Watch Googleshng play HORRIBLE HORRIBLE THINGS!

So OK. I've kinda been tossing this idea around for a while, where I record myself playing games that just really don't have a right to exist. There's games that suck because things didn't pan out, there's games that suck because nobody involved really cared, and there's games that suck because nobody involved really knew what they were doing, but those aren't on the table. I'm focusing here on games which deliver exactly what they intended to, but what they intended to deliver is just pain horror and shame.

The original plan was for me to actually do all kinds of fancy editing, making punchy little shows full of cutaways so you can watch my soul die, but... that's a lot of work and I thought I'd have better editing software to deal with. So we're just going with a straight-up LP here, although I might toss in some clip reels between updates so you can see my pained expressions as I suffer through this.

Anyway, first up on the table we have...

Hyperdimension Neptunia

What the hell is that?

It... calls itself an RPG, but... OK. You know how cheesy sci-fi loves to do the whole "hyper-evolution" thing, where they pretend that all the changes that have happened between apes and humans will just continue on in the same direction until we have a bunch of giant melon-headed hairless freaks with no emotions? This is like someone looked at the trends in RPGs over the last decade or so and applied the same logic.

What's so terrifying?

Someone accidentally released a game fit only for the sort of person who collects body pillows and boob-mousepads to the general public.

Who is to blame?

A lot of people actually. It's like the all star dream team of people who make RPGs we quietly pretend don't exist.

GET ON WITH IT!


Let's Play Hyperdimension Neptunia!
CHAPTER 1- No Seriously, What the @#$% Is All This?
Part 1- Awkward introduction and intro.
Part 2- Gotcha! Still the intro!
Part 3- Flail those arms, and crash the system!
Part 4- Actual gameplay! What is this? I don't even
Part 5- Because we needed magical girl sequences, apparently.
Part 6- Towns? World maps? No! More weird artificial "Systems."
BONUS- Reaction Highlight Reel #1 (I look entirely too terrible)
CHAPTER 2- Did Somebody Say Padding?
Part 1- A new character I don't totally hate? Madness!
Part 2- All that research to learn I should just spam light attacks.
Part 3- Boss Battle! Can our heroes defeat thi- oh it's dead already?
Part 4- This must be what it's like to see a childhood friend turning tricks on the street...
Part 5- What? No seriously, we just did this!
Part 6- Keep going down that road until the 3rd light, Ugu~~~!
CHAPTER 3- LOCAP- The Land of Caves and Padding
Part 1- Insert gameplay here.
Part 2- See this cave? Hope you like this cave.
Part 3- Use these new characters? $6. Better stats? $2. Bikinis? $5...
Part 4- Combat with animation skips? 3 seconds. Without? 15 minutes.
Part 5- Who is this mysterious character whose name has been given 5 times?
Part 6- No really, who is she? It's not like she's a major celebrity we've been actively trying to meet or something!
CHAPTER 4- Rushing to the Credits!
Part 1- Dear gods does the 360 skeeve me out!
Part 2- The name on the save finally changes!
Part 3- OH JUST SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!
Part 4- Collecting the uh... "lost" weapons.
Part 5- Screw you last quarter of the game, the final dungeon's open!
Part 6- Multiple forms kinda lose their impact when you can go back to town between them.
Part 7- I honestly wasn't even looking at the screen for the final boss fight.

So OK! Anyone waiting on that whole first batch to upload before digging in, there you go. Hooray for 2 day turnarounds on compiling this stuff.

I'm probably not going to do the live commentary gimmick on the next batch because it lead to way more dumbfounded silence than anticipated.

Also, seriously. Anyone want to toss me some images to throw onto yon custom attack? I'm too indecisive to pick a particular flavor of Percy myself.

And anyone who actually knows how the hell combat works in this, and is willing to publicly admit to it? Also good.

How about one of Sky Render's "secret image" Percys from the Secret of Mana LP? Those were particularly horrifying.

