "Huh" thinks girl as she drives past the new Billboard on the nearest highway. "Those ads get more desperate every year".
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  #54  
Old 01-17-2017, 11:03 AM
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IT'S ALL CIRCLING IN THE DRAIN: PART 5 OF AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Quote:
Originally Posted by MagFlare View Post
Tell her you want an "innocent widths."

She's smart. She'll figure out the anagram.
GIRL presents BEAT with a package from the little-known Cambodian startup INNOCENT WIGHTS & SONS FISHING CO, which was named by running the founder's name through babblefish 400 times. It's a very nice tacklebox and 1000 feet of fishing line. "I wasn't aware you were into fishing, thank god for google!" she beams.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenny View Post
I would go with the "engagement ring in the champagne glass" method, except you use a ring engraved with "Please sell this and get your husband a Nintendo Switch with the money. Love you!"
GIRL immediately does what she threatened to do If I bought her an engagement ring when I first asked her to marry me: Take it back to the store and exchange it for one she actually likes.

"I mean we talked about this", she says as I glumly watch the carefully engraved message get melted down into some piece of much better jewellery. "I love you, but you have NO sense of fashion when it comes to jewelry".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Violentvixen View Post
Um

Um

I left it on the bus.

And then my dog ate it.

The bus, I mean.

I have a large dog.
Violent if you're not going to take this class seriously then I have no choice but to *IS CUT OFF BY THE CRASHING AND BREAKING OF METAL AND CONCRETE AS VIOLENT'S APOCALYPTICALLY LARGE DOG BEGINS EATING THE SCHOOL BUILDING WHOLE*.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Googleshng View Post
Make like infomercials! Use a ton of duct tape to attach your 3DS to a gaming console controller (ideally wired and actively attached to the console in question), and blunder about comically while loudly asking "Isn't there an easier way?"
"THERE IS!" The infomercial announcer voice proclaims, as all of my video game toys are consumed in a flash of light, only to be replaced by a book of 5000 crossword puzzles.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Daikaiju View Post
My mom would like to suggest a "Tit for Tat" approach. Advise you'll get her something of equal worth for her birthday/anniversery/Valentine's Day.
You have completely misunderstood the purpose of this exercise, which is to create a scenario where I irreparably damage my most treasured relationship by treating life as though it's an episode of a TV sitcom.

Last edited by BEAT; 01-17-2017 at 01:29 PM.
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  #55  
Old 01-17-2017, 12:19 PM
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"Oh, honey," you say plaintively "I've accidentally left [expensive fragile item] in the driveway, as I so often do!" GIRL looks out the window to see [expensive fragile item] laying in harms' way! "But don't worry, I'll get it to safety!"

IMMEDIATELY THE EARTH SHAKES WITH THE THUNDERING INTRO TO GEORGE THOROGOOD AND THE DESTROYERS' "BAD TO THE BONE" AS NONE OTHER THAN TELEVISION'S ED O'NEILL PULLS INTO THE DRIVEWAY ON HIS CUSTOM HARLEY FATBOY O B L I T E R A T I N G YOUR WIFE'S VALUABLE [THING]!!!!!!!!

"Ho, Villain," you cry "That [thing] was my wife's favorite! I challenge you, style versus style, my Rhee-school Taekwondo against your Gracie Jiu Jitsu, to the finish!"

"You got it, punk," roars Television's Ed O'Neill, "but I want to make it interesting! We each pony up $149.995 and purchase Nintendo's new Switch console! The winner walks away with his pride AND the most audacious blend of home and mobile gaming this hardware generation!"

"I have no idea what made you pick the Nintendo Switch, with its seamless online integration and six-hour battery life (perfect for active adults on the go,) but you've got it, O'Neill!"

GIRL will understand the debt of hono(u)r, never suspecting that you and Television's Ed O'Neill have conspired together for the ultimate swerve!
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  #56  
Old 01-17-2017, 01:06 PM
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I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M ACTUALLY TAKING THE TIME TO TELL YOU HOW ALL OF THESE GO WRONG: PART 6 OF OH GOD
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bongo Bill View Post
Ask GIRL what she wants for GIRLday. Then ask her a second time, to make it clear that polite non-answers are not on the table.

