And Knowing is Half the Battle! Lets Play G.I.Joe!

Hello again, one and all. For my fourth Lets Play, I went ahead and picked G.I. Joe, a game which is vastly better then it had any right to be. Considering how it was a licensed NES game, based on a franchise which, at the time, was nearly dead, and was released by TAXAN (who, if you don’t recognize, also brought us Low G. Man… possibly something else as well), the fact that it was good at all is nothing short of miraculous.

There are two types of stages, straight up action stages that invoke Contra, and exploration based ones that are closer to Turrican, or perhaps Sonic the Hedgehog. You’re given 5 Joes to pick from (except in the final mission where you get a special 6th character), each with different capabilities. For the Let’s Play, I’ll be giving all y’all free reign of who I take. Now Lets Get Playing!

G.I. Joe Headquarters-
Mainframe: General Hawk, Sir, we’ve just received intelligence on the location of 6 major Cobra bases! We could take them all out at once!
Hawk: What, seriously? We just found 6 at the same time? How well hidden were they?
Mainframe: Well, I realized that Cobra puts all of its bases in the same few spots every time, so it wasn’t particularly hard to work out. So… should we send some Joes in to take them down?
Hawk: Might as well. That’s what we’re paid for. Send Duke, Snake-Eyes, Blizzard, Captain Grid-Iron and Rock’n Roll.
Mainframe: Why them sir?
Hawk: Well, Duke and Snake-Eyes are two of the most marketable Joes we have, Grid-Iron I haven’t ever actually seen do anything before and Rock n’ Roll owes me money and won’t pay-up.
Mainframe: What about Blizzard?
Hawk: I’m pretty sure that’s actually Snow-Job trying to earn a second pay check. So I always assign them to missions on different sides of the planet to see what he does.
Mainframe: Oh, like on The Brady Bunch.
Hawk: The what?
Mainframe: The Brady Bunch, you know, the show from the 70’s. It had a lot of plots like that.
Hawk: …
Mainframe: It… it was pretty popular program sir.
Hawk: Son, I don’t watch television, I’m a busy man.
Mainframe: Sorry sir, who should we send to the second base then?
Hawk: Well, it’s Memorial Day, so every other Joe has the weekend off, looks like it’s just those five that are working. I’ll set a different one up as team-leader each time, though.
Mainframe: Why?
Hawk: I like to make that vein throb up in Duke’s forehead when he’s not in charge. I’ll go give them the usual pep-talk.


GOOD MORNING MEN. THE TIME HAS COME TO RID THE WORLD OF THE COBRA
ORGANIZATION. FOR TOO MANY YEARS THIS GROUP OF THUGS HAS TERRORIZED THE INNOCENT OF THE WORLD AND IT'S TIME TO ACT. WE HAVE SOME GOOD INFORMATION ON LOCATIONS OF THE MAIN COBRA BASES, AND WE FEEL THAT SOON WE WILL BE ABLE TO LOCATE THE SECRET BASE WHERE COBRA COMMANDER IS HIDING. THIS MISSION WILL BE AN ATTACK ON THE JUBLE BASE DEEP IN THE AMAZON. DUKE, YOU'LL BE THE LEADER OF THIS MISSION, PLEASE SELECT YOUR TEAM YO JOE!!!

Mainframe: That seemed a little robotic and impersonal, sir.
Hawk: And yet I don’t care. If nothing else, I showed them my winning smile, the greatest morale boost there is.

All right, Talking Time, here are the Joe’s we can pick from:

Duke is the games general purpose well-rounded guy. He gets a pretty robustly large life-bar, fairly strong weapons, a powerful melee attack and high jumping skills. In most games the well-rounded guy isn’t especially good at anything, here he isn’t bad at anything. When fully powered, his gun gets a spread that would make Bill Rizer proud.

Fun Fact about Duke: I never liked him. I wish Flint was here instead.


Like how Duke is really good at everything, Blizzard is pretty awful at everything. He has a lot of stamina, though, so he can at least take a good beating. His upgraded gun can pass through solid walls.

Fun Fact about Blizzard: Seriously, his sprite looks a LOT like Snow Job. I’m not even joking.


