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You come at the King-Hat, you best not miss: The Top Ten Paul F. Tompkins Characters
- Thread starter Octopus Prime
- Start date
Yes, let's do!
11. CAKE BOSS
"Cake-boss"
(1 vote, Thornghost)
Weirdo: Yes
Special Talents:
Clairvoyance
Necromancy
Lycanthropy
Beacon of all goodness in the universe
Gifted Patisserie Chef
Reality TV host
Relationship to Scott Aukerman: Benign
Buddy Valastro is a regular guest on Comedy Bang-Bang, and also the titular boss of cakes from the TV show Cakeboss. As his name implies, he is very good at baking cakes, to the point that they sometimes become sentient, and in one instance, were sufficient to cause extra terrestrial life to contact him. That we could all be so gifted in the culinary arts.
Because he spends so much time baking, he has naturally encountered and been bitten by all manner of common kitchen pests such as Cake Scarabs, Cake Bugs, Cake Wolves and also a zombie; which have respectfully given him the ability to speak to and channel the dead, the second sight to behold the future, the power to turn into a werewolf under the full moons light and... I'unno, do zombie stuff, I guess. He was also briefly possessed by the spirit of HR Giger, but his body proved to be too toxic an environment for the artist as Cake Boss and Giger wield the exact opposite personalities.
Cakeboss is a big fan of Scott Auckerman, though he's apparently incapable of pronouncing his name correctly, and also he has to repeat his own name whenever anyone else says it; even when possessed by the spirits of the dead.
Who Would Win in a Fight:
Despite his overwhelming supernatural powers, Cake Boss would not intentionally harm anyone. So in a fight between all PFT roles, this would be his to lose.
He wouldn't hurt anyone but I think he would stop the fight through non-violent means - like baking a cake that so enamors his opponent PFT role that it would stop fighting immediately in order to start having and eating the cake.
If his opponent were to use his seemingly involuntary verbal tick of repeating his name whenever it was spoken, it may prove to be his downfall in a close fight. That said, I could see Cake Boss (Cake Boss!) making it pretty far in this tournament.
#10 GARRY MARSHALL
"Please, Call Me Garry"
(Voted by Thornghost and Patrick)
Weird: No
Special Talents:
Dimensional Travel
TV Producer
Proficiency at Monster Hunting
Pleasant Casual Conversationalist
Relationship to Scott Aukerman: Benign, though he had a complicated romantic past with frequent guest Gillian Jacobs
My knowledge of Garry Marshall is somewhat limited, as I only started listening to CBB shortly before Paul retired the character out of respect for the actual Garry Marshalls death.
Garry Marshall is a TV producer best known for creating Happy Days, and most of its spinoffs. He had big dreams of creating a new season fo Happy Days in the late 2000s, with the original cast but couldn't get anyone to agree to it. Following his retirement from show-business he took up a side-hobby of hunting cryptids such as the Jersey Devil and Loch Ness Monster, though his success at this is unknown, seeing as those creatures are still at large and terrifying.
Garry claims to have come from an unnamed eighth dimension, finally arriving on Earth after spending time on the planets of Ipsy Topsy, Melon Bank, Egg Town, Little Egg Town and two others he forgot the names of. He also had a raucous relationship with Gillian Jacobs, of TVs Community, but the CBB Wiki doesn't elaborate beyond that.
Who Would Win in a Fight:
While he has experiencing hunting prehistoric megafauna like the Loch Ness Monster, his success rate is unclear and, like Cake Boss, it's difficult to envision such an easy going guy throwing the first punch.
jpfriction
(He, Him)
That relationship with Gillian was doomed from
the start. Mostly because Garry kept dying right before they would get married. He’d get better.
the start. Mostly because Garry kept dying right before they would get married. He’d get better.
Johnny Unusual
(He/Him)
Warning: A slur that apparently Pat Morita called himself.
#9 Rip Seeso
"There but for The Space go I."
