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Old 07-23-2017, 08:13 AM
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Default The Top 50 Mario and Mario-likes: Geno is Over


#50 Reznor
#49 (tie) Bowser Jr.
#49 (tie) Funky Kong
Bonus: Pile Driver Micro-Goomba
#48 (tie) Dry Bones
#48 (tie) Culex
#47 Mr. L
Bonus: Weird Mario
#46 (tie) Geno
#46 (tie) Wart
Bonus: Sniper Bill
#45 (tie) Rawk Hawk
#45 (tie) Lady Bow
#44 Mallow
Bonus: Obi-Wan Toadi



#50 Reznor
First Appearance: Super Mario World 1990
75 points, 3 nominations



Trent here is a good starting place for our journey into Mario. Yes, hello, we are diving deep into Nintendo’s famous video man and we’re not coming up until we’re thoroughly sticky. Welcome to Talking Time’s Top 50 Marios and Mario Adjacents. You may recall I asked you all to send me a list of your top Mario-ish characters. At the time you may have wondered why. You see, I took your lists, assigned a point value to the characters you nominated based on their position, and compiled a “master list.” This list doesn’t designate how “good” or “best” a character is, rather just how popular a character was among the 30-odd submissions I got. Thank you by the way. We couldn’t do this fun game I just made up without your participation. That said, there was ONE RULE that directed the S.S. Marios Put In Order, ONE RULE that would steer us clear of the rocky coasts of unreasonable fandom, ONE RULE that would raise our songs to heaven ‘bove and make even G-d himself weep. While the majority of you possessed the moral grace required to uphold the ONE RULE, some of you turned your back to the light and chose the path of deviance. But—we shall speak of this unpleasantness no further. Let’s talk about dinosaurs!

What makes world-famous industrial rocker and group of four triceratops a great starting point for Marios? They embody Nintendo’s design ethos of zagging when you’re expecting them to zig. Mario World takes place in Dinosaur Land, right? You expect to meet some dinosaurs. A regular Bonk’s Own Adventure. In practice though, there really aren’t as many as you’d think. A couple of Yoshi here, a Rex or two there (only in Yoshi’s Island 1 and Chocolate Island 2 however). But then, at the end of the Donut Fort! There! Four triceratops! Maybe you gotta dodge when they charge, or avoid a stop or something. You know, dino things that dinos do. But nope, they spin and spit. Pure Nintendo. Nothing makes sense and we love it forever.

They also show up in New Mario 2, but without their name on their wheel and thus are lame.

Last edited by Loki; 07-26-2017 at 06:34 AM.
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Old 07-23-2017, 08:14 AM
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#49 (tie) Bowser Jr.
First Appearance: Super Mario Sunshine 2002
76 points, 3 nominations



How’d this dork end up on here? Oh, Falselogic is how. Nintendo felt they needed a mini-me to be King Koopa’s second, and instead of using any of the seven they’d already designed they came up with a generic jerk in a bib. Bowser Jr. is Bowers but small. That’s it.

Now now, I can hear the case already, without Jr. how can Bowser be a dad? But he had a kid already! Seven of them! Kids to the wazoo! Since BJ’s conception, Nintendo has claimed that the Koopalings aren’t related to big K. But that’s just spurious retconing to justify their bad decision. Don’t believe the Ondore’s lies. I’m Captain Basch!

Last edited by Loki; 07-23-2017 at 09:10 AM.
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Old 07-23-2017, 08:14 AM
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#49 (tie) Funky Kong
First Appearance: Donkey Kong Country 1994
75 points, 3 nominations



No Mario -> Donkey Kong -> DKC shenanigans here. Funky is a legit Mario character after he showed up in Mario Kart Wii where caring and supportive he gives you a ride home from the airport. I never even knew he was in MKWii until a couple weeks back. I played that game a bunch but you gotta beat like four expert ghosts or some impossible shit and let me tell you a monkey in a do-rag ain’t worth that pain.

F. Unky Kong is “the cool one” in DK’s crew. You can tell this because he wears tight tanks and surfer shorts. He helps Donkey through a variety cool jobs such as flight attendant and gun salesman.

Please don’t confuse him with Thrilla Gorilla that would be very rude.











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Old 07-23-2017, 08:15 AM
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Bonus: # 66 Pile Driver Micro-Goomba
First Appearance: Super Mario 3 1990
67 points, 2 nominations



You people came with great lists full of fun and obscure characters, but due to the nature of the beast very few of these made the top 50. But they’re are wondrous and delightful and I loved every off the wall or depths-of-MarioWiki vote. It would be a Game Crime to dismiss them, so each day I’ll spotlight a great pick that didn’t make the list.