I’ll get the bad things about Snake-Eyes out of the way first. He’s got the second lowest stamina and the weakest gun. These are the only area’s he isn’t the best at, and you can extend his health meter with power-ups. Unlike everyone else whose melee attack is a punch, Snake-Eyes uses a sword, instead of a gun, he shoots Hadokens, he has infinite ammo, and, while he can’t fly, he can jump hella high. Snake-Eyes is as awesome as you would think he would be. Larry Hama would be proud. His Hadokens get larger when he upgrades.

Fun Fact about Snake-Eyes: Once, Snake Eyes beat up Starscream in one-on-one combat. I don’t think that was canon, though.


I don’t have a whole lot to say about the Captain. Except in the one mission where you have to, I never bothered with him. I’m not sure why, he has really high stats all around and may be a better choice then Duke. C’est la vie. His gun also gets a progressively wider spread as it upgrades, and it looks like he shoots Footballs.

Fun Fact about Captain Grid-Iron: I’m probably just going to call him Grid-Iron.


Rock & Roll is the teams big gun having guy. He has the single most powerful cannon in the game. As a result, he can’t afford much protection so he gets beat up easily (assuming any enemy can survive long enough to get near), and those guns are really heavy, so he can’t jump very high. Like so many others, his upgraded gun gets a crazy-ass spread.

Fun Fact about Rock & Roll: Rock & Roll attained perfection in the late 1970’s, shortly after the formation of Queen.

So, go ahead Talking Time, tell me which two of these guys I should go ahead and bring with me? To my chagrin, we’ve got to take Duke regardless for this mission.

Take the skier and the ninja along for wacky hijinks!

SNAKE EYES SNAKE EYES SNAKE EYES!

He's the best. I played but never beat this game.

I think it's pretty safe to say that Snake Eyes is pretty much a perma-choice.

As crazy as this going to sound to all of you GI Joe-NES-game-a-philes, I only played the sequel which is apparently nowhere near as good as this one. But that one let you switch characters mid-level. Does this one have the same feature? Because if so, I request at least one screenshot of Capt. Grid-iron killing someone with a football.

You're free to toggle who you're using in the middle of a mission, and you end up using a different Joe as leader for each mission, so rest assured, by hook or by crook, you will see an Infantry Viper get beaned by a large, football shaped cannon shell.

Captain Grid-Iron is made of steel. It took numerous attempts to actually melt him in the microwave.

He needs to be in there for kicks! (GET IT)

But yeah, Snake Eyes has to be in there once in a while.

Okay, cool.

This thread is making me consider doing an LP of the Atlantis Factor since I've beaten it a million times. But then again, I have no idea how the hell I would make an LP about an NES action game. Good luck pulling that off, OP.

You should prove how awesome you are by using Blizzard whenever possible.

Unless... you aren't really awesome... ?

Ooh, them's fighting words. Show them what you've got, Octoprime!

So, does Rock and Roll speak only in song titles? Because that's about the only way I'd let anyone with that name on my team.

Yeah, I think I'm the only boy of the 80's who never watched G.I. Joe. The Turtles were better, anyway.

Go for the Grid-Iron!
He looks so ridiculous that its a MUST that you use him a few times. Plus hes a captain. He probably outranks Blizzard and Rock n Roll.

Using Snake-Eyes is like a free "win" ticket. Make it a little challenging for yourself and go with a core team of Blizzard and Capt. Grid-Iron.

Snake Eyes is awesome.

A little too awesome.

I vote for the freaks wearing sporting goods.

According to their file cards, Grid-Iron is grade O-3, Rock 'N Roll is E-6, and Blizzard is E-7.

But even after reading this, I'm still not quite sure what it means other than Grid-Iron is the commissioned officer.

For the record, Taxan also made a crappy Castlevania rip-off called 8 Eyes. It was one of those games where every enemy seemed to have more range on their weapons than you did. You did have a pet bird which was kinda cool though.

Back on topic-Get Grid-Iron and Snake Eyes. Never, ever take Blizzard.

Blizzard needs a chance to redeem himself out there in the field of battle so I say go with him and all his Blizzardy(not)goodness.

Go Joe--err Blizzard!

If Strider had posted that just a little sooner, then there would have been a three-way tie for who to pick. Alas.