(Voted by Octo)
Weird: Not by Chimney-sweeping space robot standards, no
Special Talents:
Gifted Orator
Full of Holiday Cheer
Takes his work very seriously
Knows how to prioritize
Distracted Easily
Works well in a high-stress environment
Relationship to Scott Auckerman: Not Applicable, but I feel they'd get along
Rip Seeso is a recurring character on Mission to Zyxx (or at least he was the focus of one episode and some unused audio from it showed up in another), who is the most festively minded story telling chimney sweep on the Dickensian planet of Chimnacia, which the crew was assigned to visit to in order to discover the True Meaning of Exmarse, in order to earn the right to take the rest of the holiday off with pay.
Rips main job on the planet is to clean and maintain the innumerable chimneys (actually breathing and feeding tubes for a huge creature that provides the planet with gravity, somehow), and to also regale travelers with all manners of stories in order to help them learn the true meaning of various holidays, so them running into him was a pretty lucky break all things told.
In fact, Rip is so good at telling stories, that he wound up neglecting his actual job for a moment and the Great Beast nearly ripped the planet in half when it wasn't being fed its Exmarse dinner; which was ironically very much in the spirit of the holiday since, as we all know, the true meaning of Exmarse is "Try to Survive".
Who Would Win in a Fight:
With his powerful mechanical body and countless cleaning attachments, and lungs made like things wrought of iron thanks to the vast amount of soot he breathes, Rip is entering this battle with a stark advantage. However, he's likely to either get sidetracked from the fight when someone asks him a question that he can tie into an anecdote or else realize that the time he's spending fighting could be better served giving a chimney interior a proper polishing, and so would excuse himself, resulting in a disqualification
#8 Horses Tail
“I’m kind of the comedic holy grail”
(One vote by Spoonybard)
Weird: Literally a Horses Ass
Special Talents:
Possesses a Tight Five
Attached to a horse
Relationship to Scott Auckerman: N/A, but I feel like Scott would lose his patience quickly.
Kind of hard to go into detail here without spoiling the hell out of the show, so… consider this your ample warning.
Tail is the tail of Horse, the main character of Centaurworld, which became sentient after Horse became affected by the virulent whimsy of that worlds magic. And because Centaurworld exists in a state of perpetual zaniness, this naturally means that it has the personality of a stand-up comedian and lounge singer. Tail is able to offer advice and may possibly be able to see the future, but that’s secondary to its dreams of entertaining people on stage.
His comedy is of a sub-Fozzie Bear level of quality but everyone just loves it because Centaurworld is kind of naturally aggravating in that way.
I’ve barely watched season 2 so my information here may be incomplete.
Who Would Win in a Fight:
Tail would possibly acquit itself fairly well, seeing as it’s attached to a war horse with years of tactical knowledge and experience in combat against an intractable Minotaur army. Conversely, Horse doesn’t *like* having a bad stand up comedian attached to her butt, so maybe she wouldn’t be inclined to help much.
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# 7 Frank Doyle
“Who cares what evil lurks in the hearts of men?”
(Two votes from Johnny Unusual and Octo)
Weird: Reluctantly
Special Skills:
Toast of the Upper-Crust
Headliner on the Society Pages
He sees ghosts
Unflappable to an absurd degree
Passive Aggression
Invulnerable Liver
Terrified of Bees and Sobriety
Relationship to Scott Auckerman: While Frank never appeared on CBB, Scott DID appear an episode of Beyond Belief, so… lethal.
Frank (along with his wife, Sadie played by Paget Brewster) are the two main characters of the Beyond Belief section of the Thrilling Adventure Hour podcast, two independently wealthy monster hunters/spirit mediums who simply do not wish to be bothered dealing with hostile ghouls, monsters or other supernatural nuisances, preferring to spend their time enjoying one another’s company/strong liquors. Luckily, they’re phenomenally good at dealing with the supernatural, and most monsters are pretty ineffectual, so it really isn’t a big part of their day.
Franks dry sarcasm is usually offset by his wife’s exuberance to meet and obliterate a new friend/monster (depending on temperment), although it’s pretty clear that she also would definitely prefer not needing to bother. Sadie also uses Franks full name in nearly every episode in order to chastise him into action, but it’s also a different name in each episode, so it’s hard to say what his full name actually is. She usually calls him Frankenstein, but that’s presumably a nickname rather than what’s on his birth certificate.
