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#25: Anansi
65 points • 3 mentions • Highest rank: #11 (Johnny Unusual)
"Anansi, a masta storytella. Originally from here in West Africa, stories of his cunnin' spread through Africa an' inta the Carribean cementin' his place as a folktale hero. He prizes wisdom, and of'en uses 'is wit to get outa tricky situations, usin' those skills t'out wit op'ressors. It's those traits that make 'im a celebrated symbol of slave resistance and survival. 'nansi was the first t'buy all the stories from Nyame, the Sky-God. Earth had none at the time, and our cleva spider was dead set on fixin' that. Nyame, bein' a bit big for 'is britches, entatained Anansi's offer, but set up a mighty tall orda in the hopes that he would fail. The price for all the Sky-God's stories was capturin' four of the most dangerous creatures in the world: Onini the Python, the Mmoboro Hornets, Osebo the Leopard, and the Fairy Mmoatia. Anansi was so sure of 'imself that he added one more t'the list: his own motha, Ya Nsia!"
Spider Story: Onini the Python
0 points • 0 mentions • Highest rank: DNR
"So 'nansi does th'sensible thing and asks 'is family fer advice. 'is wife had a plan: take a palm branch an' some vines to the riva by Onini's home. The couple then started a 'uge mock debate ova how long they thought Onini was. All this ruckus got the attention of the pythin who came 'round to see what all the fuss's about. 'nansi told Onini "M'wife thinks you're not as long as a branch from a palm tree, an' I think she's wrong." Wantin' t'help solve this marital spat, Onini offas t'stretch out by the branch an' see how he measas up. Of course, cleva spida wastes no time in usin' those vines (an' 'is eight legs) to tie Onini t'the branch, then cartin'm off t'Nyame's place."
Spider Story: The Mmoboro Hornets
0 points • 0 mentions • Highest rank: DNR
"Afta celebratin' a bit, 'nansi heads back 'ome, and plots with 'is wife sommore about how t'catch some hornets. He takes her advice, fillin' up a gourd with wata, an' headin' out toward the bushes where they like t'hang 'round. Once 'e arrived, 'nansi splashed some wata on himself, on a giant banana leaf, then crept up behind the hornets and doused 'em. Oooooh boy, did those hornets get MAD. When they came afta him, Anansi pointed t'his wet leaf an' explained "No, no. Settle down mates. It's been rainin'! And I know how dang'rous rainstorms can get. Why not stay in m'gourd for a while until the storm passes?" So the hornets, findin' the offa gen'rous, flew right on in. Once the last'n had settled in, cleva spida popped a cork in the openin' and took it straight t'Nyame."
Spider Story: Osebo the Le*pard
0 points • 0 mentions • Highest rank: DNR
"Feelin' ratha proud of 'imself at this point, 'nansi returns home to talk with 'is wife about what t'do 'bout Osebo the Le*pard with her. As soon as she told 'im t'dig a big hole n' cover it, 'nansi instant'ly undastood what t'do. He made 'is way to th'big cat's stompin' grounds, dug t'hole, cova'd it all up, then went back home for the evenin'. Sure enough, in th'darkness of night, Osebo fell right'n."
"The next mornin', 'nansi came 'round t'the hole and put on the best sympathetic face he could musta. "Osebo! Lookit you! How'd you get stuck'n that hole mate? You been out gettin' hamma'd? Y'know I've warned you about that. Mate, I'd love t'get you out that hole, but I'm pretty sure y'd eat me aftaward." After some convincin', Osebo swore there'd be no eatin', so 'nansi went to fetch 'is knife, usin' it to cut n' carve two poles. Once the poles were lowa'd, he asked the le*pard t'stretch out 'is arms niiiiice n' wiiiiide to climb up th'poles. Right after the climb began, 'nansi picked up 'is knife and tossed it, hard as 'e could, beanin' Osebo 'tween the eyes and sendin' 'im down fer the count. All it took then was some additional sticks fer ladder rungs, and bob's yer uncle, cleva spida climbed inta the pit, and drug the unconcious le*pard right t'the Sky-God."
Spider Story: Mmoatia the Fairy
0 points • 0 mentions • Highest rank: DNR
"With three of the four requested prizes unda 'is belt, Anansi brainstorm'd a bit. He ca'ved 'imself up an Akua doll an' slatha'd it with sticky gum tree sap. Afta rigg'n up the doll like a puppet setting, he placed mashed yams both innit's hands and in a small basket. Then he set off t'fairy hunt."
"Leanin' the doll with it's basket against an' Odum tree, 'nansi hid close by. Soon enough, a wanderin' Mmoatia took the bait! Thinkin' the doll a human, she asked it for some yams. 'nansi pulled the strings, and the doll nodded. Elated, Mmoatia ran off to OK'd it with her sistas. When they gave the go ahead, she hurried back an' helped herself, thankin' the doll afta. But the doll didn't move: Very rude to not acknol'ige a thank you. Mmoatia went away grumpy, and asked her sistas for advice. "What bad mannas! Give 'er a good slap!" So she did. And she stuck. Th'more she slapped, th'more she stuck until cleva spida emerged t'take her to the Sky-God. Afta roundin' up his Mum anyway."
"Nyame was absolutely none too pleased, but afta callin' his eldas and talkin' it ova, he gave 'is blessins and stories, to our cleva cleva spida. Nyame then declared that the Sky-God's stories would belong t'Anansi, an' all of 'em would be renamed Spida Stories. ....alright Mate, how was that'n?"