Duke: Blizzard, Grid-Iron, come one we’re due for a rendezvous with Cobra in the Amazon Jungle!
Grid-Iron: You mean I actually get to go on a Mission? Hot Dang! Old Lady Football Gun is going to see some action today!
Blizzard: But… I’m the winter guy. I don’t think I can help much in the jungle. You know, I heard that Snow Job was assigned to the Alaska outpost, maybe I would be more useful over the-
Duke: (interrupting) Blizzard, we’ve had it up to here with your “Oh gee, maybe I should go help out Snow Job instead of whatever I was told to do” attitude. Now, America’s Golden Boy, me, the Quarterback who converted a rifle to shoot footballs instead of bullets, and the skier are going to the Amazon jungle to fight for America’s Freedom!
Grid-Iron: Duke, I don’t think the Amazon is in the US. In fact, I’m rather sure it isn’t.
Duke: South America still counts as America.


Mission 1: Amazon Jungle on the Moon
Part One:
The Cobra Jungle Base
Raptor: I’m not sure why this place is here.
Range Viper: Destro was under-budget for building secret bases, and the Cobra Commander thought he might have some sort of nefarious plan for the Amazon Jungle in the near-future. I think he was going to send it into space, or something.
Raptor: So, why did the Commander send us here?
Range Viper: Well, you’re here because he thought we could use someone with knowledge of animals, and I’m here because I had the weekend off, but could use the extra hours.
Raptor: So what do we do if G.I.Joe comes here?
Range Viper: I don’t know about you, but I’d threaten them mercilessly, and then shoot them with my cannon if they get too close.
Raptor: It occurs to me that I’ve never actually seen you in combat. Or in training… Or ever before.
Range Viper: I’m not a very popular character.[/I]

MISSION START!




As team Leader, Duke is the first one off the… vehicle they drove to the jungle with. Just seeing the rear exit isn’t quite enough to tell me what it was, and my knowledge of G.I.Joe isn’t exactly prodigious if it was. Conveniently, a careless Cobra goon left a weapon upgrade carelessly laying around… in mid air, and Duke’s jump stat is high enough to let him grab it. Four of these will cause a Joe’s weapon to upgrade, becoming larger and potentially more powerful.


“Bogey, twelve o’clock high! Scramble! GO GO GO!” cries Duke, even though the rest of his team is no where in sight. Even if they were nearby, the first Cobra troop they find is a lonely Viper, endless shuffling back and forth standing atop what appears to be a heap of moss. He succumbs to Dukes furious barrage without much hassle, exploding in a haze of purple and white.


Slightly further in to the Jungle, the Joe team discovers the first of Cobra’s new Jungle Defenses; Sting Rays trained to leap a good thirty feet out the water, and strike down anyone foolish enough to be passing by.


Though Duke’s gun boasts MASSIVE bullets, it simply doesn’t compare to the sight of footballs burrowing deep into an enemies face, so Grid-Iron takes point. His more powerful gun is better suited for the teeny-tiny, very speedy enemies that lurk in the jungle anyway.

Incidentally, Snake Eyes is the only one who can jump high enough to reach that upgrade.


This is about the only shot I have of the lightning that’s flashing on and off through the level. It’s kind of like that one stage in Ninja Gaiden 2, except less obnoxious since you can still see things.


Subtle ripples of the water cause Grid-Iron to think another Sting-Ray is about to pop out and smack him, but no, these inky depths hold instead a man! A Frog Man! A quick Football in the face causes the amphibious soldier to explode, making that frog look quite toasty, it should be remarked.

“I guess you weren’t ready for some football” say’s Grid-Iron, smirking slightly. Feeling as though he just delivered the ultimate one-liner.

He didn’t.



This is the only photographic proof of the Jungle Bases OTHER trained animal and I’m honestly unsure of what it’s supposed to be. I’m thinking a wild boar? Anyway, the little bastard is really, really fast and low to the ground, so you can only hit him when crouching. I hate that pig.

After a short bit of walking, Grid-Iron stops Duke and asks;
“Duke, we’re here fighting Cobra, right?”
“That’s right. Sworn enemies of Freedom, America, and Baseball”
“Right… but, exactly how worried should we be? I mean, is this like Cobra in the comics, where they’re a genuine threat to the safety of the world, or is it like the cartoon, where they’re going to be drawing on the moon, or jumping out of nowhere yelling COOOOOOOBRAAAAAAAAAAAAA?”

As if on cue, the Viper in the foreground chose that moment to leap out while screaming the name of his organization.

“Oh, well, that answers that” shrugs Grid-Iron.
“The fact that you asked the question at all should have been a clear enough hint.”