I have to wonder: If Hyperdimension Neptunia is really as awful as all the reviews claim, why are they making a second sequel and why can't you find a used copy of it for under $35? (I'd love to try it for, say, $10. Or I can watch you play it as an alternative.)

I sunk about ten hours into this on a lost bet, so I did know a little bit. Combat works off a branching combo system, basically.

You assign skills to each of the four symbol buttons (Square, Triangle, Cross, Circle), and once you push a button for a skill it consumes the number of AP it requires and then moves to the next branch if you have enough AP. The next branch has the same deal and continues on in this fashion until the fourth branch, normally.

Each skill has a category to it (some skills can only be put in third or fourth combo slots, as I recall), and some skills can link to other characters or keep you going past the fourth combo on your own character. Neptune (and very eventually the other goddesses, never got to them in my own playthrough because I was about ready to shoot myself) all have a unique fourth stage skill that lets them transform into goddess mode and most of the boss fights are balanced around the assumption that you're in goddess mode as much as possible.

Thank goodness for the dumb jiggle effects. Trying to pay attention to the dialog is like sorting grains of sugar from powdered glass using my tongue.
You said it already in the videos, but a game that should be awful because of who it panders to shouldn't be awfully made too.

I made it through 3 videos, maybe I'll find the courage for more later.

I watched 30 seconds of the beginning plot dump and most of the first battle mechanics video and I don't think I can bear to watch any more.

Why is the combat in this game so...

s...

l...

o...

w?

Say what you will about Chrono Cross but I feel it did combo attacks and action points better. It seems to me that the people who made Neptunia had dozens of different ideas for systems and they tried to cram them all into one game. Unfortunately every system they put in was horrible. Maybe it would have been better if they just used classic systems and added a very few of their ideas and actually polished them.

Also, I feel like I'm going to be put on a government watch list for having viewed those videos.

Okay. It had an inexcusably boring battle system that discarded everything that was interesting about its predecessor.

Oh.

How bad can this game possibly be??

There's a fast forward button in battle. L2 or R2 I think. Hold it down and it skips anims.

Well, 3 buttons. Square only defends/runs far as I can tell. The thing is, right from the start, it lets you map actions to every possible input- 3 starting options, the 9 followups, the 27 to those, and the 81 finishers. There is this huge scrolling list of button mapping to fill in (and you have to look at each slot individually to see what you can possibly stick in it), but unless there's more tutorials in store for me, it doesn't give me any information whatsoever on why I would want to use any given option.

Like... OK, just as the basic first hit options, I can lead off with a sword slash, punch, or energy beam thing. Other than how I can almost read the AP cost of each (what's with the crazy tiny fonts? Last time I had this bad a problem reading text in a game was when I was trying to play Dead Rising and Lost Odyssey on an SDTV), I totally fail to see any of the possible pros and cons to doing anything. Am I trading speed for accuracy? Damage? Damage to that "guard break" bar a tutorial fight was totally designed to explain but the thing died as soon as I took it down anyway? I'm hoping there's some actual strategy involved here.

See, that's why it was my first choice for this self-torture thing. There really is just nothing redeemable in here. The graphics just kinda make me want to vomit in disgust. The dialog is just wall to wall cringe-worthy failed attempts at humor that make no sense at all. The mechanics are pants-on-head insane. Slimes have like 5000 HP. And even the basic structuring of the game is this totally impractical compartmentalized mess. It's not even just that I can't understand why anyone would want the whole package here, there is no single element that wouldn't be a total dealbreaker in an otherwise OK game. It's the perfect storm of awful.

Imagine how I feel for recording and uploading them!

Hyperdimension Neptunia passes the Bechdel test.

There's no tradeoffs. It's to let you customize how you want your button commands to go. Having a number of alternates lets you end your combos differently depending on what you want to do.

