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  #1  
Old 09-24-2014, 11:52 AM
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Vaeran Vaeran is online now
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Default Dumb fortune cookie fortune repository

Quote:
In all matters of opinion, you always say it better.
My objections here are two-fold, really: one, that's not a fortune, that's a compliment. (But thanks, China.) And two, I don't know that I'm prepared for the kind of broad and unchecked powers being conferred upon me by this mystic scroll. ALL matters of opinion? I ALWAYS say it better? Well... alright. Good luck arguing with me in the future, I guess. It's my opinion that it won't go well for you!

Other favorites lying around my desk from past Chinese lunches:

Quote:
How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
The author of this fortune perhaps did not fully understand his assignment.

Quote:
Courtesy is the password to safety.
I don't even know what this one means. Be nice to the large man and he won't hurt you? That's probably intermittently true.

Quote:
Make sure to laugh everyday...it's good for your health.
Way ahead of you, Confucius: I already set aside one hour each night to sit in a dark room by myself, and just laugh and laugh and laugh...

Quote:
Perhaps you've been focusing too much on yourself,
Fuck you, fortune cookie. See above re: me always being right. You don't even know how to use a comma.
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  #2  
Old 09-24-2014, 12:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaeran View Post
It's my opinion that it won't go well for you!
Well said.
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  #3  
Old 09-25-2014, 04:36 AM
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I once got a fortune that said "It's already too late." That kind of shit sticks with you.
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  #4  
Old 09-25-2014, 07:15 AM
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Quote:
The rubber bands are heading in the right direction.
Apparently things will be going my way during the Great Rubber Band Migration.
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  #5  
Old 10-07-2014, 03:57 PM
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All of mine just say "you're handsome."
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  #6  
Old 11-04-2014, 01:42 PM
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I have dozens of fortunes I've kept in a little box over the years. A few favorites:

If you want to win anything-a race, your self, your life-you have to go a little berserk.

Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come for miles to watch you burn.

You are not illiterate.

Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.

You will be on the list of "The Excellent People" this year.
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  #7  
Old 11-04-2014, 01:55 PM
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And don't forget to snicker and say "...in bed." after all of these!
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  #8  
Old 11-04-2014, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by TirMcDohl View Post
And don't forget to snicker and say "...in my pants." after all of these!
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  #9  
Old 11-04-2014, 09:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rivers View Post
Catch on fire with enthusiasm and people will come for miles to watch you burn.
I've had this one myself. They rerun fortune cookies?

And here's the latest fortune I've gotten:
"Bad luck and (extreme) misfortune will infest your pathetic soul for all eternity."
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  #10  
Old 11-12-2014, 08:11 AM
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Quote:
Without knowing the force of words, it is impossible to know men.
Uh, ok...

Quote:
Be patient! The Great Wall didn't got build in one day.
I don't got suppose it did then.
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  #11  
Old 11-14-2014, 02:06 PM
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I've always wanted to print out a bunch of really specific, ominous ones and see how people react. Something along the lines of "I wouldn't drive tomorrow if I were you".
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  #12  
Old 11-14-2014, 06:49 PM
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Still waiting to figure out when this is supposed to happen

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  #13  
Old 11-17-2014, 07:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gerad View Post
I've always wanted to print out a bunch of really specific, ominous ones and see how people react. Something along the lines of "I wouldn't drive tomorrow if I were you".
I've seen some like that on sale in gag shops and the like.
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  #14  
Old 11-19-2014, 11:50 AM
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About a month before I started law school, I got a fortune that read "You would make a good lawyer". I kept it in my wallet through all of law school, until it eventually just disintegrated.
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  #15  
Old 11-19-2014, 12:09 PM
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At which point you immediately became a terrible lawyer, right?

Some kind of cookie-based Dorian Grey situation?
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  #16  
Old 11-19-2014, 12:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Octopus Prime View Post
At which point you immediately became a terrible lawyer, right?

Some kind of cookie-based Dorian Grey situation?
I mean, I'm not denying it.
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  #17  
Old 12-10-2014, 11:39 AM
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Quote:
Business is a lot like playing tennis; if you don't serve well, you lose.
I probably would have massaged that metaphor a little more. Waiting tables and practicing law can both be like tennis in that way, but...
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  #18  
Old 12-10-2014, 06:26 PM
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I got a fortune one time saying "perfection and generosity are your assets and they show". I've kept it in my wallet ever since. what a confidence boost!
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  #19  
Old 12-17-2014, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eden View Post
HI

I just got one the other day that said, "you will get everything you're working towards." Yeah, right!
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  #20  
Old 02-17-2015, 11:35 AM
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Quote:
You see pictures in poems and poems in pictures.
MY RODS AND CONES ARE ALL MESSED UP, JERRY
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  #21  
Old 02-18-2015, 12:46 PM
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Quote:
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
I think I know who wrote this.

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  #22  
Old 03-02-2015, 01:31 AM
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Not a DUMB fortune cookie, but I was in Korea recently and for the Spring festival (or something) the amusement park we went to (Gyongju World, which was cool and empty, meaning no line for a completely amazing rollercoaster) I got a little bag with a fortune cookie inside it. I ate it and got a fortune and decided to give it to my friend so that however he responded to it, I'd pull out that cheesy old chestnut "IN BED." Because I'm an idiot.

He looked at it and immediately looked at the fortune.

*looks at both sides*

"I don't know what's going on."

Perfect!
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  #23  
Old 04-06-2015, 03:34 PM
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This is my favorite fortune I have ever opened:

You are average.
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  #24  
Old 04-10-2015, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
Sitting towards the East may bring you good fortune.
May?

I guess it's a one-in-four chance.
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  #25  
Old 04-10-2015, 07:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaeran View Post
May?

I guess it's a one-in-four chance.
Or 1 in 8 if it's a large circular table.

Last time I went to a Chinese restaurant I got a fortune cookie but it was broken and didn't have a fortune (but was still sealed in cellophane).
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  #26  
Old 04-11-2015, 02:26 AM
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One time I got one that assured me in no uncertain terms that I would do better in stocks then in real estate.

If someone isn't legally on the hook for that bit of unsolicited advice, I don't know what's what.
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  #27  
Old 04-11-2015, 07:06 AM
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Two from my wallet:

Meeting adversity well is the source of your strength in bed

There are many ways you can be hurtful, but only one way to heal. That is through love in bed

Have to get the ones I keep in my cubicle work bin, though they seemed like they were a little too self-aware about appending "in bed" to them which makes it less fun.
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  #28  
Old 05-13-2015, 10:37 AM
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Quote:
The Tao that can be described is not the everlasting Tao.
This tells me less than nothing about anything, least of all my personal fortunes. You had one job, fortune cookie.
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  #29  
Old 05-13-2015, 03:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vaeran View Post
This tells me less than nothing about anything, least of all my personal fortunes. You had one job, fortune cookie.
Have you ever tried to read the I Ching? I think that fortune cookie summed it up pretty well.
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  #30  
Old 08-11-2015, 10:21 AM
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Quote:
Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.
Was this paid for by the Gratitude Lobby or something? Big Gratitude muscling in on my fortune cookie fortunes. I don't know if there's an approved list of specific virtues somewhere that I should be consulting, but here's a bunch of positive personal qualities that don't necessarily track back to gratitude: honesty, compassion, loyalty, mercy, generosity, bravery, humility, integrity, levitation, telekinesis, pyromancy. I demand a recount.
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ancient chinese secret , edible destinies , in bed

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