“Nobody will stop Cobra Commanders glorious plan to move the Amazon jungle into outer space! It will be glorious!” rants the Viper to the distracted Joes. He also takes careful aim at the soldiers two feet in front of him, but is laid low by a football before he can pull his trigger.


“I guess you weren’t ready for some football” says Grid-Iron again, happy to have an audience this time.
“What?”
“…never mind.”



The music has changed, and the screen has stopped scrolling, which can only mean one thing. There’s a deep, ominous rumbling, but Grid-Iron can’t hear it through the helmet.


Duke actually stops talking about his patriotism for a minute and stares, pointing. His open mouth slack with bewilderment at the sight before him.
“What? Tired about talking about Mom’s apple pie?” sniggers Grid-Iron, still not turning around…



A Cobra Condor Z25 explodes from the canopy behind! This massive fighting engine is at the forefront of Cobra’s air force! It even has Real-Firing Missiles! It’ll take a REAL American Hero to stop this dastardly device. Only 19.95 at Sears. Some assembly required, Captain Grid-Iron, Duke and Blizzard figures not included.

Fun Fact about the Condor Z25: I play Ace Combat the same way the Pilot flies, by flying suicidally close to the ground.



Luckily, though the pilot of the Condor is obviously superhumanly skilled to managed to strafe 3 targets while almost literally skimming the ground, he isn’t exactly the most innovative of Cobra’s tacticans, as he just loops in, launches a few Real Firing Missiles� and then pulls back for a second. Grid-Iron’s Football Launcher makes short work of it.

But the boss music hasn’t stopped…



Another, undocumented feature of the Condor is that fact that its entire canopy is completely superfluous.
“I just took off half that damn plane and it’s still flying at me!” cries Grid-Iron, rather taken aback at the whole thing.



Finally, after another healthy barrage of footballs, the rear section of the Condor explodes into a shower of NES particle physics and the “Mission Over” music plays.

The Joe team finds themselves at the entrance of the Jungle Base. But… what lies within?

So far off to a funny start. Too bad none of the screens actually show the footballs.

Oh hey, it's the little-known ZX Spectrum version of G.I. Joe.

I believe its Spanish name is "Jamon de cohetes."

And man, I was mashing Go on the screen shot button so much it wasn't funny.

I searched most Joe vehicles from 1990 and earlier, but I couldn't find what it was.

I'm sure someone else could do the job.

I can't help but feel like there is a disturbing lack of Blizzard use so far.

This gets ammended tomorrow. Don't worry.

Also: It seems all of Blizzards weapons can fire through walls, not just his strongest one. This is very useful information.

The more astute viewer may notice that the Joe’s stats are different at the beginning of this mission then they were at the end of the previous. This is because I neglected to save when I finished playing yesterday, and had to replay the first mission. I did better.

Mission 1-2 Start!

Jungle Base Interior
Raptor: Hey, Range Viper, I think that G.I.Joe may have found out about this base.
Range Viper: Wha? How can you be sure?
Raptor: Well… there was a report from Colin, you know, the guy who flies the Condor waaaaay too close to the ground, anyway he said something to the effect of “Joe’s approaching, I’m going to ram them with my plane”.
Range Viper: Colin wasn’t one of our brighter pilots, was he?
Raptor: Not as such, no. I suppose we better get on the monitors to alert the rest of the troops and prepare our defenses.
Range Viper: Phht, that’s not how Cobra does things.



Raptor: … what did that accomplish?
Range Viper: I’ve demoralized them. They won’t think twice about invading any more Cobra Jungle Bases!
Raptor: If the field report is to believed, they just finished killing everyone in the outer perimeter and shot down a fighter plane. With footballs. I seriously doubt anything is going to demoralize them at this point. Also, you didn’t even threaten them! You just asked them to come see you! How the hell did you even get to command this base?
Range Viper: It wasn’t a very important base.


Mission 1-2 is the first of the games exploration based stages, the objective is to plant bombs on the various weak points of the Cobra Base and exit before the timer expires.

Grid-Iron winced as he kneeled on the rock. Blood was pooling at his feet pretty quickly. He gasped for breath and spoke,
“Duke, I don’t think I’m going to make it. I’ve been hit too many times. I-I think I was lung-shot. Also… a plane hit me a bunch of times.”
“Ahh, you’ll be okay, you just need a quick meal. There’s some rations under that rock, go eat them. That’ll perk ya up.”
Grid-Iron looked up from his half dead stupor.
“Are you telling me that eating some food that you had to find by blowing apart rocks, exposed to the elements in the Amazon Jungle will help me in any way?”
“Well, it sure won’t hurt you.”