In addition, some of the special skill types mix up your commands a bit. For example, there's a set of attacks that have a "link" property, which refreshes your AP a smidgen, and then restarts the combo chain from the button you just pressed. So if you put the Link attack at the O button, then even if the combo to get to it is XXXO, the new combo starts at O, so you'd need to make sure you have the attacks you want in the O range.

When I played, for example, I had XXXX do basic attacks and low AP specials for Neptune, but the last X was her transformation attack, which causes her to deal damage and then instantly change to Purple Heart. I then had XXXO be her link chain, which then cycled to OXXO to continue linking, building up AP and damage/stun.

The fact that there's 81 possible combinations is just to give you options as to what combo commands feel more natural to you.

That just seems needlessly complicated for no real benefit.

Inexcusably boring? That really seems like unnecessary hyperbole. I'd say Chrono Cross' battle system is simple and stream-lined but I wouldn't call it boring. Would you rather have more options? Because I think that ultimately leads to Neptunia's battle system. Is that really what you want?

I watched the first video and I'm not really sure why I would want to watch any more, but I guess I'm going to anyway.

No, I want Chrono Trigger's battle system. You know, the game CC ostensibly sequeled.

You know what's awesome? Dual techs. You know what's considerably less awesome? Trading in your active-time, position sensitive battle system with some of the best battle design in the history of the genre for "if you hit an enemy enough, you can choose any of a dozen magic spells to cast!" You know what's similarly un-awesome? Throwing out RPG mechanics just for the sake of throwing out RPG mechanics.

I could go on, but I'll pretend to spare Google his thread.

This game is the most horrible thing.

I thought I was in for a delightfully ironic romp through another bad game. I couldn't even make it past the five-minute mark on any of those videos. And there's more games this horrible?

Liebot, why do these games exist?

Hm? It's only as complicated as you want it to be, really. The system is really simple; it gives you way too many possible button combos then you can use, simply to let you have the ones that feel natural for the effects you want to have.

I never did make it all that far, but there's no way that the game has enough powers to fill every single slot, and naturally a player is going to ignore most of the options; for example, why bother having Neptune use guns or punches, when she's set as a weapon fighter? Sure she gets some gun techs, but her main ones are sword->transform and sword->link.

Okay, I have now watched four of those videos, meaning I've spent 1 hour of my life I will not be getting back watching this monstrosity. According to the internet, this game takes about 50 hours to beat.

Yeah.

Crap.

Yeah. Last night I did some major studying and some off-the-record testing and... I definitely have some things to say about the mechanics for the next set of videos.

If it's any consolation, I'm not planning to make you watch all that. My understanding is that the vast majority of this game's playtime is spent in repeated visits to the same half-dozen or so bare bones dungeons just mindlessly grinding. No reason I have to go and do that on-camera.

This thread seems to be exactly what I should have done with Star Ocean 4!

Why would you do this to yourself?

Then just play Chrono Trigger. Perhaps Chrono Cross is guilty of the same crime as Final Fantasy Tactics Advance - not living up to the massive expectations built by it's predecessor.

Then I think this part of the game system is guilty of a worse crime - seeming too complicated and not really providing any benefit. (Of course, this game seems to be guilty of a great many crimes... against humanity.)

Holy cats, that intro is loooooong and boring. Forty minutes or something? And who would care enough about the backstory of this world to sit through all that dialogue about it, anyway?

I got about as far as that "bandage her up" still and fled the game. I thought there were jiggle physics in that still, as well, but I guess I was wrong?

There definitely are, when the camera moves around at the start. I can almost excuse it on the talking head portraits, because they're supposed to look like they're breathing I guess, and other bits move. It's creepy, but Japan. That's a straight freeze frame, though; no part of anyone should be moving, unless her breasts defy time and space.

Pick one:
- Masochism.
- Self-flagellation.
- A desperate cry for help.
OK yeah, just the last one.
Oh seriously, you have no idea. For/during the second batch of research, I did soooooo much research to arrive at the conclusion that there really are like 10000 different options to completely ignore and just mindlessly hammer out basic attacks that are unquestionably better 100% of the time.