If you need to press the issue, present her with a hypothetical scenario such as that you've got four hundred dollars that have been cursed by a fairy king or an evil swami to cause a deadly explosion if they're spent on anything but a GIRLday present, and will turn to worthless cheeto dust if saved. Or maybe ask her what she'd get if she were her own wife.

Take a genuine interest in her answer. Steer it to a direction of things you both know that she is the only one in this marriage to care about, and learn some details. When it comes to marriage improvements, "What's something that matters to you, but only matters to me because of the transitive property?" has other benefits besides the abundant opportunities to drop hints about upcoming Nintendo products. The goal here is to get to a situation where talking about birthday presents is such a natural and interesting topic that she reciprocates your question, except that she's talking about BEATday instead.
Bongobill, that is NOT a series of wildly irresponsible sitcom-esque suggestions.

I'm going to let you re-do the assignment for full credit, but this is your final warning.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bongo Bill View Post
Alternatively, you could get an anonymous source to send your wife a link to this thread.
C-. See me after class I know you can do better.
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Originally Posted by muteKi View Post
Explain it to her as a Steel Ball Run situation
Plans for a RACE ACROSS AMERICA aided by WEIRD SUPER POWERS have fallen through. My STAND (a Skeleton that can increase it's power by absorbing all the rage in the area) makes me effectively invincible, but has not proven to be helpful in teaching me how to ride a horse. Her STAND (a kitten that finds incredible savings at all major retaliers) is more practical, but again, not very useful in a horse race. Also some asshole turned me into a dinosaur.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jeanie View Post
Have a skeleton stand outside your window, holding a laptop playing the Nintendo Switch Direct over its head, Say Anything style.
NO EFFECT. GIRL told me to quit fooling around with our Halloween decorations.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ludendorkk View Post
"You know, I've always wondered what it would be like to be a dairy farmer"
We now live in a farm in Southern Wisconsin. It is a difficult living, but an honest one. Every morning we have to get up at 5AM to clean the stalls and milk Bessie, Bossy, Bonnie, Bona, Bonita, & Bessie II the Bessening. Then it's time to take everyone out to pasture, check our feed stores and maybe if we're lucky we'll have time to paint the barn. Video Games? Hah! Distractions we no longer have time for!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerad View Post
How appropriate. You fight like a cow!
GIRL: What.
BEAT: No like see, it's a reference to this old LucasArts Game Called-
GIRL: did you just call me a cow?
BEAT: No! I mean, yes, but only in refrence to this old LucasArts G-
GIRL: YOU JUST CALLED ME A COW BECAUSE OF THE STAR WARS GUY?!
BEAT: NO! I MEAN YES BUT ONLY BECAUSE IT WOULD SOMEHOW GET ME A NINTENDO
GIRL: WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!
BEAT: I DON'T KNOW ANYMORE!
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  #57  
Old 01-17-2017, 01:19 PM
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THE VERY LAST HOW IT ALL GOES WRONG UNLESS YOU GUYS WRITE MORE POSTS I GUESS: PART 7 OF 7(FOR NOW?)
Quote:
Originally Posted by Torzelbaum View Post
1. Tell GIRL that there's a very important video you want her to see.
2. Send her this video
[BLACK VOID OF NOTHINGNESS]
3. When she is rightfully confused say "Oops! I meant to send that to someone else. I guess I must have SWITCHed the links." while giving her an exaggerated wink.
4. Send her a link to some other video that she will actually find interesting or entertaining. Like something cool since she's so cool. Be sure to mention how cool she is and confidently state that you're sure such a cool person will know exactly what to get you for your birthday.
GIRL picked up on the hint and watched the video very closely. For my birthday, gave me tickets to something called THE FEARFUL ABYSS a black pit of endless terror that is said to lead directly to the space between the stars. "I just knew you'd love it!" she beams as I whimperingly step into oblivion.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
Perhaps were overthinking this. Maybe just start using the word "Switch" the way the kids today use "cool" or "gnarly" or "the cats pajamas". This may instill a Pavlovian reaction in your wife where she associates the word Switch with all things that are good.