Who Would Win in a Fight: Frank is an experienced exorcist and has personally dealt with virtually every kind of supernatural you can mention, as well as quite a number of creatures of a folkloric or metaphorical persuasion. And those he can’t deal with via exorcising he’s known to simply beat to death. And while that seems like it would make for an easy win, Franks complete reluctance to get involved would keep him from even participating. And that’s not taking into consideration the possibility of there being a liquor cabinet in the vicinity.
Johnny Unusual
(He/Him)
Frank and Sadie Doyle are always great. If you like it, please watch The Thin Man, the inspiration for the characters (except in addition to being lush, they shockingly become parents in the sequels which... no.)
#6 Paul; The Open Mike Host
"Ok, up next, these two guys have been here for the last couple weeks. They asked me to read this: "Warning. If you want your asses blown out, stay in the room." Ladies and gentlemen, Tenacious D."
(one vote by Patrick)
Weird: Was briefly possessed by satan
Special Talents:
Small Business Owner
Connections to minor music groups
Met the devil
Relationship to Scott Aukerman: Ambivalent, presumably
This is the only character to make the top ten with whom I am completely unfamiliar; I saw Pick of Destiny a while back, but I kind of forgot PFT was in it and also I only just this morning learned that there was a Tenacious D TV show, albeit not one with terribly many episodes.
Paul the Open Mike Host was the owner (or at least an employee) of a small bar where he hosts open mike nights, which lead to Tenacious D getting their start. And he also keeps getting them gigs despite clearly not liking them very much. Also, as per the bands prequel film, he might literally be the devil, or else was possessed by him. Which I understand to be a pretty common occurrence with most agents in the entertainment business.
Who Would Win in a Fight: On the one hand, most of Paul the Open Mike Hosts job seems to revolve around being reluctant to read the announcements that Tenacious D writes for themselves. On the other hand, he is also literally the fallen angel Lucifer. Then again, more than a few candidates on this list either have or could deal with him pretty handily despite that. Flip a coin, that's how well he would do.
Katie and I just watched the Tenacious D show on HBO Max like a month ago. It holds up surprisingly well. Also, there are 6 episodes that are 11 minutes each, so it's shorter than watching a movie. PFT is in each episode briefly, and he has some of the best lines to read. It's worth the watch if you have like an hour free.
Stick around if you don't mind some cream in your jeans
#5 Gladstone Gander
"I am the best at getting something for nothing!"
(One vote from SpoonBardOL)
Weird: Implausible, certainly
Special Talents:
Impossibly lucky
Like, luckier than you might be expecting
No, more than that.
Kind of insufferable
Owns a blimp
Relationship to Scott Auckerman: It would be the best interview Scott ever gave, and he would hate every moment of it.
While PFT only took over the role in the 2017 reboot of Ducktales, Gladstone's been around since the original Scrooge McDuck comics of the 40s, and basically has not changed since then; an absurdly (possibly supernaturally) lucky duck (or possibly goose, given his name) who is as lazy, lucky and hedonistic as... every other character in those stories was the opposite.
I'll be honest; I kind of fell off watching the show and didn't want to look up more on Wikipedia in case I spoil myself. So shush!
Who Would Win in a Fight: If Gladstone was at all interested in fighting anyone, or much of anything beyond chilling in the background, his phenomenal good fortune would guarantee him a win without him even being aware there was anything amiss. However, since he really doesn't have the kind of temperament needed to engage in a brawl. He'd have fun sitting back and watching, avoiding every blow that came towards him, however
#4 Burnt Millipede
"There was a guy on the Addams Family who was just made of hair. Someone thought of that. It's chilling."
(one vote, Octopus Prime)
Weird: Profoundly
Special Talents:
Pharmacist
Ventriloquist
Amateur Detective
Relationship to Scott Aukerman: Benign/affable
Burnt Millipede (pronounced Me-a-pay-day) is one of the two hosts of The Neighborhood Listen, alongside local realtor Joan Pedestrian, a podcast about the small town of Dignity Falls, as related through a neighborhood monitoring website. Burnt works as a pharmacist at the towns CVS, and has the honor and distinction of somehow NOT being the absolute weirdest resident of the town. Among Burnts accolades;
He refuses to believe in ghosts, but DOES believe in ghouls
Lives in a clearly haunted apartment
He has a pathological connection to a ventriloquist dummy
Will not eat square foods
Investigates potential murder scenes around town, just in case a murder is being committed, so he can yell "stop!"