The intro ends at the VERY end of that second video, they're 15 minutes per, and I kinda rambled before hitting start. It's a 26 minute intro... probably 25 really because I was staring in slack-jawed horror at the 360 there for a bit.

Oh, there WERE. Apparently every big panning "still" image in the game, of which there are apparently several, has jiggle physics. It's very subtle when first shown, but later you can go into a gallery view and witness true horror!

Anyway, I just finished recording the second wad of these, should have them uploaded tomorrow. In the meantime, here's something pretty horrifying! THEY'RE MAKING A THIRD ONE OF THESE.

Speaking of "broad but shallow" systems...

If HDN has an item crafting system, I guarantee that it's quite similar to Trinity Universe's (which I've played), since Idea Factory is all about the recyclin'. Dozens and dozens of items with the sole purpose "upgrade your equipment" and whose drop rates and locations would take far more effort than it's worth to try to sort out. Unless you're planning on NG+ or a higher level of difficulty or whatever extra modes might exist (doubtful), the things that drop as a matter of course should do you just fine.

(Again) if this is similar to TU, the further you get in the game, you'll have random encounters that will pose absolutely no threat to your party but have enough HP that the battles will take way too damn long. You'll definitely want to do some editing in the long run.

I thought for sure that's what I'd remembered, since that's the moment I pulled the plug in abject terror, but I must have blinked and missed it this time around... or my brain erased it out of self-preservation.

Oh hey, I missed that up front. Gotta link to these things if you want me to use them as summons, searching through threads would require effort or something.

Anyway, I sadly can explain why people would actually buy this and hold onto it.

- It's really, really easy. Other than being demoralized by how disgusting the whole thing is, there's nothing to keep anyone from getting through the whole thing. Apparently monsters don't start doing more damage, or varying their attacks up or anything. You just keep fighting things as threatening as these teddyslimes, but eventually hit a point where your auto-potion abilities activate any time you take any damage, and get really disgustingly overpowered attacks. People who play what pass for JRPGs these days really like not being challenged in any way.

- Even though you can absolutely shut your brain off, and really anything you do will be enough to get through the game, mashing a button 20 times and seeing huuuuuuuuuuuuuge numbers splash all over the screen makes you feel like a Total Gaming Master who is showing off his Uber L33t Skillz to totally dominate this game that'd be really hard for someone who wasn't as awesome at it!

- More people than we'd care to admit really are the sort of totally creepy perverts this game is marketed towards. Moe blobs exchanging gibberish back and forth for 10 minute stretches is almost as appealing to them as jiggle physics on static images and body pillows!

- This game was released in a very limited print run, and most people who purchased it either physically destroyed their copies, or locked them away to hide their shame, not daring to sell them and admit they ever bought them to begin with.

I'm really hoping it's mainly that last one. At least in the U.S. Japan apparently has a creepy pervert based economy at the moment, so there it's likely more about the first 3.

I'm fairly certain by the end of this here second video batch, I have encountered pretty much all the mechanics this game has to offer.

Seems to be the case from what I've seen, yeah.

Don't worry, in part 6 there, I made sure to go into the gallery view and make sure it was abundantly clear to everyone how horrible it is. I might have to go back and do that every few videos again just to make sure nobody forgets.



Anyway though, I just uploaded the next batch of videos today. I think I fixed the audio a bit on these, and there aren't all the huge stretches of dead air.


So for the next batch... would anyone object to me just playing the game off camera for like 10 hours or so, and just put together a clip show of the most cringe-worthy cut scenes? Because as far as I can tell, nothing at all interesting gameplay wise is going to happen for a looooooong time, and I don't want to have to edit around how I'm just going to be running through dull repetitive dungeons and rechecking math constantly to be sure I have my damage output maxed.

I mean, yeah, obviously nobody wants to watch ANY of this, but I don't want to deprive anyone of their required dosage of pain by hogging it all to myself.