(The camera pans back and spins 180 to reveal Steve upside down, stuck in a giant spiderweb. It's obvious he's been up there for a good while. It pans over to show Anansi, sitting in a director's chair. He's dressed in a bespoke eight-legged nwentoma three piece suit, and a baret because he thinks it gives him more auteur cred. There's a pause, and then Anansi speaks.)
"You know, your delivery was very good this time. But I'm not sure you put enough passion in it! Story telling is important and I want it to be perfect for the show! Start from the beginning again, and let me really feel your emotions!"
Long post to set up the gag. Thanks for sticking with all that. But holy moley relating African folktales via Australian accent made my brain hurt in new and interesting ways. Gah.
#8
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
2017 Dir.: Rian Johnson
218 Points, 8 Votes, Highest Vote: #1 (Daikaiju), Rotten Tomatoes Score: 91%
Let the past die. Kill it, if you have to.
Where the first Star Wars film is universally beloved, this one was, perhaps, the most divisive. The prequels had some things to recommend them, but by and large they were massive disappointments. Then, in 2015, The Force Awakens returned the series to its roots, and most fans were overjoyed, and J.J. Abrams once again proved that he's really good at getting a series going. For the next film, auteur director Rian Johnson was tapped. A lot of people were unsure, as his two most well known previous films were Brick, an indie mystery thriller, and of course, Looper. Some fans were worried that this movie would be a very different type of Star Wars film, while others were excited to see what a fresh take might look like. They were both right, and wrong. The Last Jedi is a refreshing take on the franchise, but it is still, undeniably, a Star Wars film.
After the events of The Force Awakens, the Resistance fleet, led by General Leia, is on the run from First Order ships, while Rey confronts Luke Skywalker on his cliffside hideaway in order to bring him back to help the Resistance. Both situations turn around fairly quickly. The First Order has figured out how to track a vessel through hyperspace, and Luke wants no part of the Resistance or the Jedi. Much of the film is resolving these two threads, and culminating in some of the finest action setpieces the franchise has ever seen.
Upon rewatching this movie, I noticed so much I'd missed the first time around. Johnson's use of lighting and color is masterful, the dichotomy between Rey and Ben is at its height, and it is perfectly paced (whether you think Canto Bight was worth the thematic payoff or not is your call). So why all the hate? Well, there are a lot of fans that just didn't like the direction it took. J.J. Abrams is all about teasing you with mysteries he may or may not intend to solve (disclaimer: Lost is my favorite show). Rian Johnson prefers mysteries for the sake of themes, be it Looper, Knives Out or The Last Jedi. I, for one, loved a couple of his curve balls, one in particular, but a lot of people felt cheated, perhaps. It's also very different in tone. But there is another reason. Even though Lucas is (or was) pretty progressive, that ideology was never as on display as it was here. Neckbeards got mad. And they decided that Laura Dern's character was dumb poohead SJW propaganda and that Kelly Marie Tran deserved to be hounded off social media and made to fear for her life. Fandoms are toxic, nerd fandoms especially so, and the dark side of Star Wars fandom was on full display.
However, The Last Jedi showing up high on this list shouldn't be too much of a surprise. It was always much better received on Talking Time than in the darker holes of the internet. What happened with Rise of Skywalker, especially in relation to this film, has already taken up a major portion of that particular thread here, so I'll leave that alone. The Last Jedi, though, really does deserve to be respected as one of the finest entries in the world's biggest film franchise.
Folks, I gotta be straight with ya, things are looking a bit dire here. Our big guns are out of commission, the Death Army is on the march...
... those tentacle things are back ...
... and so far the only response to our distress call is this mecha horse who isn't doing too well ...
Wait, hang on though, I'm finally getting a *substantial* ping on my scopes and a signal on the emergency channels. Could it be.... yes! A huge battleship is descending through the atmosphere. The SDF-1 has returned!
And it's now opening its hangars and dispatching wave after wave of Valkyrie fighters. All the Valkyries!
... but particularly this Valkyrie...
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.
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#2
All-Environment Variable Fighter and Tactical Combat Battroid
VF-1S Valkyrie
The Variable Fighter was developed using the same OverTechnology recovered from the SDF-1 crash as the Destroid mecha, but included transformation modes that allowed it to serve both as giant-size infantry and an air/space superiority fighter. This adaptability, brought to the fore by ace pilots such as Roy Focker and Maximilian Jenius, led to the VF-1 becoming the premiere weapon used by UN Spacy in Space War One against Zentradi forces, with new designs continuing on into future conflicts across the galaxy.
The VF-1S variant was outfitted with superior firepower and improved engines, and was manufactured in limited numbers and usually reserved for commanders or squad leaders.
And this is just what we needed! The VF squads immediately rip into the Death Army, with expert dog-fighters dodging the Gundam Head tentacles' laser barrage and counter-attacking from the air, while transformed Battroid units take on the mooks with their gatling pods and even hand-to-hand combat, relying on air support from their compatriots.
Over there you can spot the famous Skull Squadron taking on one of the larger DG cell powered abominations, attacking it from multiple angles with expert teamwork. And I see Milia in her bright red VF-1J using her expert piloting skills to take down some Death Army units that sprouted wings and took to the sky. Meanwhile some Armored Valkyrie variants, VF-1Js with the reactive armor pack, have waded into the densest concentration of Death Army troops, and unleashed swarms of micro-missiles taking them out left and right. And some VF-1S "Super" Valkyries, with the FAST pack system, are doing the same in the air.
This is looking pretty good folks, I think we're finally pushing them back! We might be able to complete this tournament on schedule after all if we just keep...
... wait ...
... what's that ominous rumbling sound?