Today, we’ll look at the Pile Drive Micro-Goomba, a small fry with a over-the-top name and a heart of gold. You know these dudes, they’re the one’s what look like a regular block and then they jump. These days, such tricks are old hat, but back in the Spring of ‘90 they were another example of how Mario 3 surprised at every turn. A block that jumps! And then you bop it and it’s a tiny little goombite just doin’ the best he can? Get out. God bless you, Pile Driver Micro-Goomba. You are the salt of the earth.
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Old 07-23-2017, 08:18 AM
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F. Unky Kong is “the cool one” in DK’s crew. You can tell this because he wears tight tanks and surfer shorts. He helps Donkey through a variety cool jobs such as flight attendant and gun salesman.
And a righteous bro.

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Old 07-23-2017, 08:25 AM
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Everyone one of these entries are treasures. Even the Bowser Junior (you will never hear me say anything else nice about the Bowser Junior).
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Old 07-23-2017, 08:25 AM
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Woo! I had Pile Driver Micro-Goomba at #3. That's right, you heard me. Pretty much for the reasons Loki already laid out... you're just toolin' along, desert land, pyramid stuff so lotsa brick blocks layin' around in various structures, cool, cool. And then! One of the blocks! BLOCK jumps on YOU! That is not the natural order of Mario things! But no, this is Mario 3, and we are learning that the natural order is that anything can happen.

Also the poor hard-working micro-goombas are adorable.




I also had Reznor high up on my list, because they are likewise unexpected and adorable. Grr grr blarf fire on our cobbled-together ferris wheel that we somehow do not light on fire with our own fireballs.

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Old 07-23-2017, 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Kirin View Post
My #1 favourite thing about Reznor is how his name is written on the wheel. Who put that there?

(My #2 favourite thing about Reznor is how I've consistently misspelled his name as Renzor since first playing Mario World, despite the fact that his name is explicitly spelled out in-game.)

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Everyone one of these entries are treasures. Even the Bowser Junior (you will never hear me say anything else nice about the Bowser Junior).
That Bowser Jr. drawing is the first and only good thing that has ever had the name Bowser Jr. attached to it.

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each day I’ll spotlight a great pick that didn’t make the list.
God bless you, Mr. Lokerson.
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Old 07-23-2017, 09:06 AM
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#59 (tie) Bowser Jr.
I choose to believe that number is not a typo.

EDIT: Unless it's a typo for #95 or #959
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Old 07-23-2017, 09:09 AM
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This is gonna be good I can tell already
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Old 07-23-2017, 09:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Positronic Brain View Post
I choose to believe that number is not a typo.

EDIT: Unless it's a typo for #95 or #959
whoops
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Old 07-23-2017, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Loki View Post
whoops
No, no don't fix it... Oh, man, I arrived too late. Now it's 100% official and he'll be remembered forever as one of the Best 50 Mario Characters by the entire Internet.

Falselogic_caused_this.jpg
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Old 07-23-2017, 09:33 AM
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Man, Bowser Jr. isn't even the best example of Bowser being tiny.

Nuts to you, arithmetic, making that dorkus rank even high enough to put him on the bottom.
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Old 07-23-2017, 10:19 AM
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\
So we all agree that Nine in Nails needs to use this as a stage, right?
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Old 07-23-2017, 10:44 AM
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Are we sure Reznor is the bosses' name and not the name of a company that specializes in spinning wheels for fire-breathing triceratops to stand on over lava? (Admittedly a pretty specific customer base but hey, they sold at least five of them.)
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Old 07-23-2017, 10:50 AM
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Renzor™ Brand Tricycle.
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Old 07-23-2017, 11:05 AM
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Bowser Jr. is good in Smash Bros.

Hey Loki, thanks for doing this! I bet the lists were all over the place. I'm looking forward to the bonus choices as much as the winners.
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Old 07-23-2017, 02:02 PM
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Funky is in MK Wii? Weird.
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Old 07-23-2017, 02:45 PM
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I had forgotten how smug the Reznors look. They're like "We have our own wildly unsafe Ferris wheel and you don't."

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Originally Posted by Loki View Post
Yes, hello, we are diving deep into Nintendo’s famous video Jumpman
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Originally Posted by Loki View Post
#49 (tie) Funky Kong
Please don’t confuse him with Thrilla Gorilla that would be very rude.

Hmm...