Has been blacklisted by every carpenter in town
Has witnessed at least one man die from self-inflicted sword-wounds in the pharmacy
Has a murphy bed despite his apartment being too small to fit one
Refuses to actually use any medicine his CVS sells
Despite all this, Burnt still manages to be the voice of reason for most of the town, and it's not quite clear how many of his idiosyncrasies are self-inflicted (he was sleeping backwards on a tilted murphy bed for years, and the isolation of the early days of Covid caused him to fixate on his ventriloquist dummy) but given what everyone else in town is like, he's still a bulwark of reliability.
Incidentally, BOY HOWDY, do I wish I didn't do a Google Image Search for "Burnt Millipede" when looking for images of him. That was... regretable.
Who Would Win in a Fight: Owing to his commendable knowledge of salves and tinctures from his years of working in a CVS, Burnt would likely find better success working as support for one of the more capable fighters; or else offering triage support to those that fall. But in all likelyhood, he would be keeping an eye out for anyone about to die so he can yell "STOP!" at their attacker.
Well, four months is enough time to leave you in suspense...
#3 JW Stillwater
"Down here in Florida, when we need a new bed, we go into the swamp and we shoot us an air boat and skin it. That's just how we do it."
(Two votes, Thornghost and Johnny Unusual)
Fancy: By Florida-Man Standards
Weird: Not By Florida Man Standards
Special Talents:
Fanboat Repair Skills
Vigilantism
Possible Laser Vision?
Relationship to Scott Auckerman: Patronizing
JW Stillwater is the greatest hero Cumberbatch County Florida has ever known; leaving in to save the citizenry whenever he here's any kind of police siren or helicopter, regardless of context, as that is a sure sign that Crime is a Go. While Stillwater has solved virtually every crime to affect the town of St. Benedict, in Cumberland County, there are some instances where the unwavering hand of justice can not protect the innocent; and he was never able to solve the crime that sent him on his path of vengeance; the theft of a hammer. Possibly his own hammer, it's not clear.
Any connection that JW Stillwater has to local fanboat repair man Eddie Lee Capers is entirely coincidental, and I have no idea why you're bringing it up.
Recently JW Stillwater moved to California, when he learned that all of the water was being stolen, and the culprit was Stillwaters own father, long thought deceased; how he is coping with this shocking revelation is not yet full expressed, but we're all pulling for our hero.
Who Would Win in a Fight?
JW Stillwater possibly possesses at least one super power (he insists he can fly and has laser vision, but it rarely comes up in interviews), as well as the hand-to-hand combat skills necessary to clean up one of Floridas most crime-ridden cesspools, so he's coming in from a position of power right from the jump. However, he doesn't have a hammer. So that puts him behind many other competitors who have at least a hammer, and possibly tools with greater utility than a hammer; so that puts him right back where he started. His fate is impossible to determine.
#3 JW Stillwater
"Down here in Florida, when we need a new bed, we go into the swamp and we shoot us an air boat and skin it. That's just how we do it."
(Two votes, Thornghost and Johnny Unusual)
Weird: Not By Florida Man Standards
Special Talents:
Fanboat Repair Skills
Vigilantism
Possible Laser Vision?
Relationship to Scott Auckerman: Patronizing
JW Stillwater is the greatest hero Cumberbatch County Florida has ever known; leaving in to save the citizenry whenever he here's any kind of police siren or helicopter, regardless of context, as that is a sure sign that Crime is a Go. While Stillwater has solved virtually every crime to affect the town of St. Benedict, in Cumberland County, there are some instances where the unwavering hand of justice can not protect the innocent; and he was never able to solve the crime that sent him on his path of vengeance; the theft of a hammer. Possibly his own hammer, it's not clear.
