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  #271  
Old 07-14-2015, 02:12 PM
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Harper Lee Announces Third Novel, ‘My Excellent Caretaker Deserves My Entire Fortune’
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  #272  
Old 03-23-2016, 06:29 PM
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Oh my god: An Oral History Of Kanye West’s 'My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy'

Quote:
Kanye West (rapper, producer): One day, I will be dead and old, and even then, I will still consider the invention of the phrase “God doesn’t eat food; he just drinks a lot of water” my greatest achievement. It is the best thing you can scream in a church because it is not a lie.
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  #273  
Old 03-23-2016, 10:53 PM
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Not as ambitious, but I laughed so hard at this I bumped into things with my office chair: What Would It Be Like If A Real Woman Had Furby’s Proportions?
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  #274  
Old 03-23-2016, 11:23 PM
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That's good. I have an impulse to share it on facebook and I haven't done anything like that in months... I think I'll resist.

I hope you got a mild endorphin rush that someone appreciated your share.
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  #275  
Old 03-24-2016, 07:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Healy View Post
Oh no

Quote:
Originally Posted by RZA (producer, rapper)
Kanye tricked me into coming to Hawaii. He said that there was a big fish in Hawaii that I absolutely had to see, but when I got there, there was just the studio. Not a goddamn fish in sight, just a robot with a bullet in its head in the front yard. I don’t know why he tricked me. I would have come had he just said “Music.”
lmaooooo
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  #276  
Old 03-24-2016, 11:44 AM
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Quote:
Kanye West: I wanted to record on the island of Hawaii to show the world that another attack on Pearl Harbor wasn’t worth worrying about. But when we arrived, I quickly realized that another attack on Pearl Harbor could happen at any time. It’s a sitting duck. I had to do something.

Pusha T: The material we recorded from the first month is really bad because Kanye immediately began worrying about Pearl Harbor getting attacked again. He spent a lot of time at the Pearl Harbor memorial with a whistle making sure nothing happened.

Mike Dean: The turning point for the album came when Kanye got his whistle taken away by a Pearl Harbor memorial security guard.
Quote:
Pusha T: The first attempt at promoting the album was to hire a man to go to the center of every town in America to scream “It looks like something big is in the works!” The man got a fair amount of press, but it was just going too slow, and we decided to move on. As far as I know, that guy is still doing that, and honestly, whatever.
Love it, love it.
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  #277  
Old 03-24-2016, 12:19 PM
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That was too long for me to read. But now you're all quoting it. And I'm reading it.

It's very funny.

Thanks.

Thanks everyone for pushing me here.
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  #278  
Old 04-07-2016, 06:47 PM
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John Colapinto Revives the Male-Centric Literary Sex Novel

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There was a time when the great American male novelists took delight in writing about sex. Rebelling against a literary tradition that perhaps underestimated how much space animal urges take up in the male brain, many big hitters of the 20th century, like Norman Mailer, Vladimir Nabokov, Henry Miller, Philip Roth, John Updike and Saul Bellow, dived into the muck with the zeal of Rabelais or Cleland.

Sex was freedom, sex was adventure, sex was a good time, sex was pain, sex was life. Masturbation, threesomes, pedophilia, extramarital flings, one-night romps: It was all up for grabs, and how they grabbed it.

In these more tentative times, male literary novelists tend to shy away from such strong stuff.
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  #279  
Old 04-07-2016, 06:48 PM
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whoops sorry that was the ny times
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  #280  
Old 04-08-2016, 08:08 AM
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Please Do Not Visit The Ocean Until You Complete This Ocean Vow

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The Ocean is a place of power and peril where reality and possibility crash together in the surf. Only once you’ve taken this Ocean Vow can you grasp the burdens and blessings that come with visiting the Ocean—only then can you be trusted to do so.

...

2. Do you swear upon your love of fish and kelp that you will go into the Ocean only for good, and not for evil?

- I so swear.

- Hell no way. I’m going to be a fiasco on the shore with my leaf blower.

- I so swear, but I don’t much care about good or evil. I just want to tie a bundle of fish together with twine and show it to my parents.

