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Talking Time Presents: The Top 60 Video Game Enemies Exhibit at the Valdez Museum of Video Game Box Art

Positronic Brain

Out Of Warranty
(He/him)
I forgot Phanto in my list too, godammit. I guess it scared me so much during my childhood I locked away that trauma in my subcon.
 

Daikaiju

Rated Ages 6+
(He, Him)



Listen, and understand. Phanto is out there. It can’t be bargained with. It can’t be reasoned with. It doesn’t feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until you drop that key.
 

Dracula

Video Nasty
(He/His)
Kid Drac played the Mario All-Stars version of SMB2 first, so I was later surprised to find that some of the original Phanto rooms weren't quite as dramatic on the original NES version. But this is a very effective enemy design. I learned quickly to toss the key ahead of me whenever possible to get this masked fucker off my ass for couple precious seconds. That plummet through Mouser's tower in 1-3 is still a memorable challenge, and I clench a little when I play it, even now.
 

Octopus Prime

Mysterious Contraption
(He/Him)
I thought for sure I voted for Phanto.

But apparently my subconscious was protecting me by keeping Phanto off my list, so he wouldn’t have a means of infecting my soul.
 

Octopus Prime

Mysterious Contraption
(He/Him)
Phanto basically works on Mummy rules, and you’re only in danger if you steal his property.

But it doesn’t hurt to be careful in case he’s actually a Babadook
 

Beta Metroid

At peace
(he/him and such)
I'm also surprised to find I didn't vote for Phanto! But look at that performance! 1st, 1st, 3rd, and 7th-place votes, and only a 9th-place finish? What horrors/annoyances/adorable mascot-like critters still await us?
 

WildcatJF

I would be liking that greatly!
(he / his / him)




SKELETONS* (CASTLEVANIA)

#8 (140 points, nominated by Lokii [15], Torzelbaum [6], Dracula [1], Dr. Nerd [5], Kirin [13])
First Appearance: Castlevania




Donors had this to say:​
Skeletons are the perfect video game enemy. ~ Lokii​
Just your basic bone-throwing baddie. These guys come in endless flavors, and I love them all. Frankly, everything is improved by including an alive skeleton. Think about it. ~ Dracula​
So a Kamen Rider became a skeleton monster but kept its scarf and signature kick? And I can learn the kick by defeating it? Hell yeah! ~ Torzelbaum​
They throw the hot plates of curry they are going to serve to Dracula (?) at the player. Very rude. Probably explains why Dracula's Castle has a one-star Yelp rating. ~ Dr. Nerd​

I feel so alone
Gonna end up a big ol' pile of them bones

Big thanks to Dracula for contributing to this post!
* = includes votes for Waiter Skeleton and Kicker Skeleton.
 

Johnny Unusual

(He/Him)
Forgot to talk about Phanto, my #1. He's great. I love the look and as a kid I felt truly tense any time I had to steal his key. It's not like he's hard to escape but regardless, he's got a great mechanic and great aesthetics, which is what I'm always looking for in my cannon fodder.
 

Octopus Prime

Mysterious Contraption
(He/Him)
I have nothing but respect for the complete lack of any attempt at replicating the Japanese pun in the whip-skeletons name in the English localization. A portmanteau of “Dead Simon” is Shimon, and since that wasn’t anything in English, they just use the literal translation of it;

They just straight up call it “Gate of Death” and expect you to not question it
 

Dracula

Video Nasty
(He/His)
In fairness, "gate of death" is also a valid translation for shimon, which just adds to the excellence of that enemy's naming convention
 

WildcatJF

I would be liking that greatly!
(he / his / him)
We'll be taking some holiday time off for the museum, so we will be back this weekend!
 

WildcatJF

I would be liking that greatly!
(he / his / him)
HOLY CARP THE MUSEUM IS UNDER ATTACK.....ALL THE ENEMIES ARE TURNING ON ALL OF US! I NEED TO KEEP CALM, DEEP INKS...LET'S NOT PANIC THE FORUM.........QUICK, LET'S PUT UP AN ERROR MESSAGE AND TRY TO SORT ALL THIS OUT. *calls Pearl*

CACTAURS (FINAL FANTASY)

#7 (145 points, nominated by Issun [8], nataeryn [1], Johnny Unusual [20], Octopus Prme [3], Kirin [3])
First Appearance: Final Fantasy VI


Cactaur is actually a professional athlete put into the wrong game series at Square. It wasn't until crossovers with Mario that this oversight was marginally corrected.

Look at its GAME

Donors had this to say:
they are dangerous and cute - a perfect combo ~ nataeryn​
MANIACAL LAUGH ~ Mr. X​

Bloody your hands on a cactus tree
Wipe it on your dress and send it to me

DOGFISH I THOUGHT MY THOUGHTS ONLINE​
 
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Dracula

Video Nasty
(He/His)
Cactuars are the deadliest enemy in all of games. Nobody can have more than 1,000 HP in a game, which means it's impossible to survive their attack. Just horrifying.
 

Daikaiju

Rated Ages 6+
(He, Him)
At least with Cactuars, the danger is immediately understood.
Tonberries, on the other hand...
 

Ixo

"This is not my beautiful forum!" - David Byrne
(Hi Guy)
Anytime I see one, my brain starts playing Walk Like an Egyptian. It’s the pose that does it I’m pretty sure.
 

WildcatJF

I would be liking that greatly!
(he / his / him)

GOOMBAS(Super Mario)

#6 (151 points, nominated by Issun [5], Johnny Unusual [9], Octopus Prime [1], Daikaiju [11], Rascally Badger [3])
First Appearance: Super Mario Bros.



This is what keeps us up at night


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA it's all going to plan. Sheer chaos!!!!! Boss is gonna be so pleased with me.

*growl*

You too, you spoiled hunk of metal.
 

Kirin

Summon for hire
(he/him)
Catching up after winter break...

Good to see that dang Karateka bird get a special mention! It's always the birds. Always has been.

I literally voted for "Skeletons - Various" from Castlevania. They are all good boys, Trevor.

Cactuar is also a good needly boy. Very very needly. So much needle.

(Goomba is also a very good chestnut, I only didn't vote for 'em due to keeping down overlap with the Mario list.)
 

Daikaiju

Rated Ages 6+
(He, Him)
Ah yes, chestnut or shroom, the lesser known debate.

FWIW, the SMW Goomba are definitely chestnuts.
 

Kirin

Summon for hire
(he/him)
I mean it's right there in the original name... *but* to be fair, outside of the SMW style they are some unusually squishy chestnuts.
 

Octopus Prime

Mysterious Contraption
(He/Him)
I feel like it’s far easier to smoosh a mushroom than a chestnut.

However

If a full grown man jumps on a chestnut, it’s going to be precisely as smooshed as a mushroom would be.

From this we can safely determine that Goombas are Chestrooms.
 

Issun

TT's Resident Ace of Base Superfan
I feel like it’s far easier to smoosh a mushroom than a chestnut.

However

If a full grown man jumps on a chestnut, it’s going to be precisely as smooshed as a mushroom would be.

From this we can safely determine that Goombas are Chestrooms.
😮
 
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