Any connection that JW Stillwater has to local fanboat repair man Eddie Lee Capers is entirely coincidental, and I have no idea why you're bringing it up.
Recently JW Stillwater moved to California, when he learned that all of the water was being stolen, and the culprit was Stillwaters own father, long thought deceased; how he is coping with this shocking revelation is not yet full expressed, but we're all pulling for our hero.
Who Would Win in a Fight?
JW Stillwater possibly possesses at least one super power (he insists he can fly and has laser vision, but it rarely comes up in interviews), as well as the hand-to-hand combat skills necessary to clean up one of Floridas most crime-ridden cesspools, so he's coming in from a position of power right from the jump. However, he doesn't have a hammer. So that puts him behind many other competitors who have at least a hammer, and possibly tools with greater utility than a hammer; so that puts him right back where he started. His fate is impossible to determine.
I feel like 3 months between entries is a pretty sustainable rate of posting.
#2 Mr. Peanutbutter
"He's probably just razzin' ya. But he's a good dog. All bark, no bite. Oh, sorry! That's a Labrador expression. I guess in human terms it would be: he's all talk, no shooting you with an assault rifle."
(14 Points: Patrick, Johnny Unusual, Spoonybard)
Fancy: About the level you'd expect from a friendly, 90s sitcom star
Weird: He's a talking dog wearing a V-neck
Special Talents:
Trained, beloved actor
Possibly the most affable person on a deeply cynical planet
He's a Good Boy
Relationship to Scott Aukerman: They would get along great
Mr. Peanutbutter is one of the lead supporting characters in Bojack Horseman, and is the title-characters best friend. Mainly by merit of being one of the few people who can stand Bojack and his terrible personality for any length of time. This is mainly because, apart from being a talking dog who was also a sitcom star in the 90s, Mr. Peanutbutter is quite probably the single friendliest son of a gun on the whole damn planet. But, because nobody in Bojack Horseman is allowed to just be happy, this is mainly him covering for the fact that he's deeply depressed and tries to cheer everyone else up to compensate for his crippling existential ennui.
Oh Raphael Bob-Waksberg, what a whimsical tale of talking animals and actors in modern day Hollywood you've crafted.
He was born in St. Johns, Newfoundland, which is also where my father was born. What a crazy world we live in. He was also briefly married to Jessica Biel.
The cartoon dog was, not my dad. To my knowledge, at least. I never formally asked him.
WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT?
Mr. Peanutbutter is the kind of guy who could punch you in the sternum hard enough to break your ribs and you would apologize to him for hurting his knuckles; he would be completely untouchable in a fight against every other Paul F. Tompkins character. However, he also would never actually break anyones sternum with his bare knuckles when he could just be pals with everyone he sees.
#2 Mr. Peanutbutter
"He's probably just razzin' ya. But he's a good dog. All bark, no bite. Oh, sorry! That's a Labrador expression. I guess in human terms it would be: he's all talk, no shooting you with an assault rifle."
(14 Points: Patrick, Johnny Unusual, Spoonybard)
Weird: He's a talking dog wearing a V-neck
Special Talents:
Trained, beloved actor
Possibly the most affable person on a deeply cynical planet
He's a Good Boy
Relationship to Scott Aukerman: They would get along great
Mr. Peanutbutter is one of the lead supporting characters in Bojack Horseman, and is the title-characters best friend. Mainly by merit of being one of the few people who can stand Bojack and his terrible personality for any length of time. This is mainly because, apart from being a talking dog who was also a sitcom star in the 90s, Mr. Peanutbutter is quite probably the single friendliest son of a gun on the whole damn planet. But, because nobody in Bojack Horseman is allowed to just be happy, this is mainly him covering for the fact that he's deeply depressed and tries to cheer everyone else up to compensate for his crippling existential ennui.
Oh Raphael Bob-Waksberg, what a whimsical tale of talking animals and actors in modern day Hollywood you've crafted.
He was born in St. Johns, Newfoundland, which is also where my father was born. What a crazy world we live in. He was also briefly married to Jessica Biel.
The cartoon dog was, not my dad. To my knowledge, at least. I never formally asked him.
WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT?
Mr. Peanutbutter is the kind of guy who could punch you in the sternum hard enough to break your ribs and you would apologize to him for hurting his knuckles; he would be completely untouchable in a fight against every other Paul F. Tompkins character. However, he also would never actually break anyones sternum with his bare knuckles when he could just be pals with everyone he sees.
jpfriction
(He, Him)
Have you ever seen your dad and Mr. Peanutbutter in the same room?
Johnny Unusual
(He/Him)
You are SOOOOO close to being finished Octo!
Well, if you don't want to wait a full calender year for something I thought I would bang out in a week...
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber
"It's the story of Jesus Christ, and how he became a superstar"
(17 Points, Thornghost, Patrick, Octo, Johnny Unusual)
FANCY: Peerlessly So
WEIRD: There is no more stolid man on the face of this benighted Earth
Special Talents:
The Worlds Greatest Musical Genius
Possible split personality
Possibly an above average janitor
Relationship to Scott Aukerman: Scotrick is quite definitely Ser Andrew Lloyd Webbers dearest friend in all the world; he presided over his wedding.
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber is the single most famous musical genius in the world, you've certainly heard his magnum opus about cats, Cats, or his magnum opus about trains, Starlight Express, or perhaps his magnum opus about a jacket... I forget what that ones called.
While Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber was knighted because he is JUST SO GOOD at making musicals that he is first on the call sheet to defend the realm from enemies local and abroad, few people know his secret, including myself as I only learned it doing a googlesearch just now, that while he is bolstered by unparalleled music genius, he also enjoys a disassociative personality disorder with the alternate personality being Mike, a janitor and MMA aficionado, who has never seen a musical in his life.
Much like beloved Marvel comics character Moon Knight, he lives his life in balance between these aspects, and perhaps we can all see a part of ourselves in Andrew Lloyd Webber. I know I certainly do.
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber is currently happily married to one of the books in Scott Aukermans recording set. We wish him the best.
Who Would Win in a Fight: He has rollerskating train robots at his beck and call. This isn't even up for debate.
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber
"It's the story of Jesus Christ, and how he became a superstar"
(17 Points, Thornghost, Patrick, Octo, Johnny Unusual)
WEIRD: There is no more stolid man on the face of this benighted Earth
Special Talents:
The Worlds Greatest Musical Genius
Possible split personality
Possibly an above average janitor
Relationship to Scott Aukerman: Scotrick is quite definitely Ser Andrew Lloyd Webbers dearest friend in all the world; he presided over his wedding.
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber is the single most famous musical genius in the world, you've certainly heard his magnum opus about cats, Cats, or his magnum opus about trains, Starlight Express, or perhaps his magnum opus about a jacket... I forget what that ones called.
While Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber was knighted because he is JUST SO GOOD at making musicals that he is first on the call sheet to defend the realm from enemies local and abroad, few people know his secret, including myself as I only learned it doing a googlesearch just now, that while he is bolstered by unparalleled music genius, he also enjoys a disassociative personality disorder with the alternate personality being Mike, a janitor and MMA aficionado, who has never seen a musical in his life.
Much like beloved Marvel comics character Moon Knight, he lives his life in balance between these aspects, and perhaps we can all see a part of ourselves in Andrew Lloyd Webber. I know I certainly do.
Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber is currently happily married to one of the books in Scott Aukermans recording set. We wish him the best.
Who Would Win in a Fight: He has rollerskating train robots at his beck and call. This isn't even up for debate.
Johnny Unusual
(He/Him)
Oh, Webber, is there anything he CAN'T DO?
Johnny Unusual
(He/Him)
1. Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber
2. Mr. Peanutbutter
3. Frank Doyle
4. JW Stillwater
5. Santa Claus
2. Mr. Peanutbutter
3. Frank Doyle
4. JW Stillwater
5. Santa Claus
And a good time was had by most and/or all!
Here's my list for posterity:
My last two didn't make the cut, but honestly they all pale next to MPB anyway.
Here's my list for posterity:
My last two didn't make the cut, but honestly they all pale next to MPB anyway.