I blame Killer Instinct for this. But I've been doing that for years.

If you're equating "people who play what pass for JRPGs these days" with "people who willingly play a JRPG whose main selling point is 'sexualized female representations of videogame consoles,' sure. I can only hope that the two are not in all cases identical.

Well no, but I can name plenty of non-pervy RPGs from the last hardware generation or two which I would call insultingly easy for a number of reasons. FF10 stands out in particular. I mean... you get a weapon with an instant kill effect on attacks right at the start of the game, you can have Lulu use her highest MP cost spells every fight, even if they're the wrong element, and still not come anywhere near running out before the next save point fills it right back up, pulling any summon out makes your entire party invincible until it dies, at which point you could just pull out another summon, you spend the entire game just walking forward except for when you enter one of those puzzle dungeons, where there's no monsters and you can just kludge at your leisure... and people ate that game right up, hailed it as the greatest RPG of all time, and took a big dump on 12 for making monsters something of a threat again.



Anyway though, I just spent like... 6 or 7 hours straight playing this piece of garbage off camera. The idea here is I'm saving it regularly, and as soon as I hit something that advances the plot, gives me something to stick in one of these last 3 party slots, or is in any way noteworthy, I'll jump back to the last save and start recording again.

Not only has that not happened, but I've encountered a total of... uh... I think maybe 6 new monsters, have seen that same cave dungeon recycled like 20 times with essentially the same layout every time, and I'm still consistently killing everything before it gets a turn, using starting equipment, and the same skill loadout I had in that last video (misread 60 power as 50, so yeah, these new attacks are better than the starting ones, marginally).

Fun facts:
- This game is largely non-linear. Once you sit through all that churchy bridgey talk, you have 4 continents you can travel between at any time. However, each time you do so, you have to waste 10 minutes walking through a big empty cave, fighting the same 2 types of monsters as last time, which give basically no EXP or cash (not that anything really does, besides these looper type things you can only fight in particular clearly labelled locations, which give you a level's worth of EXP on their own). The thing of it is though, it's not like each continent has its own quest chain. Nonono, that would be silly. This is just more padding. Each continent has 2 or 3 5 minute plot scenes, which unlock new 5 minute plot scenes on other continents, forcing you to constantly wander back and forth through the connection caves, listening to all the yammering, until... I assume I'm EVENTUALLY going to unlock something where I'm told to actually go somewhere and kill a boss, one of these days.

- The one major accomplishment I have made is getting the other 2 personified developers (Gust and NIS(A)) to... "join my party." This involved a loooot of wandering around between continents, and sitting through a loooot of cutscenes, and... nothing else. I mean, it kept faking me out like there was going to be a dungeon or a fight, but it then just weirdly resolved it off camera. These two are apparently completely optional and thus shouldn't be expected to pop up again (although again, they respectively take a third off the cost of everything you ever buy and make a rather important game mechanic visible). Which I'm not going to complain about because literally every frelling line of dialog when NISA is on screen is about her lack of boobs, and Gust talk cave speak, but without the proper voice for it. The main purpose these two serve beyond unlocking kind of important gameplay features is... baldfaced DLC whoring. You recruit them. They appear in your list of characters on your status screen, where you can see their closeups, all their equipment, and their stats, but if you actually want to use them, you have to spend something like $6.50 each to buy them their "battle tickets." And then I suppose you can stick'em in the back row and never touch them again because hi did you catch the part where I said I kill everything before it can attack with starting equipment?

- The Wii swears a lot. Still don't get that.

- Surprisingly often, a section of a dungeon won't actually load until you're right on top of it. You've just got these big black voids as you're approaching intersections which fill in all at once when you reach them. This game is on the PS3. Need to stress this. Lots of black void loading screens before dialog scenes too actually.

Wow, this is cheaper, shabbier and more awful than I could have imagined. I keep seeing you online playing it, I just want to invite you to play a good game instead!

It's like there was no critical dialogue whatsoever when this game was being made.