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Originally Posted by Kirin View Post
Woo! I had Pile Driver Micro-Goomba at #3. That's right, you heard me. Pretty much for the reasons Loki already laid out... you're just toolin' along, desert land, pyramid stuff so lotsa brick blocks layin' around in various structures, cool, cool. And then! One of the blocks! BLOCK jumps on YOU! That is not the natural order of Mario things! But no, this is Mario 3, and we are learning that the natural order is that anything can happen.
I had it at #2. There is something just so wonderfully video game-y and cartoonishly ridiculous about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirin View Post
Also the poor hard-working micro-goombas are adorable.
Yes, they are lifting something which I assume is about 27 times larger than they are - just to try and kill (or at least injure) one pudgy plumber. Let us never forget their (proportionately) Herculean efforts. *salutes*

Last edited by Torzelbaum; 07-23-2017 at 03:00 PM.
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Old 07-23-2017, 03:28 PM
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Little Goomba is an inspiration and Bowser Jr. is good, actually, though Nintendo's embarrassing treatment of Bowser's years as a hard-working foster dad is a giant shame.
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Old 07-23-2017, 05:43 PM
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Let's not forget the time when Funky Kong was tender and emotionally intelligent enough to console you after a messy divorce.
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Old 07-23-2017, 07:23 PM
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Old 07-24-2017, 06:28 AM
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#48 (tie) Dry Bones
First Appearance: Super Mario Bros. 3 1990
78 points, 4 nominations



Mario 3 dared to ask the question, what if the bleached bones of all the turtles Mario stomped rose up to seek retribution hell is full and Mario is the cause. Ha ha no that’s stupid. Dry Bones is just a bone guy bonin’ around. A regular @BEAT_TWITTER.

Dry Bones started as a wannabe Red Skeleton, but as want to his nature, he refused to go down. After successful stunts in Mario Kart DS and Mario Party 7 he seemed to be showing up in many games! Why this fairly generic mook should become a core component of the secondary cast is a mystery but then I remembered it’s because he’s a skeleton.
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Old 07-24-2017, 06:29 AM
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#48 (tie) Culex
First Appearance: Super Mario RPG 1996
78 points, 5 nominations



Sorry for the bad picture but drawing 16-bit Squaresq is hard okay. Culex is a bonus superboss in Mario RPG. He has 4 crystals and is hard but you’ve got the lazy shell so no big. In the Japanese version of the game the battle revolves around a 2D/3D sprite joke. This got replaced with some nonsense in the Western release about a Dark Knight and a Mage and a kingdom called Vanda. During the battle, FF4’s boss music plays, further confusing the issue.

When I first played Mario RPG I thought this guy was a FF4 guy I had forgotten about or something. “The deepest lore,” I thought to myself, coining the phrase decades before it would gain popularity. But no, there is no lore. Culex is just a guy in a crystal diaper.
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Old 07-24-2017, 06:31 AM
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#47 Mr. L
First Appearance: Super Paper Mario 2007
79 points, 3 nominations



Who is this guy? No one knows, but he looks like bad news. He hounds and harasses our hero, Paper Mario, in Super Paper Mario, that game no one likes. Nothing is known about his except that he’s hyper-competent, cool as school, and deeply deeply mysterious.

One day, perhaps, he will let down his guard and we’ll meet the man behind the mask. One thing is for certain, whoever it is surely is very kissable and there will be many make outs.
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Old 07-24-2017, 06:31 AM
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Bonus: #60 Weird Mario
First Appearance: Super Mario Maker 2015
60 points, 2 nominations



Another near miss that I was disappointed to see just barely not make it is that weirdo Weird Mario from Mario Marker what where Mario goes weird. I love that Nintendo revised the impled rules of Mario 1 kinda-retroactively. It makes sense that given mushrooms make Mario big a lanky shiitake would make him big but different big.

Weird Mario is just a guy trying to make his way in the world. He doesn’t fit in very well, and he’s kinda antisocial, but he’s the best darn bricklayer this side of Brooklyn. We shouldn’t shun Weird Mario. Please put him in Mario Kart and all the other games.
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Old 07-24-2017, 06:31 AM
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Bowser Jr. is good because he's such a piece of shit
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Old 07-24-2017, 06:56 AM
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Petitioning a mod to get "Top 50 Mario Characters" added to this thread title somewhere so I can actually recognize this thread.
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Old 07-24-2017, 07:06 AM
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That Dry Bones is totes adorbs and I want to adopt him. It's okay, little dude. Stop shaking. Everything is going to be okay.

Culex? Culex?? Hoo boy. Hoooooo boy. I'm going to have to buckle in for a lot of Mario RPG in this list, aren't I?

Holy shit, that Mr. L picture. I'm dead.
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Old 07-24-2017, 07:07 AM
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Petitioning a mod to get "Top 50 Mario Characters" added to this thread title somewhere so I can actually recognize this thread.
Let's compromise! "Top 50 Geno Characters"
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