- I don’t remember going to the Ocean, but here I am, bobbing along.
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  #281  
Old 04-08-2016, 06:36 PM
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Just gonna drop a little recommendation for Point and Clickbait, which is like a game industry specific version of Clickhole.
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  #282  
Old 04-08-2016, 09:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by teg View Post
Just gonna drop a little recommendation for Point and Clickbait, which is like a game industry specific version of Clickhole.
Not really? Clickhole is dadaist satire of listicle sites. Point and Clickbait regularly runs totally real stories, in tongue-and-cheek fashion... and mainly seems to exist just to point out how ridiculous a certain well known hategroup is. Reasonable to compare to The Onion though.
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  #283  
Old 05-25-2016, 12:02 PM
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An Oral History of the 1998 Major League Baseball Home Run Chase

Quote:
Bud Selig: After “Bud Search: The Ultimate Selig Quest” failed to reignite America’s passion for baseball, I felt lost. I tried a few other promotions, like “The Willie Maze,” where we put Willie Mays at the center of an enormous stone labyrinth and the first person to find him got to marry him. It didn’t work. Only three people entered The Willie Maze, and they were all killed by the Minotaur we had let loose in the labyrinth to guard Willie Mays. Willie Mays is still in the center of that labyrinth. His Wikipedia page says he’s still alive, but honestly, you’ve got to assume that at this point, the Minotaur has killed him.


Quote:
Mark McGwire: So, I go to the rainforest and meet this kid, and he’s sinking into the quicksand, and he’s being very brave. He’s screaming, “In 50 years’ time, my brain will be carted off to Valhalla!” which is something no child should ever have to say, but God is cruel and allows His bravest children to sink into quicksand. I went to the edge of the quicksand and said to the boy, “Here I am. I’m Mark McGwire.” The boy said to me, “I don’t care who you are. Swear to me that you will break Roger Maris’ home run record for me.” Was I supposed to say no to a kid who was sinking in quicksand? In 50 years, his brain would be in Valhalla! I swore to him that I would break the home run record. There, in the Amazon rainforest, I had taken my first steps toward immortality.
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  #285  
Old 10-25-2016, 12:54 PM
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I never posted my favorite Onion article in this thread? Here is my favorite Onion article, thread!

Why Are All The Good Guys Always Taken, Gay, Dead, Or Available?
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  #286  
Old 10-25-2016, 01:40 PM
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I kinda love it. I mean, I hope they never stop writing Joe Biden articles, because The Onion's Joe Biden is one of the greatest characters in all of 21st century literature, but they gotta do something with Tim Kaine.

Part of me wonders if they're not going too far away from Tim Kaine in their hope to find some kind of schtick for him. Like, the Biden persona was kind of understandable and felt right as a ridiculous satirical reflection of him, and Tim's child persona seems more like "we need a funny VP persona, uh, here's one." I dunno if it's something they could've stuck on anyone, or if it's somehow reflective of Kaine. Maybe I don't have a good enough grasp on Kaine, or I'm giving too much credit to the Biden gig. I dunno.

Still love the articles though.
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  #287  
Old 10-25-2016, 02:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaeran View Post
I never posted my favorite Onion article in this thread? Here is my favorite Onion article, thread!

Why Are All The Good Guys Always Taken, Gay, Dead, Or Available?
I feel so called out by some of this.
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  #288  
Old 10-25-2016, 09:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Paul le Fou View Post
Part of me wonders if they're not going too far away from Tim Kaine in their hope to find some kind of schtick for him. Like, the Biden persona was kind of understandable and felt right as a ridiculous satirical reflection of him, and Tim's child persona seems more like "we need a funny VP persona, uh, here's one." I dunno if it's something they could've stuck on anyone, or if it's somehow reflective of Kaine.
I think it's basically taking the idea that Tim Kaine seems super eager about everything and then blowing that out.
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  #289  
Old 01-19-2017, 07:51 PM
Seth Marati Seth Marati is offline
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As we move forward into a dark period in American history, The Onion is providing us with one last wave of stories in honor of the greatest character they ever invented.

Biden Sadly Realizes This Could Be Last Time He Throws Lit Firecracker Into Press Conference

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

Biden Searching White House One Last Time For Missing Pet Snake

Tearful Biden Carefully Takes Down Blacklight Poster Of Topless Barbarian Chick From Office Wall
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  #290  
Old 04-14-2017, 08:55 PM
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Grown Man Who Owns Bane Action Figure Has Love To Give

Sometimes I think about this one.
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