Then you play the waiting game.
NO EFFECT. She picks up on this new verbal tic and then goes one further by replacing words that mean bad with "Constant" and the word "The" with "My". Communication rapidly becomes impossible. Then for my birthday she gives me a goldfish.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lady View Post
Dang, you scalp that [tiny NES] and it'll practically pay for the Switch!
My Ebay Account is immediately hacked, and my house broken into by a gang of nostalgia obsessed 30-something collectors. When they see that the Tiny NES has already been removed from the box, and is no longer in "mint" condition, they fly into a rage and burn our house down.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ample Vigour View Post
"Oh, honey," you say plaintively "I've accidentally left [expensive fragile item] in the driveway, as I so often do!" GIRL looks out the window to see [expensive fragile item] laying in harms' way! "But don't worry, I'll get it to safety!"

IMMEDIATELY THE EARTH SHAKES WITH THE THUNDERING INTRO TO GEORGE THOROGOOD AND THE DESTROYERS' "BAD TO THE BONE" AS NONE OTHER THAN TELEVISION'S ED O'NEILL PULLS INTO THE DRIVEWAY ON HIS CUSTOM HARLEY FATBOY O B L I T E R A T I N G YOUR WIFE'S VALUABLE [THING]!!!!!!!!

"Ho, Villain," you cry "That [thing] was my wife's favorite! I challenge you, style versus style, my Rhee-school Taekwondo against your Gracie Jiu Jitsu, to the finish!"

"You got it, punk," roars Television's Ed O'Neill, "but I want to make it interesting! We each pony up $149.995 and purchase Nintendo's new Switch console! The winner walks away with his pride AND the most audacious blend of home and mobile gaming this hardware generation!"

"I have no idea what made you pick the Nintendo Switch, with its seamless online integration and six-hour battery life (perfect for active adults on the go,) but you've got it, O'Neill!"

GIRL will understand the debt of hono(u)r, never suspecting that you and Television's Ed O'Neill have conspired together for the ultimate swerve!
Television's Ed O'Neill comes to an eleventh hour realization that worked fights are for pussies, and that if he kicks my ass FOR REAL right now, it will prove to the internet that he's a legit badass forever! My TKD, which has always really been a means of volunteering at my church serves me... poorly. I am broken, as if upon the wheel.

There is no Nintendo in my hospital room.
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  #58  
Old 01-17-2017, 01:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BEAT View Post
There is no Nintendo in my hospital room.
I can tell you're plumbing a dark place for this. And I appreciate that.
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  #59  
Old 01-17-2017, 01:25 PM
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The temptation to send your wife a link to this entire discussion is pretty overwhelming
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  #60  
Old 01-17-2017, 01:35 PM
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Default BOY I SURE HOPE NOBODY HIGHLIGHTS THIS POST.

YOU WOULDN'T DARE!

Realtalk: I totally showed her this thread the night I made it (because lol) and I'm totally gonna show her what I did with it tonight (also because lol).

But I am terrified to admit to this fact outside of this CLEVERLY HIDDEN SECRET MESSAGE because what if that makes people stop writing wonderfully hilarious sugesstions oh nooooooooo. I will bear the weight of this falsehood for the sake of getting to write more dumb ways for every single suggestion to horribly fail. This is my gift. This is my sacrifice.

Last edited by BEAT; 01-17-2017 at 01:35 PM. Reason: THAT WOULD BE JUST AWFUL BECAUSE CLEARLY THERE IS NOTHING HIDDEN HERE AT ALL.
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inception , kansas city shuffle , keyboard vomit from beat , mind games , nintendo bait , the ol' switcheroo , wife switch

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