As it would happen, Rations refill your health, and the flashing variety, such as this one, refills it all the way. Of course, you wouldn’t be able to tell that it was flashing had I not mentioned it. So… now you know.



“If you’re going to be such a baby about it, I’ll led Blizzard take point for most of this phase of the mission” mutters Duke to the near-dead/well fed Grid-Iron
Overhearing this, Blizzard leaps up, yelping like a little girl.
“OH GOD, Do I have to?”
“Yes, now go in there and throw your life away for freedom”
“Oh this is all going to end in tears.”

Really, look at him and tell me it doesn’t look like Snow Job.


Luckily, having dispatched a few scattered Vipers, Blizzard comes across one who, despite looking right at him, ignores the snowy commando and is talking in his radio, presumably to another low level Viper.

“Yeah, I’m patrolling in front of a checkmark too.” a pause, “Well, the checks are on the bases most structurally weak areas. We’re marching to make sure nobody puts a bomb on it” there was another, longer pause, and Blizzard thought he could make out some audible cussing on the other end
“Look, it’s just a mnemonic device, alright? It’s like saying ‘Check to make sure that there are no bombs here’, that’s why we put checkmarks on the weak points. Now hold on, I think I see a guy in a parka over here. Yes, a guy wearing a parka in the middle of the jung-“

At this point the guard stopped talking, seeing as Blizzard had shot him.




The Medal icon will cause a Joe’s maximum health to increase by a few bars. I let Blizzard take it since he’s going to be taking some lumps in the near future.


Duke takes point again, since there are still some upgrades to be found before the base is blown to pieces, and he has the highest jump.

He also stands in awe of a giant wrecking ball just… dangling there, occasionally plunging down almost to the ground. It is a very pointless tool.



Though you can’t tell from this screen, there were more Stingrays and Frogmen in this very shallow pool. But there’s a Gun Upgrade right below, which is why Duke came up here at all.


The armor suit (which kind of looks like a bears or maybe a dogs face) makes you intangible for a few second letting you slip on through enemy defenses.

And here’s the second and final Check Point for the mission. It’s directly next to the level exit and about 15 feet from the other check. Cobra must have spent more money on the trained stingrays than on decent base design.


Duke plants the second and final bomb and heads to the exit. Exiting a level is usually accompanied by a boss fight, and this level is no exception.


Cobra Falconer: Raptor

Duke looks up, nonchalantly, at a flying, shirtless man, carrying a trained hawk.
“Oh, hey Raptor”
Raptor was a bit disappointed at the dismissive greeting, but let it slide. He is nothing if not cordial, after all.
“Hey Duke, how's it hanging”
“Oh you know, same ol’ same ol’. Hy, umm… is Cobra actually planning to launch the jungle into outer space? Because that plan isn’t very… sensible.”
“Well, he was cackling when he announced it, s he may have been joking. I mean, he put Range Viper in command for Gods sake.”
“Who?”
“I never heard of him before either. But I digress, as a trained Cobra operative, I am duty bound to defend this base unto the death. Regardless of how poorly conceived it truly is”


Raptor is a bit of an annoying boss since he spends most of the fight suspended high in the air throwing his bird at you. Luckily Duke’s spread is wide enough at Level 2 that he can practically hit him from the ground, making him the ideal Joe for the fight. Occasionally, Raptor will fly off screen and come down with a punch, shattering one of the blocks we’re standing on.

Fun Fact about Raptor: At first, I though he was Spirit, and I was confused as to why he was fighting me.


After being shot many, many dozens of times into his bare chest, Raptor falls and explodes into blue flame, his bird also falls and bursts into orange flame.
“Tell… Range Viper… he… sucks” gasps the falconer as he ignites. “He… sucks bad”

“Can do, soldier.” Says Duke, wiping a manly tear from his manly eye, “Can do”.


The Cobra Base is primed for demolition, now, but the Joe’s aren’t anywhere near the exit.

Can they escape before the Base explodes?

Blizzard really doesn't look like Snow Job. Snow Job had a fur-lined collar and a red beard and his uniform generally looked less modern than Blizzard's. Blizzard actually looks like Blizzard.

I'm sorry. I have deep-seated nerd-out capabilities where G.I. Joe is concerned.